Okay,

So, this is a bit confusing, it's not a direct question, but more trying to understand everything, and some outside prespective [which I can't get irl], would help -

I have a fiance, whom cares for me greatly, and he's been one of my best friends for about 2 years now. We're opposite in most ways, but get along great; He puts up with my mood swings, and I try to help him out with whatever short-comings he had in his education.

Sure, the occaisonal arguement, which is expected; But he sees humor in the fact that I wanted to buy a life-size plastic cow and a 6 foot tall nargile before a fridge. [Given that I'm 5"2, it made the 6 foot tall nargile more amusing]

I love him greatly, as a friend and lover.

But the problem?

I'm excedingly sexually fustrated. I, personally, do prefer females to males, in a sexual context only

From simple things such as, only being interested in women in porn; Lesbian, solo masturbation, etc, but a guy is just an unwelcome distraction.

To things such as: In a club, the first thing I notice is a bird's arse in relation to her waist, and this is what turns me on. I've never thought to myself "Man, I'd like to fuck him all night long", but I have about many birds.

But I don't want a relationship with them. I get along better with guys; I find them easier to talk to, less material to an extent and "friendly fights" are easier. With a bird, I'm nervous and act like a ditz, try to keep my language soft, rather than how I talk in a group of 5 guys, all drunk. It also involves acting more feminine than I want to act, for the most part [sorry to generalize]

As crude as it sounds, I genuinly just want a girl for sex. The last one I had a relationship with was great as a friend, easy to talk to, and kinky in bed. So, I adored her. Still do. But an actual relationship was too stressful; PMS? Pfft, I have my own, I can't deal with someone elses.

Dates, cloth shopping, picnics . This isn't stuff I'm used to. I'm more pleased with a bottle of vodka and good music than by a romantic dinner, and so on. And I try to avoid clothes shopping as much as possible.

So, it went back to friends with benefits, where it was much more comfortable.

My fiance is well aware of how I feel, and told me, if I want a one night stand with a girl, he won't mind.

I don't agree to it, because I know he's lieing, and will mind; The trust he puts into me is too much anyway, given my erratic behavior. And I'm not happy hurting someone else for a one night stand with a bird I won't remember the next day.

So, this was long and rambling and most likely aimless.. I'm unsure on how to behave, if this is at all normal, and I care about him deeply, so I don't want to destroy both a relationship and a great friendship.

What's it look like from an outside point of view?

As in, how would it look to him?

Thanks,

~ Roxie

To be honest with you love...I didn't read that whole post.

I got to the part about noticing chicks at clubs and thought "Why not get a girl to join in some time or let him watch you get it on with some bird?"

I'm sure he wouldn't mind that!

He gets a good show...You get sexual pleasure from a woman.

Cooshdy!

Forgive my ignorance for not reading the whole post...I have a fucker of a cold and shit!

quote:Originally posted by psycho_8b:

To be honest with you love...I didn't read that whole post.

I got to the part about noticing chicks at clubs and thought "Why not get a girl to join in some time or let him watch you get it on with some bird?"

I'm sure he wouldn't mind that!

He gets a good show...You get sexual pleasure from a woman.

Cooshdy!

Forgive my ignorance for not reading the whole post...I have a fucker of a cold and shit!

Ahum.

Not all guys are like that... Before I had a serious gf, one I would like to mary someday, I tought it was arousing. Now I just don't want to share her with anyone. I love her very much, and I too, would tell her I wouldn't mind. But it would break my heart. I probably wouldnt't be able to look, I'd walk out.

Paranoid_Pothead, have you seriously talked to him about it? If he really loves you, and you love him, it shouldn't pose too much of a problem to bring up that topic... give, it is not an easy topic -to say the least- ... but maybe he looks at it in a different way, a way you haven't seen before. Try to think of it like this: what attracts you so much in women and not in men -sexually speaking- Is it the penetration that you dislike? Is it the tenderness of a women in bed you like...?

But these are matters you should discuss with your fiance... Like I always say: I prefer the truth, even if it means confrontation...

G'Luck, hope I was of help

If I were him, I would leave you.

Phew.. that's rough. It makes for a phenomenal relationship if the guy is all for it, but if he's not..

A question, related to what Semper said, and no doubt a difficult one to answer- do you think your sexual relationship with your fiance can improve to the point where you'll no longer have this frustration? In short, is he not as good as the girls, taking into consideration the fact you want girls more (ie. he has to be better than a given girl just to break even with her in terms of how much you'll enjoy sex with them)? In general, the answer to this is yes, but everyone's different. Even if you're not sure, you may find that in time your frustration will diminish to a minor "it'd be nice, but whatever" in the back of your mind.

Besides, what the hell are you doing engaged? Aren't you 16 or 17? I'm not saying you should be out living it up, especially given the fact that, if I remember correctly, you've done that a fair bit already. But for all the experiences you may have had so far, you're still young, and you more than likely have a good bit of time to figure things out. Don't stress over it.. the answers will come more quickly that way.

quote:Originally posted by Easy Going:

If I were him, I would leave you.

No doubt. I'm very difficult to live with.

Spiffy -

See, the things I enjoy with a girl are much different than those with a guy. With a bird, it's generally because it's comfortable , there's no rush, and it's playful in a way. And I do prefer to be dominating. But with a guy, any guy, it's not the same feeling like with a bird, which is as if... If we were at a pool, I could go down on her, stop halfway, go swimming a bit and continue. That sort of comfort and playfulness. That and they have to be dominating, or I'm not pleased.

I seriously do hope the feeling diminishes somewhat, it's obtrusive - He's well over protective, and if this one night stand was to occure with a close friend, or with my ex - girlfriend, as it used to, he doesn't mind.

It's because they are close friends. But we're no longer in England, so there's no chance like that. His paranoia stems more from, to be blunt, me being a whore. Which is understandable, I didn't show myself to be all that trustworthy.

I can discuss this with him till the cows come home [And since there are no cows here, it'll be a damn long time], but he'll just tell me it's fine, with me knowing perfectly well it's not.

Spiffy, I'm counting on your advice that the feeling will fade

I have no complaints in a sexual nature, cause I want a completly different thing from a bird, and they can't compare in my mind..

And yeah yeah, I'm young It can't be helped. But I'm feeling much more stable [err, not mentally, but you know] this way, and convience has it's uses. [ouch that sounded wrong, but you know what I mean]

I'm over stressing... But, we can talk about just about everything with ease, just not this one subject, and unfortunetly, I can't see things from his perspective, cause I'm still stuck in mine.

quote:Originally posted by Paranoid_Pothead:

Spiffy, I'm counting on your advice that the feeling will fade

Then I'd better use your latest post to clarify some things.

You say he's overprotective and somewhat paranoid, along with the fact he's not willing to have a frank talk with you on the matter. This is not a good state of affairs. I appreciate where you're coming from, knowing you're too stuck in your own mind for now to be able to see things from his end, but in this case, I'm not sure learning his perspective more than you already have is necessarily a good idea.

Normally, I'm all about understanding where everyone is coming from, but it doesn't do you a lot of good when you're in a situation that drags you about emotionally and that perspective is one of fear and closed-mindedness. Those are hard words to use, but regardless of how justified you may say those feelings of his are, they're still going to cause damage in the long run.

He has to trust you. If you understand that it's going to take time, that's fine; but don't expect to feel comfortable with him until that change takes place. It's a two-way street, and rare is the person who is capable of freewheeling with a significant other who's walking on eggshells around them. That's normally a sign of someone who just doesn't give a damn, and you obviously do.

Just because you expect something different out of guys doesn't mean you're always going to feel like there's a gaping hole in your sexual life- a small one, perhaps, but something that can be easily outweighed by a strong relationship. It sounds like you have the potential for that now, but it's not there, nor is it terribly close at the moment. Again I'll say that given time, your frustration should fade, but now with the caveat that it will do so as he settles down and your relationship improves. If that doesn't happen, this will likely be a consistent state of being for you.

You better hope his insecurity is not going anywhere. If he gets the confidence to give you the space you want, he is not going to put up with your immaturity. You need a wimp to take that shit.