Seriously, I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship in my life. My parents are erratic at best in their support (I don't even talk to my dad, my mom acts as his proxy-communicator). My sisters and I aren't close at all. The few friends I do have have relationships that are based on video games and alcohol. And my past relationships with g/f's have been disasters because there was no intimacy in the relationship (because I don't like to get close to plp) and they boiled down to sex and hanging out.

What can I do to make a healthy, mutually-satisfying rel. that doesn't turn into a sexfest?

For what it's worth, there's really nothing wrong with a sex fest.

A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, a common outlook on life and a sense of humor. With those things, just about anything else can be compromised. Oh, and you have to really like each other and be attracted to each other. (duh!)

May I ask your age? It took me until I hit my 30s to find and maintain a healthy relationship. After a dozen or so "okay" to "disastrous" relationships, I've learned what works and what doesn't, but it still doesn't mean I can spell out all the ins and outs of creating a healthy relationship that would apply to all people.

Having parents who have a healthy, loving relationship with each other is a major advantage. Good role models give a person a sense of stability and security. My bf has this, and I'm learning from it.

I'm 21, so still pretty young, I think.

I concur that there's nothing wrong with lots o' the ole in-and-out but I would like a relationship where I can actually feel like I trust the other person. A big part of that problem is I don't like to open myself up to people (except for counselors and occasionally on an internet forum, if I'm depressed enough or drunk.) I prefer to keep to myself and listen to the other person respectfully without giving them much info in return. So I try to make a two way rel. into a one way street, which always ends up really crappy and hollow feeling.

I'm suprised it took you so long to do that cindy, or more like that seems like a long time to me. Nine years is a long time to go. I'm especially suprised after reading many of your replies to other posters, which often answer questions insightfully.

quote: Having parents who have a healthy, loving relationship with each other is a major advantage. Good role models give a person a sense of stability and security. My bf has this, and I'm learning from it.

Don't know what I want to say to that. My parents just aren't great role models, so I have to parent myself.

Doesn't matter what kind of role models your parents or responsible figures are/were. If you're a smart person you either learn from people's good examples: what to do, or you learn from their poor examples: what not to do.

My parents are disorganized, messy, sometimes even slovenly packrats. Their house is in constant utter chaos. On the flip-side, I am a neatfreak, my living space is clean and organized 85% of the time. This is an example of learning from their mistakes.

People who hold their guardians responsible for the way they turn out are only kidding themselves.

The primary elements of a healthy relationship are the right two people. Step 1: meet the right girl, and build on it from there.

Make yourself a list of all of the qualities you look for in a long-term partner. Then, ignore anyone who doesn't meet your set standards. When you DO meet a girl that measures up don't blow it by being a pansy-ass. Fear of commitment gets you nowhere. , No fear no beer, no pain no gain. So what if you get close and get hurt a few times, that's life. It's better than never even taking the risks that sometimes (if you're incredibly lucky) result in a healthy and meaningful relationship with someone.

You might think that it's easy for someone to schpeal off that whole "Tis better to have loved and lost" bullshit when they haven't been hurt, but I've recently had my world destroyed by someone I love very much because I took those risks, and I'd do it all over again if the odds were the same.

[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 02-09-2004).]