It's been three years, yes, and here I am, still paralyzed with cynicism and - ultimately - fear. I've been convincing myself that's there's no point in relationships because they can only end one of two ways:

No. 1: You eventually break up and then die.

No. 2: You eventually die and break up.

I have a plane ticket to Florida to see a man I love: Darren, who saved my life, and who loves me (or at least thinks he does) and I can't even make myself happy about it because I'm also in love with someone else.

The worse part is the relationship I have with this other person is completely dysfunctional. He tells me he loves, then acts like an asshole, he wants a monogamous relationship, and then we're wrestling on the bathroom floor biting and bitch slapping each other... Together we burn each other with cigarettes and rant about our paranoid delusions.

I fear the dramatically doomed, codependent, drug and booze addled, relationship that is looming - inevitably - before me. And when we break up - and we will - it will be a horrible crash and burn that will be unbareably painfull and will leave me with even more emotional baggage than before. And worst of all, I know we wont be friends anymore. I know how he is with his exes.

Even worse I don't even think he knows how I really feel, though I've told him. But I think he's just pissed at me because I wont agree to stop seeing other people; and It's not that I want to see other people. It's just this thing with Darren: I don't know what more frightening, his inescapable love or the thought of losing it.

It's a very uncomfortable situation, you see. I love them both but, the thought of having another relationship is paralyzing to me. Or is this just cynicsm? Is this just irrational fear? Residual feelings of a previous unresolved and painfull break up.

Right now, I really don't know what to do and I want to figure it out before I go out to Florida (in less than two weeks). At least, after then, I'll know what I want when I come back, hopefully.

I can't believe I'm even actually posting this, but, I guess this goes to show how desperate I am for advice.

Or may be just some recognition.

Cheers,

Lost

Bah. Be glad you've got one person, let alone two.

Me, I've been alone for so long that I'm contemplating suicide by alcohol so that I can just start all over with a clean slate.

You have no idea what being alone does to a person.

Kikey, as usual, has a very good point...Being alone is alot worse than having to choose which guy to be with.

Although I do see your point with your dilemma.

If I were you I would write down the pros and cons of each guy and weigh them against each other to see which is better for you.

The way I see it though is this:

Guy 1

You have a very dysfunctional relationship with him.

Lots of friction and paranoia, which is making you feel bad and causing you to have emotional baggage.

Guy 2

He loves you and wants you for who you are.

He is not the guy you love most though so this causes a problem.

Hope something there helps.

I don't know if I can give the greatest advice, but I know both sides of the story. Maybe you shouldn't be so afraid to start a relationship with "guy 1". You shoudln't be so cynical about it. Yes, you might break up. But you might also have a great relationship with him that you'll remember forever.

I think you should give the guy who live near you a chance. I mean, if you stopped going with other guys while you were with him, I think that it could work. Becasue you two obviosly love each other. I would say, try to make it work, try to stick only to him, and then maybe you can be happy with him.

Maybe this is bad advice, but I know how he feels, so Im just trying my best.

quote:Originally posted by Kikey_Kikeowitz:

Bah. Be glad you've got one person, let alone two.

Me, I've been alone for so long that I'm contemplating suicide by alcohol so that I can just start all over with a clean slate.

You have no idea what being alone does to a person.

Id drink with ya buddy. I wish i could kill myself, but then i dont, but im still lonely as well.

And yes being alone is the worst when you know exactly why you are and can do nothing to change it, at least kikey still has the option of dying, i cant even choose that anymore... hell, maybe ill get lucky