I just got off the phone with my mother, she is an emotional wreck. Her and her boyfriend have been together for 4 years, following the seperation of him and his wife. Through out their relationship he has lied to her, taken advantage of her, and seriously hurt her emotionally.

She actually called to tell me today that last night she was over his house, and he went to take a shower. So she was just sitting around doing nothing really and she saw a book and innocently opened up to see that it was a journal of his... She read the first page, it was dated June of last year. In it he wrote of how on many occaisons he had thought of ending their relationship and getting back together with his ex-wife. She didn't read any more than that one page.

She is crushed, he had lied to her all along. He had told her there was nothing between them and he only wanted to be with her. June of last year was over two years into their relationship and he was thinking of getting back together with his ex wife. She doesn't know what to do, she can't tell him she read it but she can't go along being upset all the time. I couldn't come up with an answer.

My mother has always really relied on me for a shoulder to cry on and brutally honest advice. I can't even count how many times he has taken advantage of her, I can't even count how many times I have had to hold her when she is crying because of him, I can't count how many times he has lied to her. I want her to get out of this relationship, but she loves him and somehow it always ends up the same in the end. With an apology and some flowers. She is a sucker for that romantic shit.

All she can think of is what he has been doing with his ex all along, how many times he had told her he loved her. Although then she can only think of the what if's. She says, what if he is finally over her, what if there was more to it, what if he is finally ready to persue this relationship more seriously. I don't know what to tell her to do. I know if she approaches him about the journal he will accuse her of being nosey and not trusting him, in which the whole situation would be turned around to be her fault.

Then again I keep trying to tell her that him lying to her could never compare to reading one page of a journal that was left out. I am concerned that he left that journal out on purpose, I mean who would honestly leave something out like that? Unless to intentionally hurt my mother. I don't know how to make her feel better, and neither I or her know what to do about the situation.

Seeing as she is plagued with these thoughts of what if? She said she wants to forget about it, but she feels like she can't be around him. I don't want this to hurt her forever but I don't know what to tell her either.

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry about the length as well I just wanted to make sure the situation was clear.

This guy seems like a manipulative, using, lying little bitch.

No offense.

I'd say as hard as it is, get out of it. It's better to better to be alone than to be getting your ass used by the person you say "i love you" to at night.(some people will disagree with me on this) Sorry i couldn't be more helpful.

~ES

Just because he wrote about it in his journal doesn't mean that he acted out on his feelings. He could have been through an extremely rough divorce, and of course you cant just forget about someone you have been married to. Truthfully, however, the fact that he would even leave this out is disgraceful. You are right in saying that people dont just leave journals (especially 2 year old journals) lying out. He seems like a very destructive partner.



I know you have most likely tried to, but you need to explain to her how destructive of a relationsihp that is. Not just his thoughts of his ex wife, but also the other times he has hurt her and taken advantage of her. I have been through a slightly similar ordeal with my mother (sans the journal act). No matter what you tell her, you are still her child, and you "dont know what their relationship is like". You need to be adamant about how destructive the relationship is to get through. If she brings up the "what if he's ready to persue our relationship" factor, explain to her that a man who hurts and uses women IS NOT by any means ready for a serious relationship.

Try to show her that she can do better and she can do without him. If she is staying in this relationship, she probably doesn't feel that she is worthy of leaving him, and you will have to build her confidence in order to get her to leave. Tell her about how pretty/smart/funny/kind etc. she is.

Given that you seem to really care about your mother (I think that is fabulous by the way) , I am sure that you are going to be there for her to lean on. There is a good chance that she is probably feeling that she is not as good of a partner as his ex wife etc. and that can really tear people up. Make sure to stop her from getting caught up in those lies.

That's just, wow. I'd tell her just to leave, far, far away.



Shek

Just because she blindly followed after him for however long doesn't mean he's obligated to keep his eyes on one place.

His journal is private. Your mother should have never opened it in the first place. Raping his mind is just as bad as him using her. Fact is, he felt unsure of what he should do. He can't talk to her about it, obviously, and he can't talk to his buddies...the guy is allowed to be indecisive. If anything, you should use the journal as a wakeup call, or a bridge to convince her to end it with this guy.

But asking her to dump the guy on the sole basis that she was nosey is kind of wrong.

And has been said, it's impossible to gauge a man based on one page he writes in his journal. Perhaps his day was extra emotional...or down, or something.

Throw out the journal entry, because as much as it affects the emotions, its accuracy is up for debate. Instead, focus on what he has actually done to her.

That's your best bet.

If it were me, I would tell the guy the truth--that I nosed in his journal and read some things that upset me.

Here, a hierarchy applies. The info found is more of an issue than the invasion of privacy. He left the damn thing out.

She can't keep this inside. The damage is done, and the only direction to move is forward. He'll either be contrite and explain himself as best as he can, or he'll show what an ass he can be. If he chooses to focus on the "why did you invade my privacy" stuff, then his priorities are screwed up as far as relationship issues go. To him, it is more important to hide this issue that affects your mom, than being straight with her.

I expect many will disagree with me, but the only other option is for her to allow this info to fester inside her, which isn't good.

Thanks guys, I have taken all the responses into consideration... Of coarse I am only a teenager though so I don't quite understand the relationship, but I mean I have been there through it all and I solely want the best for my mother. So I am going to bounce a couple of these idea's off of her.

Good luck!

quote:Originally posted by JesusTookMyBike123:

Thanks guys, I have taken all the responses into consideration... Of coarse I am only a teenager though so I don't quite understand the relationship, but I mean I have been there through it all and I solely want the best for my mother. So I am going to bounce a couple of these idea's off of her.

It sounds like you understand it better than you're giving yourself credit for.

If push comes to shove, and there's no other way... you could simply stop being her shoulder to cry on. It would be extremely harsh, and probably harmful, to cut off contact with her until she figures things out (although it could work in some cases). On the other hand, remaining close with her while saying, "Don't talk to me about him, don't say a word about him, I don't want to even hear his name," is more likely to make her feel she can still go to you when- if- she's done with him, while taking away the emotional crutch she uses to shuffle through life with this fucker.

If you were to do this, it'd have to be 100%. If she's going to stay with him after all the shit he's done, after all the times she's made him cry, she has to do it on her own- tell her that. Don't even visit unless he's not there. Even if you know something big is bubbling under the surface, only under the most exceptional circumstances would you let her spill to you.

It's a hard thing to do, and nothing's guaranteed. You could very well have to make the call that it's only getting worse and find another way. But it works with a lot of people.

quote:Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:

It sounds like you understand it better than you're giving yourself credit for.

If push comes to shove, and there's no other way... you could simply stop being her shoulder to cry on. It would be extremely harsh, and probably harmful, to cut off contact with her until she figures things out (although it could work in some cases). On the other hand, remaining close with her while saying, "Don't talk to me about him, don't say a word about him, I don't want to even hear his name," is more likely to make her feel she can still go to you when- if- she's done with him, while taking away the emotional crutch she uses to shuffle through life with this fucker.

If you were to do this, it'd have to be 100%. If she's going to stay with him after all the shit he's done, after all the times she's made him cry, she has to do it on her own- tell her that. Don't even visit unless he's not there. Even if you know something big is bubbling under the surface, only under the most exceptional circumstances would you let her spill to you.

It's a hard thing to do, and nothing's guaranteed. You could very well have to make the call that it's only getting worse and find another way. But it works with a lot of people.



She wouldn't be able to handle that, if her boyfriend and kids cannot stand each other she would always put her children first. So if I stopped visiting when he was around I could only see this as making the situation worse (I may see it as better but I don't want to put myself in the middle of this, I won't let myself be used an an excuse). Although trying to make her more independent might work. I would just have to go about doing it differently.

quote:Originally posted by JesusTookMyBike123:



She wouldn't be able to handle that, if her boyfriend and kids cannot stand each other she would always put her children first. So if I stopped visiting when he was around I could only see this as making the situation worse (I may see it as better but I don't want to put myself in the middle of this, I won't let myself be used an an excuse). Although trying to make her more independent might work. I would just have to go about doing it differently.

Well then... what about openly displaying your disdain for him? Some guys are careful about not doing the shit you say he does around others, some aren't. If you jumped on any good reason to blast him for mistreatment of your mother, you would show you're not going to get along with him, which should lead to the end result you want.

Of course, that would need to be done properly. It's easy to make it too obvious you're trying to pick fights. But from what you're saying, something along these lines could work.