PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS!

I am a female going on 30, and wanting a few peoples opinion on what I am about to do. I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years with the same guy now. He has seen two other women as well during this time, but they are both gone now and I am still with him. In the course of all of this he introduced me to his best male friend a few years ago, and over the past year we have been hanging around with him alot during the past year. Over time "our" now best friend has seen alot of things that has went on between the two of us, and it has made he and I very close. Now the friend has become "my" best friend instead of my boyfriend's best friend. We have been looking at the option of being together, because we are very compatible with one another, a great deal more so than I and my boyfriend. Even he has seen this and told us both that if something happened to he and I that he wanted his best friend to have me as long as he took good care of me. Anyway to try to shorten the story a bit.. I am falling in love with our friend, and he too with me... and before I do what I'm about to do I would like to have you guys opinion... thanks!

[This message has been edited by starrcat69 (edited 02-23-2004).]

Maybe one of the mods will imput your thoughts since you guys seem to be the smartest on this site. Your input appreciated.

hmmmm you are walking on dangerous ground. Be careful.

I know how lovely it must be to imagine how wonderful your life would be with the other person, but this relationship has the capability to seriously fuck up your friends relationship with your current beau, not to mention you relationship with him.

and if hes willing to dog his best mate and go with you, what does that tell you about him?

Im not suggesting i know everything about your situation, just putting some ideas out there.

I'd go with the friend

quote:Originally posted by starrcat69:

Maybe one of the mods will imput your thoughts since you guys seem to be the smartest on this site. Your input appreciated.

Not a mod, but I'll try to help you out as much as I can. This seems to be a situation where you really have to think ahead in order to make a good decision. Compatability doesn't necessarily make someone a better person to be with in the long run. How much more compatible is the friend than your boyfriend? Say for instance, the difference is only a few shared interests here and there, but the boyfriend is more financially stable. This is an example of a situation where, depending on what your priorities are, you could simply say "compatibility be damned, I want someone who will benefit me more in the LONG RUN." To put it in a different scenario, what if you were talking about looks instead of compatibility? You wouldn't throw away a five year relationship ( I'm assuming a good one) just because you meet someone who looks a LITTLE BIT better than your boyfriend?



I'm kind of starting to ramble, but I'm just saying this is really something you should figure out on your own. You're almost 30, by now you should have a damn good idea of whats important to you in a LONG TERM relationship. In all honesty, you should pick the person you would consider well-rounded according to your needs, rather than your wants ONLY BECAUSE, simply put, you aren't getting any younger.

I'm sleepy, so if this still doesn't make sense, I'll fix it up later.

how is your relationship with your boyfriend? Other than that he has cheated on you twice, you haven't really given too much insight. Do you enjoy the relationship or are there any major problems? A five year relationship is not something you want to rush out on, and if you leave your boyfriend for his friend, there is no chance of you two getting back together.

Just because the two of you are compatible doesn't mean you are suited as lovers. You can love someone as a best friend. I have been in a situation where I have loved someone simply for the fact that they helped me through a really rough time. Could this be why you believe you love him so much? Before you make anymoves towards either side, you need to find out where your love for the friend stems from.

In the end, you need to do what will make you happy. If you are not happy in your five year relationship, of course you should leave it. If you think there is a chance of you leaving your boyfriend, having a fling with the friend and learning that he is not right for you and later really regretting it, I would seriously consider not doing it.

quote:Originally posted by ATypiCalStuDenT:

hmmmm you are walking on dangerous ground. Be careful.

I know how lovely it must be to imagine how wonderful your life would be with the other person, but this relationship has the capability to seriously fuck up your friends relationship with your current beau, not to mention you relationship with him.

and if hes willing to dog his best mate and go with you, what does that tell you about him?

Im not suggesting i know everything about your situation, just putting some ideas out there.

I agree wholeheartedly!

Good advice so far.

Be careful of the "grass is greener..." concept. Has the "best friend" seen all sides of you like your bf has? Has he dealt with petulant PMS and mood swings? Not to assume you have such issues, but most women do. Do you agree on financial matters, i.e. how to make, spend and save money? Do you agree on how to spend time socializing and how to spend free time in general?

As "atypical student" says, I'd be wary of a guy who throws friendship loyalties out the door and moves in on his "best friend's" girl. I don't like people who do such things; how can they be trusted?

You alone know your situation intimately, so we all are probably missing a lot of info as to why you think the "best friend" is a better choice. If you're looking for something long-term here, I don't have a lot of confidence you'll get it by switching partners.

See that's what I'm talking about... The thing is they really were close, but as the friend sees things the way things really are and the way that the boyfriend treats me. We have talked about this from day one in our conversations, and he told me that he never would do that to him, becuase he loved him like a brother. But I realize things change, and here are some of the reasons why:

As far as the relationship being a good 5 years, they haven't been that at all. He was seeing 2 other women at different times and also all of us during one time period. So the friend sees how he treats me and wants to show me he would treat me as if I was a princess.

On the stability thing, the friend is much more financially stable than the boyfriend. But that has no play in it, really, because I do not value material things when it comes to relationships.

As far as the major problems with the boyfriend is that he keeps changing him mind all the time back and forth, telling me he wants me and loves me, but then turns around and tells me things like we do not get along enough to be together, and that we argue constantly. He gets pissed off at nothing and then tries telling me that I should know and understand what made him mad.

DONT DO IT, it will only result in pain for all, you will feel bad about ditching your current boyfriend, he will feel bad about ditching his best friend, making things awkward between you two. Not to mention about hurting you current bf, it will crush him. Theres no worse of a thing you can do to your bf then dating his best friend.

Trust me, im a guy, and i have seen this happen before

two wrongs don't make a right! Don't do it girl, that is very unstable ground. So what he treats you like shit........Leave, but don't go to his best friend! You wanna know what'll happen, just mix drano and gasoline together and watch! ( DO NOT DO THIS, IT WILL KILL YOU! ) See I made my point; you won't be able to get away in time because it will blow up in your face, leaving you scarred! Find someone special in the Totse "Bitch and Moan" Personals.

Ok, I understand where you're coming from. But I wonder why you didn't leave the boyfriend sooner? If he treats you poorly, why did you stay with him? And why on earth would you tolerate him having other girlfriends simultaneously? You rather inadvertantly "trained" him into thinking his behavior was OK with you.

If you're leaving only because there's someone else available now, I suppose it isn't a terrible thing. But if he starts doing things that don't agree with you, are you going to tolerate it until someone else comes along? You deserve to make better choices for yourself exclusive of whether there will be a guy around for you.

Well thanks guys for all of your opinions and thoughts, but in the past and present I have made up my decision on what I am gonna do. I have already chosen my destiny and it just is a matter of time that I have to wait, unil my life long dream! Thanks once again guys.

quote:Originally posted by deadlycindy:

Ok, I understand where you're coming from. But I wonder why you didn't leave the boyfriend sooner? If he treats you poorly, why did you stay with him? And why on earth would you tolerate him having other girlfriends simultaneously? You rather inadvertantly "trained" him into thinking his behavior was OK with you.

I stayed with him this long, because I love him, and I didn't want to throw a relationship down the drain, unless i knew for a fact that it really wasnt gonna work for us.

DO NOT MIX DRANO AND GASOLINE TOGETHER!

quote:Originally posted by Heiko Palm:

DO NOT MIX DRANO AND GASOLINE TOGETHER!

HAHA funny! LMAO!