a few months ago i met this girl online, we talked for a few hours and seemingly hit it off. late in the conversation she declared that she needed a lift to augusta as she was being evicted from her house and that she would be exceedingly greatful for a ride to augusta. as i was on the rocks with my pseudo-girlfriend, i figured i might as well give her the ride. now augusta is quite the distance from where i live so this girl had to stay at my place for the weekend until i had the time for the drive on monday. she proved to be quite the pain in the ass and stole several articles of jewelry from a friend of mine. she also, infered that she wanted our relationship (of all the words to describe it) to be more than sexual.

at any rate, i took her to augusta. when we got to her "friend's" house she revoked every kind thing she ever said about me but asked me to hang around until she knew if she had a place to live or not. i said that i would and she went inside while i pushed her shit out of my truck and went home.

i get a call about a week later from this girl. she tells me that she is living in an abandoned trailer and is freezing to death. as i still have most of her clothing, she asks if i could send her at least a coat and a sweater and if i could maybe at most come get her and let her live with me. i hung up on her; a few weeks later without any word at all from her, i assume she died of exposure.

today i got an email from her wanting her stuff back. she said she thought she saw me around town, which means she made it back to my home town. i don't want to have to actively kill her, what should i do?

Dear Piracy,

Why did you leave me at Augusta? It was so very cold there. I almost froze. I managed to pawn the jewelry I stole from your friend and give head for enough money to get clothes a ride back to your town. Please let me in your house! We were meant to live together forever!

-Crazy Bitch

PS Please introduce me to more friends with jewelry



hehehe

~mike

Restraining order. I joke not.

Give her back her shit in a busy, well-lit public place and tell her to stay the fuck away from you.

Sing her the Sam Kinison song. It goes something like this:

You LYING WHORE!

YOU USED ME!!

YOU NEVER LOVED ME!

I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN BLOOD!

DIE!

DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

quote:Originally posted by MikeTheWalrus:

Dear Piracy,

Why did you leave me at Augusta? It was so very cold there. I almost froze. I managed to pawn the jewelry I stole from your friend and give head for enough money to get clothes a ride back to your town. Please let me in your house! We were meant to live together forever!

-Crazy Bitch

PS Please introduce me to more friends with jewelry



hehehe

~mike

surprisingly accurate. i really think i'll just wait for her to show up and shoot her.

Looks like you got yourself a stone bitch. Don't never lose her.

Get a peephole in your door. Keep anything that belongs to her next to the door. If/when she comes, look through the peephole. Watch her till she leaves, then heave all her crap onto the lawn and yell profanities at her.

A good plan, isn't it? This way you get her out of your hair... legally, anyway without even having to send her explosives through the mail.

it amazes me that there are people out there that would do such a thing to someone the world truely is a fucked up place

quote:Originally posted by Dromiceius:

Get a peephole in your door. Keep anything that belongs to her next to the door. If/when she comes, look through the peephole. Watch her till she leaves, then heave all her crap onto the lawn and yell profanities at her.

A good plan, isn't it? This way you get her out of your hair... legally, anyway without even having to send her explosives through the mail.

i would, but i fed all her stuff to mikey. mikey is a giant-ass fire by the way. but something tells me she will rejoin her belongings shortly.

quote:Originally posted by deadlycindy:

Give her back her shit in a busy, well-lit public place and tell her to stay the fuck away from you.

I like this one.

I think, like a good recipe, you should take this and sprinkle it with a little of Hex's restraining order idea!

Anthrax in the sweater always makes for a crowd-pleasing gag.