This girl and I have dated on and off for about two years. Mostly on, really, we lived together for about a year. Anyway, we've been apart for a few months now, and we've been talking again lately. The major issue behind us breaking up was drugs. Personally, I see nothing wrong with doing as many drugs as you want, as long as you still take care of whatever shit you have to do and don't start fucking up. But for her, drugs are inherently bad. She can't stand much more than grass.

Anyway, the question is: Do I give up something that I feel is perfectly fine for love? There's other things involved too, but this seems to be causing the majoriy of the trouble. It drove me crazy in the past to be unable to do something that I felt was completely innocent. I just have to wonder sometimes, "where's her sense of curiosity?" Anyway, anyone been in a similiar situation, what did you do, and how did it work out?

Ive been in several relationships that have split due to my drug use and all. I am of the opinion that some people do and some dont do at all! Those that dont are never going to come around and think that anythhing outside their own litle mindset is acceptable be that drugs drink or just about anything really! If I loved the girl hough I would give it up! I mean my g/f knows I have a drug history but doesnt agree with using them at all1 She knows its behind me now so thats ok but if I was still using and she was against that, well Id give up in a heartbeat because of how much I love her.

She should accept your drug use to a point where it begins to interfere in a negative way in her life... and that also means your life because when you're with someone your life tends to have a pretty big impact on theirs. She has the choice of whether or not to remain with you even though you use, but she doesn't have a choice of whether or not you use.

If you give it up without being asked, just because you know it bothers someone you love, then good for you. But the decision is completely yours.

If you actually do manage to keep things under control (especially your temperment, are you on an even emotional keel when you're using?) then I don't see any reason for her to complain, but keep in mind that your perception may be skewed. She may be able to see an oncoming problem before you do, this doesn't mean she's out to ruin your fun, she just cares.

I used to be uncomfortable with the fact that my partner liked to drink. Mine was an opinion formed of inexperience and naivety. Once I tried it out for myself, and spent time with him while he was out drinking a few times I recognized that he was in control, and that I didn't need to worry about it. Perhaps you need to include her more, have her around when you're all fucked up. If things really are 'ok' as you say they are then she'll recognize that and will be able to relax some.

Love will make you happier than drugs, my friend.



Peace.

How much can you compromise? As much as it takes. quit the shit.

Even though you may not see it, drugs will fuck up your life. If this is a nice girl and she wants to leave you because you're doing drugs, then that would be a good example of how drugs are already starting to fuck things up for you.

You'll quit drugs only when/if you want to and are ready. You may choose to give them up for love, but I suspect you'll eventually resent it.

I resent the "drugs are inherently bad" attitude that some people have. It's just not reasonable. And much of this attitude comes from what people are told as opposed to what they've experienced.

Responsible drug users aren't nearly as "publicized" as "irresponsible" users. That is the fault of the media and government. But it's also because those who use drugs responsibly tend to keep it to themselves, so the statistic can't be known or calculated.

Love is fabulous, true, but so are drugs. I'd say let this woman go, 'cause once you're free you'll eventually meet the "right" woman who understands you better, or is at least willing to keep an open mind.

If she has the power to make you quit drugs, it could be the beginning of more shot-calling on her part.

you shouldnt have to compromise, you should be with someone who actually likes the same shit you do.

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

If you actually do manage to keep things under control (especially your temperment, are you on an even emotional keel when you're using?) then I don't see any reason for her to complain, but keep in mind that your perception may be skewed.

The only time I've ever had a problem with my temper in relation to substances was when when I tried to quit smoking grass and started drinking a couple fifths of Jager a week instead. So you would think she would prefer drugs over alcohol...

I'm suprised about the different answers I got back on this. I'm curious: to the people who said "fuck the drugs", do you use drugs? Or have you ever had a partner that did? I'm not questioning your answers, I'm just trying to get a better grip on where you're coming from.

Generally, when asked why she hates drugs, she replies that she "doesn't want to be a 'druggie'". God I hate fuckin' labels...



[This message has been edited by DOCTORGONZO409 (edited 01-28-2004).]

Ask yourself this question.

Why is she dating you if she wants to change you?

Even if she thinks "it's for your own good." As long as your drug use isn't causing severe emotional problems, financial problems, or you're developing a dependency on whatever you're using, she should just let it be.

Here are my thoughts on this;

Fuck the government and their laws (but be ready to pay the consequences for getting caught), fuck friends who want to judge you, unless your use is hurting them against their will (and I don't refer to emotionally.. that's their issue), and when it comes to family, weigh out the effects it has on them verses your need/want for continuing to use and make the call (it's your life).

As for the girlfriend, if she can't tolerate being around you on drugs then get another girlfriend or quit using.. whichever is more important to you]. My opinion, if you really like this girl and care a lot about her, she's worth more than the drugs will ever bring as far as fullfillment in life. Again, it's what is important to you.

Since you asked, no, I don't use drugs except my beer. Hasn't always been that way, used most all of the popular ones during my life at some point and meth way too much, including prison time twice for manuf. the shit. Was it worth it? I have to say there were good times but no, I let it go too far to include ruining family relationships, loss of freedom, erratic job performance (leading to no job), and generally sinking to the lowest of lows, financially, morally and emotionally.

I've said more than I planned on saying but let me leave you with this impression.. a good girl is worth more than any drugs, and if the drugs are that important to you find a user so you'll be compatible. Good luck whichever way you go...

-Extant

What you do has to be done for you as much as for her. If you solely quit drugs to make her happy, it'll never last. If, however, you quit because you believe you're better off in the long run without them, that's much easier to pull off.

This is as much of a compromise as you can reasonably ask of someone: Tell them that they'll never know you do anything, because you'll only do it when you know they won't be around to see it. Obviously, them "not knowing" isn't literal. If she doesn't like the way you are when drinking or doing any drugs, that's one thing- you are having an effect on her if your behavior is chemically altered in her presence. If she doesn't like the mere idea of you doing drugs and will dump you for it.. eh.. then you have to figure out what's more important.

Relationships ARE compromise. That's the only way any relationship works.

My advice: Quit the drugs. If she loves you enough to care about your habits, she sounds like a keeper. But also, keep in mind that none of us know exactly what it's like in your shoes, much less her shoes, so every answer is going to be based on what our relationships/drug usage is like. So decide accordingly.

And good luck.

quote:Originally posted by Unhinged:

My advice: Quit the drugs. If she loves you enough to care about your habits, she sounds like a keeper.

Gah, this is silly. This isn't a "caring about habits" issue, it's a control issue.

quote:Originally posted by DOCTORGONZO409:

This girl and I have dated on and off for about two years. Mostly on, really, we lived together for about a year. Anyway, we've been apart for a few months now, and we've been talking again lately. The major issue behind us breaking up was drugs. Personally, I see nothing wrong with doing as many drugs as you want, as long as you still take care of whatever shit you have to do and don't start fucking up. But for her, drugs are inherently bad. She can't stand much more than grass.

Anyway, the question is: Do I give up something that I feel is perfectly fine for love? There's other things involved too, but this seems to be causing the majoriy of the trouble. It drove me crazy in the past to be unable to do something that I felt was completely innocent. I just have to wonder sometimes, "where's her sense of curiosity?" Anyway, anyone been in a similiar situation, what did you do, and how did it work out?

Speaking from experience, there's a lot of inherent problems in a relationship where two people, on some fundamental level, don't see eye-to-eye. For example, my second long-term relationship (about 2 years long) was with a pretty, intelligent, and sensitive woman.

Major problems arose from the fact that a) I'm pretty much agnostic, and b) she's hovering somewhere amongst the various evangelical Protestant denominations (originally, she was Pentecostal).

There were days when we would talk about our futures as far ahead as getting married and having kids, but the sticking point would always be that I believe religion should be a personal choice, whereas she believed that any kids of hers would be raised Pentecostal from day zero. There was also some stuff about a lifelong attempt to save my soul ('cause, obviously, if I wasn't a believer and didn't care that I wasn't, it was Hell for sure).

For your own part, just thank the powers that be for the fact that it's not something that manifests itself in absolutes. If she can't stand much more than weed, but can stand weed, then that's a plus. She could be of the opinion that to save you from yourself, she should turn you in to the feds.

Part of the problem here, I think, is that you need to look at the situation more empathetically. Sure, you think that drugs are innocent and harmless ... and granted, they can be both in sufficiently capable hands ... but obviously her point of view is different.

Some, at this point, might be tempted to think that the solution is obvious: Get her to see things from your point of view. That, however, is something which can be strived for but never achieved. People generally can only come to a personal change of view if they want to.

So what do we do? We each accept that the other person has a right to their own point of view but, for the sake of cooperation and the future of the relationship at large, we need to modify our behavior.

For you to say, "Look baby, I still think that drugs are harmless and innocent enough, but in respect of the fact that you think they can be harmful, for you I'm going to cut back to only smoking weed," would illustrate a) your assertion of your right to an independent stance, b) your willingness to compromise in such a fashion that you both get part of what you want, and c) your desire to value your mutual relationship over your desire to use all the drugs you want.

That, of course, is just a suggestion.

deadlycindy: If caring about your partner's drug usage isn't a caring about habits issue, then what is?

^^

quote:Originally posted by deadlycindy:

... it's a control issue.

No, what i'm asking is if that isn't a caring about habits issue, then what is a caring about habits issue? In my own personal opinion, that's one of the most important is caring about the well being of your significant other.

quote:Originally posted by lordsjohnson:

Even though you may not see it, drugs will fuck up your life. If this is a nice girl and she wants to leave you because you're doing drugs, then that would be a good example of how drugs are already starting to fuck things up for you.



Thats so fucking true.

The drug thing is, or at least can be, a "caring about habits" issue. It mainly depends on the extent of the problems it's causing, and why the non-using partner doesn't like it. If she thinks, "Drugs are bad! No boyfriend of mine is going to do that shit," and constantly threatens to dump him over it, that's a control thing. If she has a legitimate concern, then it's probably more of an issue with what could happen to him.

The tough thing about defining any of this is that it's all a mstter of degrees. Few people launch into an anti-drug stance solely based on their need for control, although what Cindy often says about being conditioned to think drugs are bad is true a lot of the time. Still, the vast majority think they're being helpful and caring in trying to get a partner to stop using, so the most they can often be faulted for is cluelessness.