Oooooh lucky me...the latest theme of my life seems to be "painful loss"..whether it's losing a friend, or being dumped awhile back, or losing money, or losing anything...But money isn't what is on my mind right now.

There was a girl..I was kind of starting to fall for her; I met her at the beginning of the year, and she helped me after my last suicide attempt (booze and Xanax), she was so good and loving and supportive; not to mention a strong, witty, passionate, not to mention beautiful woman. Something about her was just...wonderful. I started to fall. That doesn't happen easily, as any of you who are familiar with my personality may understand, but it did..I fell, and fell..long story short; after she finally learned of these feelings, of course it was well for awhile...she had broken up with her boyfriend six months ago or so, and so I had to help her with her after-issues with him, too, and do my best to suck up the jealousy, because she was still fawning over him, and didn't seem to regard me much, even though she knew sort of how I felt.

Again, long story short...things got more intense between her and I, eventually getting sexual..however, the catch is this: She was always a bit prudish; she was 24 and yet still a virgin (waiting for the right man, I guess), but oh, she had such desire and passion, so many wants, she was kinky, wild, yet also at times wanting sensitive, tender lovemaking; I never really went for it with her actively, though; not because I was afraid, but because I don't do that with someone who I feel is special..I respect them, and I wait..anyway, we had so many collective fantasies and wants and passion for each other; she told me of how sexually, I grabbed something so deep in her, that she had never known someone with my passion, that she thought it didn't really exist..And it was wonderful, the nasty phone conversations we had, the one kiss we did share, everything...and that's just the physical element. The emotional; well...let me just say that I was becoming very attached to her; I was falling..But she was still trying to get over her boyfriend, so I often had to suck it up and just be a good friend; it was very hard sometimes, but I knew I had to put her ahead of me; that's what you do for someone you love..

..Then she goes AWOL for about four days, and I only finally contacted her tonight..started off fine; she tells me how she was doing lots of studying, etc, but then...she tells me how she met a guy named Jerry in the coffee shop she works at, and they talked, and hit it off right away...She, that same night, decided to date him..And then THREE days later, she apparently did everything but have actual intercourse with him..yes, that's right; she received the oral I so badly wanted to give her, she gave the oral I wanted, I never got to slide my (long, and apparently appealing) fingers into her, or kiss her again; nothing...

Maybe you don't understand: SHE FUCKING TELLS ME HOW PIOUS AND MORAL SHE IS, AND HOW MUCH SHE WANTS ME, AND HOW SHE'S STARTING TO LOVE ME TOO..THEN MEETS ANOTHER FUCKING PUNK WHO CHARMS HER AND FUCKING BEDS HER!!! FUCK!!

Yes, of course I'm indescribably angry and sickened and jealous, over that..but it is not just my physical want that's fucking with me. The emotional; well...it sure radically changed my views of her, and it makes me wonder if all the things she said about liking/loving/wanting me were even true at all; how could they be, if she's willing to do something she knew would greatly damage me? It's the insincerity from her as a whole that's hurting, angering, insulting, driving me crazy right now...

I know some will say I didn't know her long enough to be "in love", but fuck that..sometimes it happens...I did my best to support her in bad times and put aside my own misgivings to help her; maybe I gave too much...

Then she shows me how much she really "loves" and "wants" me BY MESSING WITH ANOTHER FUCKING MAN!!!

..I thought the pain of having my heart broken (and then broken even worse, by my old girlfriend, again, later) was the ultimate pain; that it never got worse, that if I could make it through that, I could endure anything..I was wrong.

I'm a stunned, extremely hurt, angered mess of wild emotions right now that, in spite of my best attempts, I can't seem to put in their places...which is so unlike me; normally I can heal myself from pain fairly well...

..But this..This is worse than anything, ever; all my disappointments and heart-wounds (never breaks, until only recently, which led me into my drug addiction..no, I'm ot finding fault; it was my decision, but the heartbreak was my catalyst to make it), everything I've ever experienced in my life, combined...I for the first time honestly don't know what to do with myself. It's almost..scary.

But fear isn't my prime emotion...It's a horrid mixture of anger and hate and leftover love and extreme hurt that are my prime emotions..I'm actually crying as I type this; I don't care if any of you know, either, because I don't cry very often anyway..just when I'm terribly hurt..

..I took a walk out in the rain here in Oklahoma City (visiting, not living), and thought...Oh how the rage builds when I imagine him touching her, stealing her sexual soul, getting everything that I was going to get...I imagine his hands on her and I want to fucking kill him, and I >gasp< even want to force her into sex, punish her for hurting me; and take her actual virginity for myself, which he doesn't have (yet)..No, I'm not psychotic or a rapist or even going to do it, but ooh, the thoughts racing through my mind...I fucking can't even adequately explain to you all how terrible this is.

I did make a resolution to myself, though...When I first heard the news, I slapped on one of my Fentanyl patches (posted about them in BLTC), but then I made that resolution to myself..I resolved to move on. No matter what it takes; to not let this shift my life's focus, or hurt my future chances with somebody, or ruin me...I can do it, I know in my heart and soul I can, but it's so hard..I got mad at myself for sticking that patch on, so I just ripped it off and threw it into the grass..(OKC drug addicts go look in the Mariott front lawn..)..I told myself I didn't need them, that they made nothing better; that nothing could make this better but pure WANT to make it better...My pure want for her has to bcome pure resolve to move away and get on with life..

..But I'm human, too...those horrible images of him touching her body, my images of her moaning and breathing hard while he slips his tongue inside, just like I wanted..!!

I have methamphetamine in my system now...it felt so nice, but I got that news, and it just completely killed the high..I don't even feel anything now, so I'm coming to you sober, for all intents and purposes, if you were wondering..

..Ooooh I'll never be able to get those horrible images away; they'll haunt my dreams and my sleep and my life..but they won't ruin me..!! No!! I will not fucking let them..and I'll get over it myself, not with drugs..no, I'm not really quitting, but I'm not going to use them when I'm sad anymore..just when I need them (Fentanyl for pain/injuries, meth if I have to drive a long way, etc..)..

Ohh I can't stand this awful feeling; I can feel my soul being ripped apart..I..

GOD DAMNIT...

>takes a deep breath...<.

...

....I never mentioned her on Totse until now because she held a special place to me; I tend not to mention people I truly love her, just girls I might wanna nail..Granted, I'm a sexual person as it is, and I can be shallow too, but I couldn't and wouldn't ever cause somebody I cared about, or who cared about me, that sort of pain, by completely fucking them over for my own good..!

This hurts...so bad. I can't stand it. But no, I won't kill myself, or use my patches..I'll sit here, I'll talk on AIM to anyone who can, I'll..I'll...just..I don't know!!

..god damnit I hate her and him..but I still feel for her, even though she broke my trust in her...I don't want to love her anymore!

I guess this is Karma, for whatever bad things I've done in my life, but...ooh god, I wouldn't wish something this horrible on anyone but somebody who inflicted the same pain on someone..

I have to..go..walk, run, scream, punch the wall, sob...And fuck you if you think I'm some kind of wuss for that; you'll get hurt too someday..Yes, you will.

ooooh someone help me....even though nobody can help me right now but..me..

images..coming back...!!!!

ooh this is fucking too much..

I'll stop here; I just..thanks for reading..say whatever you want; I won't let myself be touched anymore, by anything.

And don't you fucking insult me by telling me I was just lusting after her; no...lusty feelings came later, but I got to know her heart first..not her body. But sex is a profound part of love, and thus...losing that causes me pain (and anger) too. That's as best I can but it..

BLAM! You've been caught being a nice guy. Nice guys finish last, trust me, been there.

It's law, hell, type nice guys finish last on google and see what you come up with (besides the Greenday song). Basically it goes like this:

The girl goes to you for emotional support while the goes off and has sex with the asshole. The question "Why?" is still being asked, with no apparent answer. Sorry dude, the only thing to say is "tough luck".

I don't know what to say... I've read your posts in the past and you've always come across as one of the most humane people on this forum... I just hope what I have to say has some bearing or positive effect.

In my opinion you did love her; it wasn't lust on your part at all, nor infatuation. The fact that you stuck with her even while she was hung up on her past boyfriend, proves that... as well as the depth (from what I gather), that you knew her... her professed morals and views. I just think, that when it came down to it, she didn't love you.

She is probably one of these girls who doesn't know what she wants, and so she strings along possibilities till what she is most compatible with, comes along to reveal itself/himself.

I can't empathise... and sympathy is too mild an emotion to feel for someone in your position. If the same happened to me I would be homicidal...

As for you, as you've said before, you've endured pain. You refused to use the patch to blot out the painful memories. You're taking strong steps to survive an experience that you could never have prevented.

The fact that she could do something that would hurt you so much, while knowing your feelings for her (at least to some extent), and then tell you about it, proves she couldn't be "the one for you". I hope you survive this, as you seem to have survived so much shit that you have endured in your life.

I know she's not the one, now..

But realizing that, and in such an insulting and hurtful way...I don't know if I'll ever heal entirely from this; I may move on, find somebody else, but this..this is going to remain part of me forever, and probably make me even more untrusting and hateful; I'll probably push everyone away, and in doing so, will probably never find someone to love; or rather, somebody who loves me. I'm beginning to think that no one in my life has ever sincerely loved me. I guess I must deserve it for some reason, though..

I feel like I was stabbed in the heart, emasculated, lied-to and disregarded, all at once..ooh I hope none of you have to ever go through this shit...all of you, including my biggest detractors; people like Dangermouse, Game Over Asshole, etc...Both of which are fucking kidiot cocksuckers, by the way, but still..I'd feel really bad for either of them, even, if they had to endure this...pain? anger? insult? All three..? I don't even know...god damnit.

I just want this to end...the only way it would end for sure is if I killed myself, which I could do by slapping on all my remaining Fentanyl patches, but what good would it be...I'd be around no longer, and life would go on..and I don't want to die without a heart or soul, as I am now.

I'm overall a strong, smart, reasonable, caring and decent person, even if I look fucking creepy, but just..I have issues, too; I may be a sometimes-egotistical jackass, but goddamnit, I had a heart, even though it's just destroyed now. All it's good for is pushing blood. My soul; well, that's nowhere to be found, either. I wonder if being a good shot and having a brain and capable body alone will be enough to drag me through life..maybe I should join the Air Force; I'm still young enough..I just don't fucking know what to do..

EDIT: And Psychlonic, you make a valid point..But being an asshole will only get me shallow, sex-driven, stupid bitches, like it always has. I want somebody...real.

[This message has been edited by Infrared (edited 05-01-2004).]

This is just fucking nuts! Yeah, this sparks some serious memories.

What is your AIM address?

Sorry to hear that.

Jack Lupino IX

..Though I probably won't be saying much at all

Doan tell me: The *guy* turned her on, she began to think it was mutual. Then for some reason she though he seemed a "little distant

was withdrawing emotionally"...she had

to have him, couldn't let him slip away...

If he hadn't seemed to withdraw, had turned his full attention on her it would be differ.

She would have done her *Promise Creepers* wait until marriage spiel.

One recent study about teenage sex abstainers

said they on average wait 18 months longer to have thexxth.

Thing is, they don't use protection, take precautions, because they made their promise of abstention. I guess it's just like any

other popular fad that folks take up to fit in. They don't think, just copy.

Try to look on the bright side. You found out

early, before you bought a house together, come home early & found her in bed with some girl nurse you work with. Leaves you open to meet/meat Ms. Right (who just last wk moved to...NM lol).

Wow...

I mean... shit... what the fuck are you on?

I'm on nothing.

Ummm, that was to Moonmeister.

There's nothing left to say, this plainly sucks =)

Perhaps a relevant Dutch saying:

"Vrouwen; je kan beter wiet verbouwen."

Roughly translated:

"Woman; it's better to grow weed."

It rhymes in Dutch though ..

[This message has been edited by Contradiction (edited 05-01-2004).]

Fucking Bitches.. Same thing happin to me Bro.. just a little different context.

Guess she was right to call me weak..

I ended up feeling tired, even more sad and more pissed, so I just IV'ed a whoooooole bunch of shard...a very unhealthy dose that almost made me pass out..am I happy? No...but it smoothed my intense anger and sobbing fits out considerably, strangely enough...and I stuck on a Fentanyl patch, both because I'm getting a migraine and because I want to avoid the awful meth crash; dealing with one now would make me near suicidal...god...sometimes I'm so strong and sometimes I'm so weak..I've gone beyond the bottom..there's both contentment in admitting that, and a guilt, and a want to be something more than a heartbroken shard/fentanyl addict...

I've said it already, but..I honestly just don't know what to do with myself now; I know that the way out is through, but "through" is so agonizing...

It's only after you've hit rock bottom, that you can truly be free =)

All right...this is a hell of a situation, Infra. i can't say i know exactly how you feel; the guy i was in love with [and still am] told me he liked me, asked out some other chick...but its not the same, so we won't go there.

I know its hard, but what you have to do first thing is stop numbing it with drugs. seriously. you can't heal until you feel the pain, or you're just hiding it from yourself. it will hurt you later. its human nature, you need to feel pain and yes, CRY to relieve yourself of those feelings. don't kill yourself, either; we'll miss you.

Secondly, let me tell you something. Girls might like guys who are flashy assholes, but we STICK with guys who are nice, and sweet, and make us feel special. DON'T go along like a total asshole finding one-night stands. Nice guys finish last in the "how much ass can i get" race, but they damn well pull ahead when it comes to a lasting, consistent, loving relationship. I tell you this for a FACT. I don't know ONE girl dating an asshole who doesnt actually want a nice guy and just doesnt think she can do better. So keep being like you were with her; the right girl WILL come along.

As for the chick? If i were you, i'd just break of all relations with her. I mean, yeah she was special to you and she probably STILL counts you as a friend, but itll kill you to hang around her. Tell her flat out why you dont wanna be around her any more, and DON'T listen to any sorry-ass excuses trying to get you back.



you're better than her. you can do better than that. you are better than that.

*hugs* tell me if you want to talk.

Infra, aren't you in country where spring is

well advanced, yet the weather isn't too deadly yet? Get out & away from people. Ain't you depressed, but free to check out nature? Piss on people, fer now. Get next to Nature.

Run through the fields, pick wild aparagus. Eat lots of fresh produce, till you can blow yer blues out yer ass.

Check out my post in B & M: fixing "nigger". You *might* laugh...?

[This message has been edited by moonmeister (edited 05-01-2004).]

Oh Infra... if only you knew how many other people felt exactly the same way. And how often this type of thing actually happens. It's sickening when you realize that love isn't all that it's cracked up to be... it's more. And in a bad, bad way. It'll destroy you. It won't make you happy. The pain that love brings is most often not worth the happiness. Eventually, everyone will realize that. There's all those people that are all "love is so great. I'm so happy, blah blah blah..." idiots. It's going to end, the other person is going to rip your heart out, or you'll do it to them, and on goes the cycle.

Try not to let the weak side of you take over. Because she'll likely get emotionally devastated by this other guy, and come running back to you, and you'll be so happy, you'll want to forgive her for everything she put you through. Don't. When that happens, think about all the pain that you've gone through, and make her feel it. "But she's such a good person..." no. She isn't. Turn all that emo crap into rage. Rage=good.

Maybe one day you'll actually find someone that won't hurt you, that will understand you, and you'll spend the rest of your life with them. Won't be love though.

^^^ Let's you & I leave our respective homes,

dear. We'll meet half way inbetween dear, at Red Deer we'll go to bed dear.

We'll put our dark glasses on, then we'll make love till we can't go on. Then we'll get it up & do it again.

Amen.

Moon... maybe. Could we just kill people instead? I kinda feel like doing that right now.

She didn't hurt you, you're hurting you. No matter what happens, it's on us to process that info and react and feel. The more you dwell on the details of her encounter, the more you're torturing yourself. Why would you keep thinking about it? The more you tell yourself that your hurt the more you WILL hurt. However, if you look at it as another obstacle, something that will make you stronger, the faster you'll be okay, the faster you'l get over the pain.

Stop pitying yourself, stop feeding the fire. Your perpetuating the cycle of depression the more you admit to being upset. If you refuse to feel the anger, hurt, frustration, pain, you won't feel it. But if you indulge in your pain and listen to sad music and look at pictures and rerun her in your head constantly, of course you're going to hurt.

She's living her life for her not for you. The problem is, you're living your life for her. You have to at it like, this is her life. She's doing what makes her happy. Obviously she wasn't you you thought she was if she's not in synch with you.

The more you get hurt now, the more you'll appreciate when you really find someone who is living for you.

I know this is of little comfort, as I had the same things told to me, but I've been through almost the same situation before and so has my best friend. if you do need someone to talk to my aim is mystisch etwas

Just hang in there man, you will get through it.

She's fucking around with another guy, that doesent nescessarily mean that she is over you or doesent like you.

Indeed, this could mean quite the opposite, she's trying to distract herself with other guys ,distraction, to stop thinking about you?

you're worthless. you've tried to validate your life with outlandish drug purchases, but it doesn't mean shit. she must have seen right through that... no wonder you didn't get any. go and get high, drink some wine in your bathrobe, and cry.

Well, generally I don't stay about this forum, but was bored today and stumbled upon your post.

Best thing I know:

1.) Suicide is a coward's way out, don't try it no matter how much you hurt

2.)Keep hoping, because when there's nothing left, hope could make the difference

3.) This Jerry person is more than likely a mother-fucking jackass, therefore all he probably wanted was sex, and probably never actually knew her as a person. Don't be surprised if after he gets some, he will rip her heart out and stomp into the ground. After that happens, she will probably come to you-obviously she trusts you, alot, or you wouldn't have been the one she chose to tell about it. Don't completely slam ehr face into teh dirt if she does come to you crying, because you can get her back if you want.

~Mors

quote:Originally posted by 00Nick00:

you're worthless. you've tried to validate your life with outlandish drug purchases, but it doesn't mean shit. she must have seen right through that... no wonder you didn't get any. go and get high, drink some wine in your bathrobe, and cry.

If you think that girls judge guys and elliminate any from their sights that have a drug problem, if you're that stupid, you're going to die an ugly virgin.

I pity you. Or rather I would if you didnt say such nasty stupid senseless crap.

keep telling yourself that...

quote:Originally posted by guernica:

Moon... maybe. Could we just kill people instead? I kinda feel like doing that right now.

That's why the shades. We'll both get huge strap-ons & I'll take Viagra too. We'll kill them, but in a special way.

When we're satiatied with them, then we'll work on each other.

We'll '69 till 1970 comes round.

Infrared,

I, too, am in a very similiar situation as you. I have a very good understanding of how you feel, and the only way you will ever feel better about it is to block it from your mind and accept her decision. Don't think about it. I know you don't want to hear that, because I said the same thing when I was in your position. My response was "I can't forget about it, it's impossible". While that might still be true, it's impossible to forget things that hurt you this bad, there is a way to "get over them". I realize right now your mind is racing, you're thinking about her constantly. The thoughts of her kisses, her smile, and her "love" will always be in your mind. I still think of my last girlfriend everyday. It's not something that is easy to deal with, but the sooner you accept the decision she made, the sooner you will be able to "carry-on" with your life. It's not an easy road. You'll meet other girls along the way, but it is usually not a good idea to get very interested in them because of your vulnerability. You're looking to "fill the hole" in your heart. Just be strong, but break off any and all of the relations with her. Don't email her, talk to her on the phone, don't go with her anywhere... the pain will only intensify. It will take time, but you will make it. I know it's hard, it's very hard, but have faith. I had a lot of the same thoughts as you, and I still wonder what I would do if I ever seen her. I don't know if I would look in her eyes and fall madly back into love with her, or if I would smack her in the face(probably couldnt do that) because of how much she hurt me. It'll all get better, time heals all wounds.

ah, infrared... what crap you go through. well, bless you boy for taking it and keep on trucking. you'll see god at the end of the proverbial road, for sure.



I'd like to take this opportunity to express a few feelings of my own. I have bad luck with the ladies. I either meet women I couldn't care less about, ones that are interesting, but ultimately too shallow and dumb, and one in particular that I can't stop thinking about. unfortunately, she's in Oregon. which makes these feelings purely ridiculous.

well, I went through something that resembled what Infra is dealing with now, only not QUITE so harsh. more of in the sense that I know nothing will come of our little relationship, and that although I've made it obvious about how I feel about her, and that she's made some comments about how much she cares for me, of course every now and then, she tells me of her latest boyfriends, and inquires about... well, MY latest endeavours. of course, I have none. I suck at getting girls... well, of course I've never really tried. only a certian kind of women can interest me, and none of that kind of woman exists around where I live.

not to mention I'm not exactly the greatest looking, so that perhaps scares the ladies away. but I digress...

as you can guess, it rather frustrates me that

i'm sitting here, I'm a nice guy, I'm not fat, I'm not THAT hideous to look at, I've got a full time, hard working job and a sweet car, I'm more-or-less a smart guy, and still I have not felt true love. feelings for others, yes, but never any such feelings from others, to me. in ANY way.



sad, really. what the fuck have I done wrong? why do I seem to be destined to be alone? it's NOT FUCKING FAIR! I feel like perhaps I'm destined for something else, perhaps something greater. but alas, such a purpous hasn't hit me yet.



it's all this crap that has (well, hasn't) happened to me that has given me the attitude towards love I have at this time. very cautious not to get myself into anything.

I somehow wish I knew what I know now back in grade 7. I knew fuck all about anything, sexuality-related or otherwise. I guess my ignorance on the subject, plus the fact that I was the weird new kid with strange tastes, gave off the effect of homosexuality to all these 12 year old horny dimwits. of course, I aint gay, never have been, but such as things went, I was too shy (or had a mad crush on someone else) to accept the idea that anyone else liked me. and so, of course, that little problem remained all the way through high school. never able to show my true self, perhaps due to being too self conscious (I'm really not sure why), I was constantly shunned and treated like the class loser that I apparently was.

well, now you see why I'm on totse... heh.

and now, I've changed SO fucking much over the past year and a half, but it's simply too late. looks to me like a lost cause.



well, as those years carried on, so did a constant feeling of frustration and anger, something my parents couldn't ever figure out. I never had a back bone back then, so I kept it all to myself.

now, I'm guessing those of you who think of me ass a whining asshole or whatever, now know WHY I am the way I am. it's all coming out now, my true feelings, who and what I really am...



and what does this have to do with love? well, I dunno. I just wanted to vent. also, I'm listening to Iced Earth right now, so emotions are running high.