This is the sequel to "The Past Month".

To have a better understanding, you might want to check out my thread in Humanities (http://www.totse.com/bbs/Forum31/HTML/001581.html). It started crossing over into relationship shit though so here it is:

I have found myself walking on eggshells. He tries my patience, it's wearing really thin. He blamed me for him sleeping with his ex girfriend. Today I had to listen to half an hour of screaming:



FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. YOU HEAR ME? YOU HEAR ME? YOU HEAR ME? YOU HEARTLESS BITCH. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU! WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOUR EX AND LET HIM CUM IN YOUR TWAT YOU DIRTY SKANK!

My response? "Calm down", "Please stop." It's like he gets pissed that I don't fight back. Then he has the audasity to say the reason he was screaming was to prove a point. He never admits that he buckles under rage. He insists he has complete control when he starts putting holes in doors and throwing cell phones at the wall..

All my friends have told me to drop him, I'm insane/nuts/crazy for staying with him. He hasn't hurt me (mostly because he CAN'T). I haven't let him in enough to be able to hurt me but how he acts scares me.

Now it's less about maintaing a relationship and more about me caring as a friend. I just want to help, I just want him to be happy.

[This message has been edited by MrMojoRisin (edited 02-12-2004).]

Anyone punching holes in doors/walls and throwing shit aound isn't in control. Your friends who tell you you're crazy to stay with him are right. And he blames you for him sleeping with his ex? Now that's rich.

Cut your losses, wish him well and find someone that has a little more respect for relationships... and keeps his dick in his pants (except when you want to play with it).

-Extant

I agree with the above person and your friends, loose the turd.

Im sure you dont need someone who punches wholes in walls, doors, and breaks cell phones. Is he retarded or does he have some mental illness?..The last person i knew who threw things around, smashed walls and doors, and swore like that was a retarded mother fucker. He is now in a mental hospital.

Seriously though, youd be doing your self a favour if you dumped him. He sounds like he needs help. Find a good phsyciatrist and recommend he goes see him/her. lol

Hmmm, run.

Please. For me.

Well m'girl what advice would you like to hear.

The truth as in leave him before he and your situation get worse, and his violence is aimed not at walls but at yourself.

Or some bullshit line about how he really loves you, but he's insecure, so he does these things not to hurt you, but to let you know that deep down he is hurting?

And if you leave him your just a hard hearted bitch.

Leave him, love hurts that's just the way it is, but time will heal the pain.

PS..Is his Happiness worth you being unhappy.

If you want to help him, leave. Now. Yeah, he's not hitting you.... Now. Who's to say what will happen with his rage if you stay? Leave, and if he wants you back in his life, demand he gets help for his anger problems. Hope this helps.

^^I concur.

In my experience, you simply can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can't make someone happy who doesn't want to be happy. You can only make yourelf happy and help yourself.

Nothing you say or do will change his mind. However complicated he is, however damaged by life he might be, however much he might have brain chemical issues does not matter. He strikes me as one of those who "takes advantage" of those willing to "accept him for who he is" so he doesn't ever feel a need to look inside himself and consider making some changes. As you said, he's "always right" and "everyone else" has the problems. That right there should tell you the futility of trying to help him.

He'll only be happy after he recovers from hitting rock bottom. With folks like you as a safety net, he isn't ever going to reach his rock bottom.

^^^ Well said...

if you are posting the story on totse then either you are really bored or his behaviour is hurting you.

i have been in a situation like this, and i stayed. Things didnt get better no matter how much i tried to fix/understand/accept things.

leave now before you become the wall.

He's been abandoned by everyone. I want him to know he has me for support. Our relationship is odd. If I was to mess around with someone else, he would be hurt and call it cheating but we're not really "together". We were going out before but we broke up when I moved out and now we're in that relationship-limbo type thing.

I wish he wasn't like this but it's not bad enough that I'd leave him completly. The things he says and does doesn't hurt me, I just think they're ridiculous. If I left him today, it wouldn't make much of a difference in my life. I don't get upset about the things he says, I do get kind of pissy that anyone would say those things to me (especially unprovoked) but I keep my cool around him most of the time.

I understand that he'll only change when he wants to, he's told me he wants to change, that he's not happy with the way his life is. I don't think he can initiate it without a little push, which is why I'm putting my time and effort into what most of you think is a waste of time.

I'm not worried about him hitting me. If he did, that would be the end of that, no questions asked.

I've told him I think he's insecure and he says he's not. But he get jealous when my male friends call me.

His unhapiness makes me frustrated. His negativity doesn't bring me down. It's just like a problem to overcome.

Again, can't argue with you Cindy. I know you're right but he knows I don't accept his flaws. The thing is, if I leave him, I don't think he'll change. He'll just keep going on being unsatisfied with his life but ignoring it by filling it with drama and chaos.

Eh, I'm not being hurt, I have been kinda bored but the reason I'm posting all this is because I want to hear what people think. This is a very complex issue to me, I'm kinda dumbfounded with this guy and I like to hear input from others. It gives me ideas and point of views that I wouldn't have come across myself. Other than that, I don't know exactly what I'm looking for by posting all this here. It does help to have it all writeen down.

Anyway, we don't live together anymore. And we only see each other an hour or so a day because of work and whatnot.

He's got me totally confused.

Stop enabling him. He has to hit rock bottom first. And, it really is not your problem. He is too insecure to allow you to help him. If you want to date a loser, I am sure you can find one that will at least be nice to you. What the hell am I saying? You are so fucking trapped it’s not funny. It is like watching a blind lady trying to cross a freeway and being too far away to save her from the truck about to smack her...

*looks away*

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:

I understand that he'll only change when he wants to, he's told me he wants to change, that he's not happy with the way his life is.

Does he understand why he's not happy? He seems to be caught in a self-defeating cycle by thinking he wants to change, yet stubbornly clings to the "I'm always right, other's suck" attitude. If you feel qualified (and from what I've seen I think you are) to dish out some tough love, tell him he needs to drop that attitude and consider that he's not always right. And if he still thinks he is, make him explain how.

quote:I've told him I think he's insecure and he says he's not.

This is why I think your quest is futile. If you tell him such things, he simply denies it. But if you'd like to help give him that "push" he needs to be a better person, tell him exactly why he's insecure, and make him articulate why he thinks he isn't.

quote:He'll just keep going on being unsatisfied with his life but ignoring it by filling it with drama and chaos.

Sounds like he'll do this with or without you. Have you told him of his tendency towards drama? How did he respond? Drama and chaos are avoidance tactics. Avoiding the real problems, that is.

quote:I don't know exactly what I'm looking for by posting all this here. It does help to have it all written down.

It does help keep your thoughts in order, and maintaining an open dialogue here might help you see possible resolutions. Everyone comes from a different angle of input.



[This message has been edited by deadlycindy (edited 02-13-2004).]

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:

His unhappiness makes me frustrated. His negativity doesn't bring me down. It's just like a problem to overcome.

And what happens if you solve the puzzle?

In theory, you would want to get back together with him, and all would be well. But look at some of the things you're saying. You're bored. What he says or does has little effect on you. Those aren't the words of someone who is beset by the issue of having someone they care for deeply flip out on them as often as he does.

Only you know exactly how you feel about this guy, but you're walking a potentially dangerous path- for him as well as you. If you stay and he doesn't change, you're wasting your time and no good comes of it. But if you figure out a way to make him happy, are you sure you'll want to stick around?

Think carefully about this. Being the cause of someone's happiness can leave you in a difficult position, because instead of having a mindset where you could leave without it affecting you much, now your conscience is going to take hold and tell you how rotten it would be to have built him back up, only to then pull his support- you- out from under him. That could leave him in even worse shape than he is now.

There's also the unfortunate factor of time. It's not like you can help him get his head together, stick around for a month, then leave him and expect him to be all right. He may be, but it's just as likely he won't. So how long will you have to stick around before he can carry on well enough so that you won't feel bad about leaving him? Can't tell.

Of course, this is solely based on the assumption that your remaining interest in him revolves as much or more around helping him than simply being with him. If you really care that much, and he does too, you can disregard this for the most part. It just doesn't sound that way to me.

I read your post in humanities too, mojo, and I've got to say you should drop this dick. You might feel for him or even love him, but you've got to look out for number one - and from what you've said, eventually it will come down to physical blows and I don't think you want to end up in a situation like that.