I've created a hypothetical scenario, and I'd like to know what you fellas would do/feel/think if you were in these shoes...

(Don't read more into the story than there is, just do your best to put yourself into it)

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>

You meet a beautiful, loving woman. Your ideal in every way. After a year or so you marry, 12 months later you have your first child.

Driving home from a visit to friends one evening you fall asleep at the wheel, your car goes off the road and rolls several times. You and your child are okay, but your wife is badly injured.

She spends months in the hospital, comatose. When she finally wakes up she remembers nothing, not you, not your child, nothing. Because she doesn't remember she no longer loves you, she doesn't want to go home with you. Everything is unfamiliar to her, she treats you like a stranger.

You give her space, and even though your heart is breaking you do your best to wear a smile in hopes that you can work your charm again.... it's like starting from scratch, only harder because this time she's different.

Because things are different, pressured, and stressed she begins to develop the idea that yours isn't a 'good' relationship. She can't remember the good times, so all she has to base her feelings/choices on is that she has a husband she doesn't know, who isn't exactly himself because his whole world has completely fallen to pieces.

And all this time there's that nagging thought in the back of your mind, it's your fault. You crashed the car.

6 months later things haven't changed... it's like she hasn't even considered the possibility of rekindling your relationship. She's still the same beautiful person you fell in love with, which just makes it that much more painful. She cannot, or will not let you get close enough to even stand a chance.

And you still love her with all your heart.

</UL>

How does this effect you?

What do you do?

Give up?

Move on?

Keep hoping?



[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 04-22-2004).]

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

I've created a hypothetical scenario, and I'd like to know what you fellas would do/feel/think if you were in these shoes...

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>

You meet a beautiful, loving woman. Your ideal in every way. After a year or so you marry, 12 months later you have your first child.

Driving home from a visit to friends one evening you fall asleep at the wheel, your car goes off the road and rolls several times. You and your child are okay, but your wife is badly injured.

She spends months in the hospital, comatose. When she finally wakes up she remembers nothing, not you, not your child, nothing. Because she doesn't remember she no longer loves you, she doesn't want to go home with you. Everything is unfamiliar to her, she treats you like a stranger.

You give her space, and even though your heart is breaking you do your best to wear a smile in hopes that you can work your charm again.... it's like starting from scratch, only harder because this time she's different.

Because things are different, pressured, and stressed she begins to develop the idea that yours isn't a 'good' relationship. She can't remember the good times, so all she has to base her feelings/choices on is that she has a husband she doesn't know, who isn't exactly himself because his whole world has completely fallen to pieces.

And all this time there's that nagging thought in the back of your mind, it's your fault. You crashed the car.

6 months later things haven't changed... it's like she hasn't even considered the possibility of rekindling your relationship.

And you still love her with all your heart.

</UL>

How does this effect you?

What do you do?

Give up?

Move on?

Keep hoping?

[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 04-22-2004).]

1.) Care about the child.

2.) Care about yourself or you'll get hurt badly. *

3.) Care about her.

*If you don't care about yourself first you have nothing to offer to her anyway. The child comes first. Then you. Then her.

My 2 cents.

Respectfully,

S. Bro



EDIT: In fact: Care about yourself firstly or you won't have anything to offer to anyone else. Not even yourself.



[This message has been edited by chemhacker (edited 04-22-2004).]

now I'm certainly not one for giving up easily, but having it be my fault, and having the love of my life not want to be near me anymore, I'd probably kill myself. either that or just purge my life of her and try to move on. I have no idea what I would do with the kid. in fact, the existence of the kid would probably stop me from suicide. all the same, it would destroy me.

I suppose I've learned that life is cyclical, not linear. Only in hindsight do you ever know if an event that occurred was a good thing or a bad thing because such a judgement should be based on how subsequent events turn out.

The end of a relationship can't be viewed as the end of one's existence. A traumatic accident can feel the same as a traumatic break-up. You can't go around assigning blame to events that are pretty much unpredictable.

I can wax philosophical on these issues for hours, but I'll spare you. Instead, I'll just say that we always have the option to keep moving forward.

I'm hoping this has nothing at all to do with the help-me-decide-how-to-kill-myself thread, and is instead really a worthwhile thought experiment.

quote:How does this effect you?

I'd feel guilty. I'd feel like a complete failure at being a father and a husband, because (egalitarian ideologies aside for the moment) I'd feel like I failed to protect my family and the woman I loved. I mean, thank god our child wasn't hurt, but that was just blind luck -- all 3 of us could've been killed or worse. I'd be worrying about what life would be like as a single parent -- whether or not I could hack it as a widower/father, along with how the hell was I going to go about explaining the situation to our child.

quote:What do you do?

"If you love something, let it go." Truer words were never spoken. If I loved my wife enough to promise to honor her, I'd never think about forcing her to do anything she didn't want to do. If it was in her heart to leave, I'd have to let her.

It would probably destroy me to do it, but I wouldn't have any choice in light of my feelings. I'd tell her that I loved her, figure out someplace she could go, even help her pack her bags. It's impossible to love somebody and at the same time act selfishly

quote:Give up?

More like "come to an acceptance of the situation," as that's what it would be. On one level, the woman I cared about would be gone. As if she'd actually died in that crash. It'd be like suddenly having her long-lost twin replacing her, and although it might look and feel the same, it wouldn't be her.

quote:Move on?

Maybe in time. You don't just fall in love with someone, get married, have a child together, and have those feelings die overnight. Maybe for the sake of our child, especially if my wife didn't want to stick around to take care of it, I'd find a good friend or somebody new after a time who could also be my wife and the mother of my/our child(ren). But that kind of person usually comes around only once.

quote:Keep hoping?

'Not my place to hope for that much. I couldn't keep telling my kid, "Don't worry, Mommy will be coming home some day once she figures things out." It'd be cruel to our kid and cruel to myself, to be perfectly honest. I'd try my best to accept the situation as-is and not hope for even a partial return to the way things were.

Good topic, Sarc. Got my brain working.

OooOooh, all very stimulating.

Find someone to care for the child, and then blow head off.

Maybe that sounds extreme, but I know just how painful it is to love somebody who doesn't love you at all. You might say that's the main reason I've become such a wreck.

I haven't blown my head off, and most likely wouldn't in your scenario, but my heart would eventually just die, and I would quit caring anymore, and everything would just become "routine"; all that pain would be more present than ever, but I would eventually cease to feel it, and then start trying to let go of my wife (emotionally).

Do you ever wonder how it is for kids in general? Chemically/psychologically there a various stages in average relationships. Now the scientists say the first six months are the most intense, which sounds right.

Anyways, I seem to recall they say that by four years from the relationships start, the mind-chemical-addiction is over. The thrill is gone. Now usually it's women who do the

"relationship-work".

That *work* is hard, even ejoyable, but if it's one-sided it can be very tiring & seem ever so pointless. After the chemical rush is gone the realities set in.

So, how old is an average 1st child by that 4th year? Say, the reltionship is 1yr. old by

the time of conception, 2yrs. by birth. So a kid might be 2 by the time the parents have been together 4. A kid is often 2(barely) by the time the parents have given up on each other. Maybe even younger.

No? For under 30's, 4 years seems a loooong,

long time. No wonder society has seemed to pressure couples (historically) to stay together. Cause it do be so, so very hard.

In conclusion, may I say: Ouch, ouch, ooouchy

ouch, owww, ooooowwwwwwwww....

umm, after seeing 40 first dates id have to say, i would keep trying. its kinda sad i related that to a movie with adam sandler.

quote:Originally posted by moonmeister:

Anyways, I seem to recall they say that by four years from the relationships start, the mind-chemical-addiction is over. The thrill is gone.



I highly doubt this has been proven. but if it has then so what. Maybe you aren't attracted physically to the person anymore, but that doesn't mean that you aren't friends even really good friends.

For me atleast I mean I'm still very attracted to my girlfriend but even if I wasn't she is like my best friend and I don't think that would ever change.

If you decided to raise a child with someone they should be a very good friend that wont let you down in the long run.

In this situation though it's tough because she doesn't recall who you were to her at all.

Were I to be placed in this position I think I would just take my kid and move on find another girl that would take care of my child adequetly(sp).

You prick, this was a movie on Lifetime. I caught a chick friend watching it. What a terrible movie. This woman wakes up from a party that was 6 years ago or something and finds out she's married to some guy or something. I don't know.

Billowz, did you read my post completely? I talked about having to participate in the whole couple deal, not just take it for granted. If the chemical deal is not so full on, it takes more concious effort.

I take it you've been together more than five

years? Are you pulling yer weight, couple wise, or are you (or perhaps she) taking the other for granted? I know it can be hard to see when yer right inside a situation.

I mean is a love totally different than buying something you really want/struggle for? Next thing you know...gathering dust it be. Even if you've not much changed your mind

about the value of the object of your desire.

It takes attention & will & intent to do the doing that you truly want to do.

Do be do be doooo!

i'd keep trying. any woman i'd marry i'd know well enough to charm the pants of her a second time. i think you'd just need the confidence and patience to do it a second time. wouldn't be easy, but i'm used to waiting.

i'd definitely stay persistent and i'd get her back in the end.