As this isn’t the first serious relationship my girlfriend and I have been in, we each bring several lessons from the past. Apparently one she learned was not to be totally dependant on each other—for in case of breaking up, it’s like your world melted.

Ten months into our relationship she decided it would be a good idea to rekindle some friendships that she neglected/abandoned/forgot about. (Never in my life [starting with pre-school aged, at least] have I kept more than one best friend [or girlfriend] at a time. I didn’t like competing for friendships, the “third-wheel” effect, shit like that.) So as the first weeks of ’04 she became noticeably close to two of her old (guy) friends. Their idea of a good time is basically getting smashed and playing pool or some board game. My girlfriend is in high school (as are her friends) and I’m living at college a half-hour away.

The way our relationship had worked thus far was that I would come home nearly every weekend (excepting when one of us was uncommonly busy) and see her as much as possible. As of a few weeks ago she decided the weekend was a perfect time to see her friends… although she sees them a few times a week she protests that she can “really only hang out with them for any amount of time” on weekends. Last weekend she said she would rather just come visit me for a couple hours on Friday, and that way she could see her friends Friday and Saturday nights (usually reserved to me). I came home for various family-related reasons. So I saw her Friday night (after she was done hanging out with the boys, after dinner). Saturday night I went down to CCSU to see an old friend of mine that I hadn’t been talking to very much since high school because she wanted to see her friends and I thought it was better to try and keep a friend or two to take my mind off not being whom she wanted to see. (She got drunk and apparently close to alcohol poisoning, throwing up over a dozen times.) And Super-Bowl Sunday I went to her house for the game, I think because her friends were at a party she didn’t want to go to, and watch the game with her parents and her (in a pathetic, hung-over, sickly state).

I’ve been mountingly miserable over this. Tonight when she nagged me into bringing it up again I explained the feeling of worthlessness gained from feeling like there are several who share my place, and the feeling of neglect spurned from… being neglected. When I brought up this past weekend in my defense (Why wasn’t she content to see her friends for a few hours on Friday, and me the rest, etc.) she said something like “because when I’m with my friends we’re actually doing stuff” instead of lying around (which is mostly what we do, but once she expressed she was discontent with it we started playing games and such). I was tired of being contradicted by this time and figured she was beyond talking to. She had been pinning me to “so you’re upset because I want to spend time with my friends,” refusing to hear what I was trying to explain.

I’m not sure how to handle this; I’m having real trouble coping with her choosing her friends over me. I trust her around her friends, but natural paranoia occasionally lingers.

Further, she has placed talks about how we need to spend less time together, because she’ll be going to school in the fall (probably Notre Dame or LSU, or somewhere where she will only be home for vacations). I was more enjoying the “enjoy it whilst it lasts” and believe that conditioning is stupid technique to try and use in this case. I cannot shake the idea of her branching out being part of a self-preservatory device, that she is detaching herself. Any light would be greeted with a hug.

quote:Originally posted by Sagewisher3:

I’m not sure how to handle this; I’m having real trouble coping with her choosing her friends over me. I trust her around her friends, but natural paranoia occasionally lingers.

...I was more enjoying the “enjoy it whilst it lasts” and believe that conditioning is stupid technique to try and use in this case. I cannot shake the idea of her branching out being part of a self-preservatory device, that she is detaching herself.

Try not to take this so personally. She needs to do what's best for her; the fact that it hurts you is an unfortunate side effect. You might feel "rejected" but it is likely she was already feeling "rejected."

When you went away to college, she had to accept the only time you could give her--the weekends. But maybe she wanted/needed more than that. The reasons you couldn't give more are valid (you were away) but still, she has to deal with your absence.

She's reasonable in that it seems she doesn't see any long-term future for the two of you, which is appropriate. The "enjoy it while it lasts" thing works for you, but it doesn't work for her. She doesn't just want to sit around helplessly while things fizzle out; she wants to be proactive and call her own shots in life. Which is also appropriate.

This is one of those situations where there's no "bad guy" and no one "screwed up." This is just the way things are.

So because she needs more time with him she starts replacing the time that she could be spending with him with time with some guys friend? And that's logical how?

You see her rarely enough as it is. It is understandable for her to hang out with other people when you can't be around; but when a chick starts leaving you hanging to go hang out with some other guys (and I'm not takling about the occasional "catch up with old friend" session) it's a bad sign. Trust me, I know.

Since neither of you see a relationship with eachother in your future, I'd suggest you just break up. Otherwise, until you have to break up (or she breaks up with you), you will be going through hell. You'll just be dragged through the mud until she decides that a relationship with someone else would be more fufilling (if she hasn't already) that one with you. Just let go of the bumper man.

^^I do see that point, though somehow it doesn't seem fair that she has to make herself available "just because he's available." I've been in such relationships, and the presumption that I'd be available when he finally had the time for me was annoying.

This was also unfair to my other friends. Weekends are "prime time" and it's sensible that some of this time be reserved for friends who are there for you on a daily basis.

Ok, I put myself in her shoes and if I were her I would be seeking out the companionship of my friends over yours because they are more intersting. It sounds like she wants a whole lot more than just laying around or playing games. You're not offering her enough, not even as much as her buddies do.

You probably come home on the weekends worn out from Uni, understandable. But you have to consider that highschool is a whole lot easier, she still essentially has the lifestyle of a kid.

She sounds very independant, so instead of nagging you to be the life of the party or dragging you around with her to places you probably don't want to go to do things you probably don't want to do, she's just going out and entertaining herself.

Ask yourself, would you rather attempt to keep up with her, or would you rather learn to be happy with her going out without you and meeting her own social needs?

Also consider, you not being able to keep up may eventually doom the relationship. It could be the beginning of the end, and you may be better off gently letting go rather than fighting the inevitable. This kind of scenario is the main reason why most highschool relationships don't survive long into the college years. Sad, but true.

I might ask, why aren't you welcome to hang out with her and her friends? Do you guys not get along or something?

[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 02-05-2004).]

Real familiar to me, because for about three or four months i was crazy for this girl who barely paid any attention to me. Slowly she kept avoiding things i wanted to do to be with friends she saw all the time at school. She always found a way to make herself seem right. I was always obediently listening and waiting... those were the worst months of my life. Trust me when i say this, there are many better women out there who actually give a fuck. Don't let your whole world die because some chick thinks neglecting her boyfriend is the right thing to do.

I understand your side of it, you want to see your girlfriend when you can, but when she says she wants to see her friends on the weekends you have to understand that there is more to her life than you. Why don't you propose a compromise, something to the effect of spending friday/friday night with her, or friday/saturday night, so that you can see her more but she still has the freedom to see her friends.

This reminds me of the my girlfriend now, we were both a few months out of long term relationships that turned to shite and dragged on and on. Hers in particular, her old boyfriend, one of my good friends, used to be uber clingy so for the period of about a year she almost never saw any of her other friends. Everyone in a relationship wants to be with their partner but because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean you should neglect your friends.

Personally i would advise shooting for a compromise and getting together with some friends irrespective of what you do because having only your girlfriend as a friend just isn't a healthy social choice, especially when you know it's going to end and then you have no one to talk to because you alienated yourself from everyone.

good luck my friend

I see your point cindy. Maybe he can just grow a pair and start getting out more. But either way you cut it, they are going to grow apart until either they break up, or they just drift apart (slow and uncertain form of breaking up).

I say break it off before it becomes just one continual pain in the ass.

The first thing I wondered when I read this was, why don't you hang out with her and her friends? It can be as simple as you don't get on well with them, but I've seen nothing definitive about it, so the question still stands. Given an entire weekend, I'm sure you would still get your alone time.

Of course, this assumes she'd be willing to go for that, which would mean Cindy is wrong about the idea she's protecting herself by drawing away from you. I don't like my odds on that. But if you were to try this and she still blew you off, it would rather crystallize the fact that you might as well call it quits now.

I’ll start of with a couple corrections, or rather things I didn’t specify (clearly) to begin with.

We started dating while I was in college.

quote: …she doesn't see any long-term future for the two of you, which is appropriate. The "enjoy it while it lasts" thing works for you, but it doesn't work for her. She doesn't just want to sit around helplessly while things fizzle out…. When I said “enjoy it whilst it lasts” I was referring to the amount of time we can see each other. I wasn’t’ suggesting that once she leaves the relationship is over; neither of us want it to be or plan it to be that way—as far as I know.

quote: I might ask, why aren't you welcome to hang out with her and her friends? Do you guys not get along or something? I’m not invited; according to her, I wouldn’t like her friends. Of course I can’t know whether I would like them as I’ve never even met one of them, and the last time I saw the other is when we were on swim team together, seven years ago. I don’t doubt that I wouldn’t like them. They seem like typical jerk-off teens, their favorite activity is getting trashed.

I think the truth is probably that she is keeping her worlds separate. My guess is she acts affectionately with her friends, as she now tells several of her friends she loves them (something that started less than a week ago), and that I would be (rightfully) offended by their drunken attempts at luring her into a fuck, and things of that nature.

--

quote: You might feel "rejected" but it is likely she was already feeling "rejected." I think what she was feeling was entrapment.

In reply to deadlycindy’s second reply:

If you were able to see the friends that were “there for you on a daily basis” after school a few (or several) times a week would you really be inclined to see them for most (if not all) of the weekend instead of he whom you were in love with?

I understand that the weekends are “prime time” and that she can see her friends for longer amounts of time, and that they’re more agreeable as drinking nights for her. But if I was in competition at all for her interest that most (or even all) of the available time for seeing me would not be set aside for seeing them.

quote: Ok, I put myself in her shoes and if I were her I would be seeking out the companionship of my friends over yours because they are more intersting. It sounds like she wants a whole lot more than just laying around or playing games. You're not offering her enough, not even as much as her buddies do. That is very much part of the problem, but I can’t figure out exactly how. She just sits around and plays games or watches tv with her friends, it’s all they ever do (besides drink). All I can gather is that I am less fun to hang out with than then, which she denies.

(Also: Thanks The Misfit, I think I will probably end up attempting your advice in some way.)



[This message has been edited by Sagewisher3 (edited 02-05-2004).]

I doubt she has any idea how this is really affecting you, or else she would (hopefully) have dumped you already. But it sounds pretty much over. If you tell her all this and that you think it's time you guys are through, she might realize she's taken you for granted and say, nonono, wait, I'll spend more time with you, etc., and it'll work for awhile, but she'll end up doing the same thing again. If you're lucky, it'll last until she goes away to college.

Look forward, man.