 no affection?
I've been with this girl for about 3 1/2 months, and I'm desperately in love. The first 3 months were great; I was really feeling the love. I mean, hugs and kisses, and holding her all night. She had told me ahead of time she doesnt like affection due to however she was raised. But, I really found it hard to believe because of how things were going. My friend from Houston is visiting with me and I had a dream that him and my girl were messing around. I told her about this dream, just trying to be real with her because I want to be able to tell her everything. She tripped out saying that I didnt trust her. But I felt like she was giving him more attention then she was giving to me. Laughing at jokes and talking, just bullshit if you know what I mean. We've been fighting for the past week, just about stupid shit. I threatened to break up with her tonight, thinking maybe things would change. But I realized that whatever she said was true tonight, about the affection. I know she still loves me a lot, at least she says she does. I havent been through a lot of relationships either, and this is my longest one. I've grown really attached to her. Like, if I dont see her for a day or even a couple of hours I feel shitty, even if were having a bad day. I've kind of unloaded a lot of crap on her lately. I'm talking about things that I was trippin about for a while. Like, before we hooked up she gave my friend a hand job. And every now and then I get mental images and it really grosses me out. I told her of this and she tripped too. I guess I can understand however she feels because I would probably do the same thing if she told that to me. Anyway, she said to me tonight that the reason things changed is because of looks that I gave her or something. I think my eyes really do tell a lot about how I feel though. I used to think she was perfect and she convinced me otherwise. I need to convince myself that I dont need it I think. (Affection) I know for a fact that she isnt cheating on me. She spends a whole lot of time at my house even when Im not there. I even accused her of using me for my apartment because she lives with her parents and she hates it. I feel really shitty. I have this pain in my heart that just wont go away. This isnt a regular girl though. She thinks a lot differently then anyone Ive ever met, which I think is what attracted me to her so much. I told her how I feel about the affection and that I thought I needed it, but I realized that its a 2 way street. Like if someone is looking at you weird or not talking to you the way they used to your not going to want to be close to them. But I hate when she compares me to ex boyfriends. She tends to do that when we fight, I think just because she knows it pisses me off. She knows way too much about me I think. Its dangerous I'm told from friends. Am I weird for wanting a relationship that can be completely open? Sex isnt even an issue. We've messed around a bunch but not lately, but we never had intercourse. We decided right away that it wasnt a good idea. But she brings it up sometimes and is like,"If I wanted it bad enough you would have done it". I tell her thats not true at all, I mean whenever we first hooked up maybe I would have done it then, but after we talked about it I was like "nah best to wait". What I really miss though is the nights she spends at my house when Im off work. I just hold her tight, and its the best sleep in the world.
She goes on these rants of whose right and wrong, yet yells at me for being competitive sometimes. But I'm competitive at stupid shit like, "HAHA I WHOOPED UP ON YOU IN MARIO". I think trying to decipher who is right and wrong for certain crap is being competitive too. She puts me on guilt trips like, "I'm the bad one, your right you didnt do anything". I say, "No, No one is to blame, its just nonsense". I dont know. I'm confused as shit, as whoever is reading this can probably tell. But I'm totally confident I still love her with all my heart. I just don't really know what to do. She has an advantage though, she is 21 and has been through a lot of relationships, so she thinks that she can relate everything I say to someone else she's been with. I'm only 19 and pretty inexperienced in anything serious. Man, I don't know I've been so depressed lately. I haven't been eating. My sleep is broken up in 4-5 hour sections. I even tried to change myself for her, just my mentality I mean. I realized that was wrong. I'm going through a whole lot of shit. I never thought this relationship "mumbo jumbo" would be so fucking complicated. ESPECIALLY PMS! And I dont even know when its coming, so I trip out whenever she gets attitudes for a week, thinking she is all serious. I don't know yall; this girl can make me feel either at the top of the world, or lower then shit. I don't like it. I don't regret anything, other then trying to break up with her. Good thing I took care of that. She was all talking about how no one is ever going to understand her and like pretty much just feeling sorry for herself. She threatened to cut herself about an hour ago. I live like a 20-minute walk away from work and I was on the phone, so I just darted over there; (I dont have a car). I don't know I think maybe I care too much, but I didnt think that was possible, ya know? I dont know this is just a rant but I do have a question.
Do they make anti-horney pills? Ones without lasting side effects?
Havent been horney lately but just incase I were to go on some kind of weird spree or something, I just want to know. I dont want her to feel like I'm using her for sex favors.
If my thinking on any of this stuff is fucked up feel free to post something. I'm open to all suggestions. I'm not leaving her though, I know shes crazy, and I like her that way.
Edit: Spelling
[This message has been edited by Psychotogen (edited 03-16-2004).]
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2004-03-16, 06:56
