For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

* Do something she likes, and you get points.

* Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

* You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed +1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1

* You go out to buy her tampons +5

* in the snow +8

* but return with beer -5

* and no tampons -25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5

* You pummel it with a six iron +10

* It's her cat -40



AT THE PARTY

* You stay by her side the entire party 0

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2

* Named Tiffany -4

* Tiffany is a dancer -10

* With breast implants -18



HER BIRTHDAY

* You remember her birthday 0

* You buy a card and flowers 0

* You take her out to dinner 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1

* Okay, it is a sports bar -2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night -3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team -10



A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

* Go with a pal 0

* The pal is happily married +1

* The pal is single -7

* He drives a Ferrari -10

* With a personalised license plate (GR8NBED)-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

* You take her to a movie +2

* You take her to a movie she likes +4

* You take her to a movie you hate +6

* You take her to a movie you like -2

* It's called Death Cop III-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable pot belly -15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -800

COMMUNICATION

* When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes +5

* You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50

* You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?" -100

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

* You talk -100

* You don't talk-150

* You spend time with her -200

* You don't spend time with her -500

* You are seen to be enjoying yourself - GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

Oh, so your joke is good enough for S&A, but not good enough for the Joke Thread in SG?

I should bite you sooooooo hard on the nose!!!

EDiT: Oh yeah... Hahahewhaehaheaeheaheaheahahahaha!!!! (http://www.totse.com/bbs/Archives/Archive-000002/HTML/20040217-4-006058.html)

[This message has been edited by Gustave (edited 05-15-2004).]

There must be 5 of you, clones, all surfing simultaniously on the fastest computers built by man.

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

There must be 5 of you, clones, all surfing simultaniously on the fastest computers built by man.

Nope, I'm just a superior human being.

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

There must be 5 of you, clones, all surfing simultaniously on the fastest computers built by man.

Yeah, I bet that is what you'd say after last night...

EDiT: Damn, I beat me to it.

[This message has been edited by Gustave (edited 05-15-2004).]

Lol. Funny list there. Too bad it wasn't something that was actually useful :P

quote:Originally posted by [G-Prime]:

Lol. Funny list there. Too bad it wasn't something that was actually useful :P

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

* You are seen to be enjoying yourself - GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

I think that is useful...

lol Sarc, very clever.

However that is just how some games are played, and usually for not very long.

Here is the secret level with hidden points:

*You mindless go along with the points game +1 seen -5 hidden

*You are pleased with yourself for earning points +0 seen -10 hidden

*You get insecure when you lose points -5 seen -50 hidden

She does something wrong:

*You say it is okay right away +0 seen -1 hidden

*You apologize yourself +2 seen -20 hidden

*You scold her -5 seen +6 hidden

*You scold her and make her laugh +1 seen +10 hidden

*You scold her, make her laugh and then wonder if you were kidding +1 seen +50 hidden

Doing nice things for her:

*You do what she tells you she wants +1 seen -10 hidden

*You don’t do what she tells you -10 seen +1 hidden

*You don’t do what she tells you, but you come up with nice things on your own +2 seen +50 hidden

*Sometimes you take subtle hints too, but not always +10 seen +75 hidden

Being an asshole:

*You act like an asshole all the time -10 seen -50 hidden

*You act like an asshole sometimes -5 seen +5 hidden

*You act like you can take her or leave her sometimes in between times when you take her +0 seen +100 hidden

Taking control:

*You tell her to do something she does not want to do -20 seen -5 hidden

*You tell her to do something she wants to do -5 seen +1 hidden

*You make her wonder if she wants to do what you told her -5 seen +5 hidden

*You make her wonder why she wants to do what you told her +5 seen +100 hidden

HAHA! Brilliant Easy, those are actually usefull. I agree on the "Being an asshole" section especially. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

^^^that reminds of a game I know.

Smack 'em up, treat 'em like a baby, repeat as necessary. Apparently a good way to get a girl warped around your finger. Once that is accomplished you can get her hooked on drugs and pimp her out. Disqusting, but true.

by the looks of things, guys seem to be able to do more things to loose points then gain them... how odd

saying "fuck the point system" and banging her sister: priceless

quote:Originally posted by Gustave:

I think that is useful...

Haha. ok. lets rephrase that. There is no information that is correct and useful.

Any woman that has pms that bad and gets pissed if I happen to have fun while she's bleeding, can fuck off. I won't date some cunt who gets caught up in her monthly bullshit

quote:Originally posted by bloodenangel:

by the looks of things, guys seem to be able to do more things to loose points then gain them... how odd

What a revelation!

[/sarcasm]

Edit: Oops, my sarcasm tags are showing!

[This message has been edited by SublimeZen124 (edited 05-15-2004).]

quote:Originally posted by [G-Prime]:

Any woman that has pms that bad and gets pissed if I happen to have fun while she's bleeding, can fuck off. I won't date some cunt who gets caught up in her monthly bullshit

Then prepare for a lot of lonely nights. I heard PMS for women is the equivalent of a hammer to the nuts for a guy.

^^Heh, just what I was thinking. All of us cunts eventually get caught up in our monthly bullshit, and it usually precedes the bleeding. You might avoid it into your teens and 20s, but that nice, level-headed girl you marry at age 28 will "inexplicably" become a snarling bitch machine a few years down the road. For a few days, at least.

Just have Dove Bars on hand.

^^^or some whiskey.

quote:Originally posted by deadlycindy:

^^Heh, just what I was thinking. All of us cunts eventually get caught up in our monthly bullshit, and it usually precedes the bleeding. You might avoid it into your teens and 20s, but that nice, level-headed girl you marry at age 28 will "inexplicably" become a snarling bitch machine a few years down the road. For a few days, at least.

Just have Dove Bars on hand.

...And beef jerky too?

Some steps that has helped c2 over the last g/f's who had that special time.

Step 1. A fucking helmet.

Step 2. Chocolate, and lots of it.

Step 3. A comfy couch (for you older people who are living with them)

Step 4. A brother or familly member that will lie for you and say you can't come to the phone.

Step 5. Low profile ear plugs.

Step 6. A friend you can run away too if the shit hits the fan, and stuff starts flying your direction.

Step 7. A credit card, for some flowers, more chocolate, pictures of kittie cats and puppy doggies, and prety things that will make everyone in Safeway think your celebrarting your 8th year anniversery with Steve.

Step 8. 9,684,956,056,555 different ways to say "Its my fualt." "I'm sory is there anything I can do for you sweetie?" "Your right." "I am your eternal slave, and we both know it but never say it out loud because my ego would be crushed and I couldn't possibly call myself a man." "I'm sorry." "I'm an asshole(or insert other name your special lady likes to call you)." "Don't be sorry your period doesnt bother me at all." <-- this will account for around 25% or so tied with "I'm sorry" and "It's my fault" second only to the "I'm an asshole" at 48% with the others ending about equally. For the love of sweet gentle jesus don't apply this to your relationship... Well maybe #'s 2,3,4,6,7,8

Edit: If complaining gets to be too much, go with Gustaves idea, and take as big a lupm of beef jerky you can possibly fit in your mouth, until you lose the ability to speak loudly and clearly. Repeat until she has either gone, or stopped.

c2

[This message has been edited by c2 (edited 05-15-2004).]

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

* Do something she likes, and you get points.

* Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

* You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed +1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1

* You go out to buy her tampons +5

* in the snow +8

* but return with beer -5

* and no tampons -25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5

* You pummel it with a six iron +10

* It's her cat -40



AT THE PARTY

* You stay by her side the entire party 0

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2

* Named Tiffany -4

* Tiffany is a dancer -10

* With breast implants -18



HER BIRTHDAY

* You remember her birthday 0

* You buy a card and flowers 0

* You take her out to dinner 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1

* Okay, it is a sports bar -2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night -3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team -10



A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

* Go with a pal 0

* The pal is happily married +1

* The pal is single -7

* He drives a Ferrari -10

* With a personalised license plate (GR8NBED)-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

* You take her to a movie +2

* You take her to a movie she likes +4

* You take her to a movie you hate +6

* You take her to a movie you like -2

* It's called Death Cop III-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable pot belly -15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -800

COMMUNICATION

* When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes +5

* You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50

* You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?" -100

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

* You talk -100

* You don't talk-150

* You spend time with her -200

* You don't spend time with her -500

* You are seen to be enjoying yourself - GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

That seems about right, but you missed

She comes home in a bad mood/or is just in one

Ask her whats wrong -5

don't say anything -5

Try to make her feel better but just ends up pissing her off -20 (happens nearly every time)

And you missed

There is a fight

Its her fault and your angry -10

Its your fault -10

You say sorry (if its your fault) -5

You expect an apology(if her fault)-5

One more

You spend some time with a female friend that

doesn't want to hook up-10

wants to hook up-100 (and understandingly)

She spends some time with a male friend that

Is not trying to hook up with her and your fine with it -0

IS trying to hook up with her and you get angry -20

He tries to kiss her and you get pissed -100

This all happened to me before. Women confuse me (no offense)

[This message has been edited by moss2455 (edited 05-15-2004).]

quote:Originally posted by c2:

Edit: If complaining gets to be too much, go with Gustaves idea, and take as big a lupm of beef jerky you can possibly fit in your mouth, until you lose the ability to speak loudly and clearly. Repeat until she has either gone, or stopped.



No, no! You give HER the beef jerky!

She'll love ya for it... Or kill you if she doesn't like beef jerky...

Oh dear god.

I'm tired of this sort of shit; those "3048276457 things a perfect guy would do" emails, the implication that we're supposed to be your bitches and do nothing but please you and expect nothing in return, the sickeningly boxed, cookie-cutter male stereotype that all women seem to go crazy for...Women complain constantly about how the fashion industry and such create unrealistic standards for young girls to meet, and leads to a tragic insecurity in one's appearance, which often has catastrophic results, and then you (women, not YOU, sarc) turn around and type up shit like this, outlining how we're supposed to act, putting us on a completely dignity-stripping "point system", treating us like your plaything. Ever think you might be creating unrealistic standards for the young, inexperienced boy who happens to run across something like this? Do you realize the pain it will cause him later, when he's still trying to adhere perfectly to sickeningly unrealistic standards that he believes each and every woman expects of him.

Diatribes such as this are written by heartless, thoughtless, soulless, selfish bitches who have it in their minds that they even deserve such a man; no. Women who truly hold these sorts of standards for their male partners and refuse to compromise, or refuse to give a little in return deserve to be beaten, not loved. And no, I have no double-standard: The very same goes for men who grow up smacking off to Playboy and the like, and develop rigid (small pun intended), unreal expectations for how a woman should look and act, thus putting pressure on these poor young girls to throw up that rice cake they had for lunch and lose the 1/9th lb. they gained last week, all in a fruitless attempt to achieve airbrushed perfection.

Society makes me fucking SICK.

Open your fucking eyes, people: these sorts of mails, from both male and female perspective, are written by shallow, soulless, degenerate scum who feel that the world revolves around them, and so should their partner, and they should have to give nothing and get the world in return. Don't ever take these seriously; EVER. Have confidence in yourself and who you are, and be happy; don't EVER try to become some factory-produced man or woman, just because this email makes you think that's what all members of the opposite sex want. Have some dignity, some self-respect, some brains.

I've honestly never been so disgusted in my entire life. Relationships of all sorts are give some, take some, be fair, be accepting, be reasonable, be caring, be trusting, and expect nothing more and nothing less in return. And if some expectation of hers/his just isn't you, do not ever try to make it you. Be yourself: Possibly the most basic and yet relevant and meaningful cliche ever conceived.

Don't ever, ever, ever, EVER feel that you have to reformulate yourself just because 9/10 members of the opposite sex say they love it when you do/say whatever the hell.

Love yourself, respect yourself, and do not ever doubt for one moment that you're a great person who, even with shortcomings, deserves to be loved and treated well for who you are already. Conforming to such things as this is to sell your heart, soul, mind and body to a completely false and unrealistic "ideal" of a shallow, worthless person's fellow shallow, worthless person.

For the love of god, take my fucking words to heart; if you never listen to me on these boards about anything else ever again, let this be the one thing you take my advice on. And I'm addressing anyone who reads this, not any one person in particular.

If a shallow and heartless and sickening diatribe such as this "point system" thing has made you feel insecure about yourself in any way, or made you feel a need to change or conform to all or part of it in any way, you have my deepest and most heartfelt sympathies, but please, please, please at least try to understand and heed my words. I don't have all the answers, I don't profess to know it all, but god damnit, I'm speaking from the heart. My heartfelt thoughts count for much more than any mental or intellectual thing that I could ever comprehend, talk about, warn about, give advice about

or just plain opine about in the world.

-Infrared

[This message has been edited by Infrared (edited 05-15-2004).]

^^^^^

Infrared, you almost perfectly summed up my feelings on this subject. I hate it when female friends send me emails about "the perfect guy" and think its cute. I live for myself above all else. I might try to correct upon bad habits for someone special, but I will not change myself for that person. Nor will I accept responsibility or appologise for things I had nothing to do with.

c2, you actually appologise to your girlfriend when shes menstruating? Why? It's a biological process, something you couldn't possibly have any control over.

Hahaha, geezus... you guys know this is a joke, right? Funny, haha? Good lord, this forum is way too serious sometimes.

I, of all people, don't seriously believe in a points sytem, (but if there were, I'd be winning, oh yes... I don't even bitch about being pregnant! ) but it doesn't stop it from being funny. And the funniest part? This text is a total slam to women, it just goes to show how truly unreasonable we can be. I can guarantee that a guy wrote this in a bitter mood after dealing with an unreasonable cunt. It's called 'tongue in cheek' now go out and buy yourself a sense of humour.

And don't bother arguing with me, I was watching Chris Rock - Never Scared last night, and evidently it's completely pointles to try arguing with a woman, why? Because you will lose, you'll lose because you're a man and men have a need to make sense, whereas women won't let a silly thing like making sense get in the way of winning an argument.

Funny man, Mr. Rock.

[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 05-16-2004).]

I knew that your post itself was in jest, Sarc, I'm no idiot. That's why I didn't attack you for it at all. It just struck a bit of a nerve with me, is all. You know similar things have happened to you, too. >cough< Ultraviolet >cough<

And I'd like to gently remind you that you've presented us with your fair share of barely-controlled emotion and mopiness yourself. Nothing wrong with that, but one must not throw stones in one's own glass house. Lord knows we're all guilty of it sometimes, though; I know I have been. No hard feelings, by the way, even if this earns me another disparaging remark from you.

Haha Infra, I love reading your posts. If you were gay, I'd stalk you all over the globe. Not being sarcastic, maybe exaggerating, but not sarcastic.

quote:Originally posted by SkiPpYP:

Then prepare for a lot of lonely nights. I heard PMS for women is the equivalent of a hammer to the nuts for a guy.

well you heard wrong. Every woman varies with how bad she gets PMS. So to rephrase what I said earlier, I won't be with a woman who becomes a gigantic bitchy cunt when that times of the month rolls around. Hope that helps

quote:Originally posted by Infrared:

I knew that your post itself was in jest, Sarc, I'm no idiot

I am, however

quote:Originally posted by Infrared:

Oh dear god...

(Long Post)

[This message has been edited by Infrared (edited 05-15-2004).]

*starts clapping* Beautiful Infra. Simply beautiful. We need to get that one put up on the front page with the other papers. That was really, really, really good. Bravo.

quote:Originally posted by [G-Prime]:

well you heard wrong. Every woman varies with how bad she gets PMS. So to rephrase what I said earlier, I won't be with a woman who becomes a gigantic bitchy cunt when that times of the month rolls around. Hope that helps

Don't know if you missed or ignored mine and c2's posts, but you're overly optimistic...or in denial! True, every woman does vary to some extent, but in the teens and 20s most women aren't unbearable yet. So by the time you hit your 30s, you'll either be contending with a wife that has gone jekyll-hyde on you, or you'll have a new gf every month, or you'll decide women aren't worth the hassle.

The sammitch calms the savage beast though...

Sometimes I wonder if any of you actually have had relationships with real women. Periods are not that bad. By handling them properly, you can eliminate most or all of side effects. There are a few girls that use them as an excuse to do anything, but there is a proper way to call them on it. Usually that works; if not then you can move on. The psychos to normal girls ratio is too good to waist your time. I have met too many women that I can get along with during their periods for me to ever feel that I am doomed to consistently take shit off any woman. BTW, often it is worse if you let it be worse. If she can get away with being a bitch, then she will. You can blame yourself if you get caught up in that because the problem is not inherent in her hormones. She will be much more pleasant when she is with someone who does not take abuse like you do.

As for those of you guys upset about “being forced to play the points game,” the game is really a test. Play and you fail. Don’t play, and cry like a baby and you fail. Be a man and you win. It is not that hard to avoid the game. No one forces you to play for points. It takes two to tango so don’t bitch about it if you do.



quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:



And don't bother arguing with me, I was watching Chris Rock - Never Scared last night, and evidently it's completely pointles to try arguing with a woman, why? Because you will lose, you'll lose because you're a man and men have a need to make sense, whereas women won't let a silly thing like making sense get in the way of winning an argument.

Funny man, Mr. Rock.



That is funny. It is actually possible to beat a woman by making sense though. I really cannot explain how I have done it, but I have more than once. I think I have a gift.

Easizzy, is it possible you could have been dating a shemale?

Yeah, if I don't get beat up, used, abused, and then left crying like a baby; it must be because I am dating men. They all have been men. You are so perceptive.

quote:Originally posted by Gustave:

The sammitch calms the savage beast though...

I think this is the first time I've ever disagreed with you on something Gustave. If my husband walked in with a sammitch while I was pmsing, I would fucking kill him. If it was for him, immediate death. If it's for me, slow, torturous death. Why? I HATE FUCKING SAMMITCHES. Plus, he better damn well know by now that the only thing I want is Hershey's. NOW.

However, any other time of the month, and sammitches are almost a sure bet.

Mmmm... sammitch and sex. Good stuff.



Edit: Oops... I think my bitch is showing.

[This message has been edited by Lilly (edited 05-17-2004).]

I remember how my mom got when she was PMSing, it never made much sense to me at the time, hopefully it never will...

...but even later in life I strongly doubt that I will have an expectation of my partner to just deal with any amount of random bitchiness. The main reason for this is because I'm not very tollerant of bitchiness and I don't make a habit of expecting more from others than I am willing to deliver. I don't want to put up with a guy's shit if I've done nothing to deserve it, likewise I won't subject him to my misery if he hasn't really gone out of his way to piss me off.

Ok, fine... A chocolate ice creme sammitch calms the savage beast.