Remember that New Year's thread? I posted that I didn't get fucked up and I didn't get laid and all I did was talk for 8 hours.

That's where it starts. Well sorta, let me back up.

My best friend and I left to go to a mutual friend's house. He was roommates with this guy Ted. Ted was great, he was flirting and he was funny. However, I was digging his roommate so I didn't really pay too much attention.

The next week or 2 I was spending time over there a lot. I liked the people and it was a pretty chill atmosphere. My feelings for the roommate subsuded, he ended up being really dumb.

The day before New Year's, Ted invited me to go to a party with him and I said yes. We went to the party and we started off the New Year perfect. Two days later we were together. I didn't know him too well, and that made me uncomfortable.

We had a lot of converstaions about how I thought we were moving WAY too fast. Emotionally, I couldn't keep up. He was saying he was in love with me and I was struggling to figure out if I could trust him. He reassured me I was ready and things would be fine.

For the next two weeks I rearranged my schedule so I could see him. There wasn't one day we went without seeing each other. I wasn't getting nearly enough sleep but that was okay, I just wanted to be with him.

We solved that problem by moving in together. We moved all my shit into his house. That's when things got bad. I started taking him for granted. All of a sudden I was being annoyed by all the people that were there and their messes. Things between Ted and I were ok but there was some straining going on.

I guess I fucked up good last weekend because we've spent the past 7 days fighting. I'm not emotional enough, he hates my sarcasm, I'm not affectionate enough. Today I moved out.

My initial reaction to moving out was "I'm not talking to him anymore". But I really do care for him and neither of us are shallow or stupid when it comes to dating. He just got out of a 3 year relationship and I just ended a 2 year relationship. We're past rebounds and are really into each other. I think the major downfalls were 1)We don't know enough about each other. 2)We moved too fast. 3)By living together, we never missed each other.

The last one, is what makes relationships develop in the beginning. Remember when you first started going out with b/f or g/f you missed them when they weren't around. That absence made you appreciate when they were around.

Anyway, he's perfect for me. I have seen house fucked up he can be and that still doesn't push me away. We've been horrible to each other the past few days and tonight he STILL told me he loves me.

So where do I go? I recognize that I have to work on emotional intelligence, my sarcasm, my apathy in a realtionship. Those were the destroyers of my last relationship. Do I while I'm single? These things only come out when I'm in a serious relationship. Should I deal with them as they come?

He's getting fed up and I don't blame him. I don't know if I'd want to put the effort into some crazy bitch who can't get her head straight. Anyway we're apart now and agreed that it's better we consider ourselves "broken up" after this.

He wants to start all over again, just be friends for awhile and see where it goes from there. That's all fine and dandy but what I'm I going to do about my apathy? How do extricate that from my personality? It's defense mechanism, I know. I do it when I think I'm getting too close.

Any psychologists out there?

Well, if I recall correctly, your last relationship ended within the past six months, yes? It's possible you're not yet ready for another relationship.

And, you didn't know Ted too well, and it seems you got too close, too fast.

Then, you moved in with him and got annoyed at the status quo in his home.

All these things would challenge even a person who didn't believe she has the "issues" you believe you have. Emotional intelligence? What's that? Sarcasm? Some appreciate this quality; why should you change? Relationship apathy? Again...what's that? Too much psychobabble and not enough common sense.

I guess the bottom line is that both you and Ted weren't ready for this relationship. No one "failed."

Too much, too fast. Like cindy put it so well, no one failed. Perhpas taking some time off will determine if what you two had will come again, like he's suggesting. Perhaps you two can come to some understaning upon how fast to take a future relationship.

Just like the above two... too much, too fast. You both need time to get to know eachother, to start to miss eachother, and fall in love. What you fell into is lust, and when lust is acted upon, it causes nothing but problems.

The "friends for a while" thing is a good idea. It'll give you enough space, and time to get acquainted properly. Good luck with it.

The mental and emotional attraction totally over ruled the physical attraction. We're both attractive people but what drew me to him was his personality, who he is. Lust isn't (wasn't) the problem.

My last relationship ended a little over 6 months. Being ready for a new one, isn't the problems either. I'm totally over my ex. I did take it really hard when we split but we were ticking time bomb and I expecting it to happen for a while. I have no ex issues.

Emotional intelligence, I guess maturity. It's hard to explain. Sarcasm, no, my sarcasm is mean. The things I say I really horrible and fucked up and I only use it around my boyfriends. Most of the people that know me never see that part of me.

As far as apathy, I had no emotions around him good or bad. My famous words around him are "ok" and "whatever" I didn't show that I cared or was concerned. Being apathetic helps me not get worried about things and keeps my chi even which is why I've been doing it for a while. It worked while I was solo but it was a major wrench in our relationship.

Common sense, I was having common sense, I told him this was too fast but he talked me into it. To clarify: He's a salesman and he's REALLY good at it, like the best at his office, me being the free spirit "Whatever" type went along with it because it seemed to me he knew what he was doing.

Before we even start thinking about having another relationship, I feel I HAVE to work out these problems. They were the reason my last relationship failed. Obviousl it isn't the guys, it's me. Relationships take compromise and I think it's something I should work out if it'll help a future relationship.

I was going to e-mail you to see what was going on... wish I had. :\ Sorry.

You sound... eh.. for lack of a better word, scared. Scared of what, I don't know. You enjoy the regular companionship of a relationship, but you don't want to get too close. The question is, why? Some people fear the idea of real, permanent commitment, which is what we've been trained to see relationships as, even if we know intellectually that's not realistic. Some people who haven't had the best home lives or, especially, had parents that didn't get along that well can get skittish because they don't want the same thing to happen to them. For others, it just never feels quite right.

If you've done this from day one with all your boyfriends, I'm not sure you're ready for a relationship at all, with anybody. You've been in them, and you have the knowledge of what goes into one, but that doesn't mean your maturity level is high enough to take advantage of what's in your head (which you seem to think already).

That's not quite what it sounds like, though. You said it didn't happen immediately with Ted (by the way, what kind of a fucking name is Ted?), and, although you didn't specify, I doubt it happened this way with your last boyfriend either. Something is triggering this in your head. If it happened when you moved in with this guy, that would certainly suggest you start to break down once things reach a certain level of seriousness, regardless of the fact you two definitely went way too fast.

What really sucks about this is that there's nothing that can get you ready for it besides time and patience. Being in a relationship may help, if you're with a guy that can withstand the shit you do and not fire back in kind or say the hell with it. It could also hurt, if you find yourself in a situation like this one, where the apathy and the nasty sarcasm cause definite negative effects. But if you forego them altogether until you're sure you're ready, how can you ever know when that time comes?

You're lucky enough to be a girl that can pull a guy whenever she feels the need, but you can't let that turn into a negative. You were on the right track when you said that a relationship works in its initial stages in part due to the fact that the people aren't always together, and thus have time to miss each other. You haven't had a real boyfriend in six months, but you've still gone out on the town, checked things out, hit it now and again. In short, you haven't given yourself a chance to miss guys as a whole.

If you think you're getting the idea of what I'm saying, you're right. I honestly believe you may need to take a step back and, hard as it may be, reach a point where you can exist without guys. Seriously, when was the last time you had any significant period where you weren't involved, getting laid, checking someone out, had someone checking you out (that you noticed enough for it to stick in your head), or thinking about how badly you needed to get some?

I think part of you wants to be with someone, but the other part wants to be able to say to a guy, "I don't *need* you." No one's going to care about that besides your boyfriends, though, so those are the ones who catch that half of your personality. The problem with feeling the need to prove something to someone, though, is that it means you really haven't proven it to yourself. When you have 100% confidence in your ability to do something- anything- you lose the *need* to show everyone else you can do it. You may still want to, you may still enjoy it, but without that need, it's controllable. That's not a point you're at right now. That means you have to prove to yourself that you can manage without guys, without companionship, on your own in a way that I don't think you've experienced in a long time, if ever.

What do you need to do? I don't know. How can it be accomplished? I don't know. How long will it take? I don't know. Is it worth it? I think so, but that's a decision of each of us has to make on our own. The more involved you are with the opposite sex, the harder it is to disentangle yourself from them, even if every fiber of your being says it's for the best. That's not a problem I've ever really had, so I dare not assume how difficult it might be- just how necessary.

I know there's a strong pull to get out and do shit while you can. Still... remember, you might die tomorrow, but you probably won't. There's nothing wrong with going and enjoying yourself now, while you're young, but it's worth it to keep an eye on the future, because chances are you've got a lot of life remaining. If you can devote yourself to something that will improve you dramatically, regardless of how long the road is, you may find that it's still just a fraction of the time you spend reaping the rewards of your actions.

But to each their own. If I'm even mostly correct with this, it would seem you have some decisions to make in regards to what you want to make of yourself. And if I'm mostly wrong, then I'm just a long-winded asshole. Sorry for wasting your time.

I'm not scared of commitment, if anything, I'm scared to get close because I don't want to be hurt. Ted has a very intense personality and a hard exterior. For that reason, I've backed off being soft and affectionate even though I know he's mushy inside. It's unsettling, especially that he still has to show me that front even though he's professed his love for me.

This is defintely the fastest paced relationship I've ever been in and I've told myself over and over to go slow. Of course, I don't listen to myself. Maturity, eh, a lack of concentration as far as seperating and disecting everyting I know. I let it stay a muddled mess in my head and don't figure things out even though I have the tools. I think it's emotional and mental laziness - immaturity maybe?

I (still) don't recognize when I started to "break down". I just repeated what he said when I said "It started when I moved in". He started complaining about my ambivalence etc etc and how he wanted emotion from me last weekend. That's what started the fighting.

I do have emotions, I just leave myself to deal with them because I don't want to start a fight. A fight I know I'll regret later. It's avoiding confrontation. Trying to sift through emotions and only show the good is a hard thing to do so I end up holding everything back. I think it's a mixture of a defense mechanism and something to kep me even-tempered. Supposedly, he doesn't want this, so now I have to change. He hasn't reacted well at all towards my choice of coping skills concerning everyday life.

The ideal situation would be Ted pointing out every time I get sarcastic(or whatever flaw there is to get rid of that day). That way I would have examples and be able to catch them myself and ultimately get it out of my system and fix it permanently. I do admit, there is a problem(s) and I'd like to work it(them) out.

Miss guys as a whole. *Taking notes*

I'd have to be a damn hermit. I have to admit, it has been a while since I've been away from males like that, only because I never saw a reason to get myself away from sexually charged situations, I love them. (I guess I have a good reason now?) But you're right that bathing in sexual energy all the time will weaken the appreciation for a real relationship. Damn, you're good Spiff.

It's hard to admit, but you're right. That's going to be a major sacrifice for my life. I'm very hedonistic and I do everything for the pleasure of the present..

Now I gotta work on my ability to accept the "work now, play later" philosophy. This sucks. Thanks Spiffy.

[This message has been edited by MrMojoRisin (edited 02-03-2004).]

Urgh. Gays.....

^^Odd random comment that has nothing to do with this thread!

In case you're assuming what I assume you're assuming, Mojo is a woman. "MrMojoRisin" is from the door's song "LA Woman" and is an anagram of Jim Morrison. FYI.

I'm a female.

I love how I make these threads and the *ahem* "new" people think I'm a guy. They read it from a male perspective and bitch about gay people.

It's funny.

What's funnier though, is a male actually having the Jim Morrison acronym(is it anagram?) as a handle, it'd be like a weird music obsession. "I am Jim, man".

Ok, I'm done.

[This message has been edited by MrMojoRisin (edited 02-03-2004).]