Something has been on my mind, but I haven't brought it up for discussion with my fiance yet... I dunno if I will. I'd like to get your opinions before I decide whether or not to mention it...



Last year my fiance came to the USA for a month-long holiday. It was his first trip outside of NZ so I did all that I could to make sure it was as fun-filled as possible.

We spent a week in LA, hit the good touristy spots, then drove up to SF for a 4-day weekend. After that we unfortunately had to spend some time in my home-town because I had to work, I only worked 8 out of the 34 days he was in the states, which he appreciated since it allowed him to sleep in and relax some (what good is a holiday without sleeping in eh!) Every night we did stuff together. Sometimes we would rent movies and relax and have dinner in, other times we would go out and play pool, go bowling, rollerblading, out to the movies, dinner, driving out in the country, etc. Never a dull moment! We drove up north and spent another long weekend in the country with my Aunt and Uncle, where we went scouting around for animals he's never seen (they don't have much wildlife here in NZ besides birds) and 4 wheeling, and the next weekend we drove down to Atascadero and spent 4 days with his aunt and uncle. We explored around the little shops in town, went for walks on the beach, we also rented a kiyak for the afternoon and went out on the water... Our last weekend we spent visiting Yosemite, and then we headed back down to LA.

For a poor girl I did a pretty good job at playing tour-guide...

Now I am living with him in NZ. This is also my first time outside of north america, I've been here since April and the farthest out of Auckland that I've been was down to his parents house... before I came over he expressed the desire to go out and see parts of NZ that not even he had seen yet... now we sit at home most of the time, me watching TV (I HATE TV with a passion, especially TV in NZ, it's even worse than america!) and him sitting behind his computer... it would be slightly more fair if I had a computer too because I'm just as much of a geek... but I'm left with the fucking TV and I guess he just thinks that is somehow fair.

I cook, I clean... he sits... once every 2-3 weeks he'll cook dinner, or chip in a little help... he hasn't vacuumed the house since I arrived, and so far his major contribution to cleaning is doing the toilet bowl once a month... WHATEVER, I DON'T mind that stuff, I actually LOVE to clean... what I DON'T love is doing the hard work part of a relationship but not getting any of the fun stuff!

When I ask if we can go out I almost feel like I'm nagging... and I know that in fact I'm NOT nagging, rather nicely suggesting, but his response is so negative that it totaly drags me down... and it isn't that I ask to go do things that he doesn't enjoy, we enjoy the same things ffs! He doesn't even want to go out drinking with me, or out to play pool!

We both work 40 hours a week, so I understand that we do need to relax after a long day at the office... but on WEEKENDS he fucking SITS behind the goddamn computer and if I so much as dare to SIGH out of boredom he throws a little tantrum... When I ask "Hey babe, can we do something fun this weekend?" His response is always "er, I guess... what do you want to do?" Well, sorry but HOW SHOULD I KNOW... I haven't lived here for 25 years! I don't know what there is to do!

You're probably asking "So, why don't you go out on your own and sightsee?"

YES!!! I would LOVE to!!! Sometimes I just wanna strap on my rollerblades and head out to get some sunshine and fresh air!!! But I don't.... as stubborn and independant as I am, once I get out there all I can think about is how much more fun we'd be having if he was there with me... see when I met him he was really athletic, he went to the gym every week, he had his deep-water diver license, he had been a kiyak instructor, a field hockey player, a bike-rider, a rollerblader... he fit my out-doorsey active nature to a T!! ...NOW, well now he's fucking lazy, he doesn't even like walking around town, much less strapping on the ole rollerblades...

Also, if I want to go anywhere it has to be by bus, or by foot... I've thought about buying a bike, but I don't earn heaps of money and I don't know if it's really fair to go spending what I do make when I should be chipping it in for the bills...

But GODDAMN I'm in this beautiful country and I haven't hardly seen any of it, I don't even know for sure what there IS out there to see... but I can imagine it would be great...

So, my question is... after playing tourguide in the US and putting 100% of my effort into making sure his trip was as fun as I could make it... am I selfish in wishing he were more interested in doing all those things he said we would be doing together when I got here?





[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 09-18-2003).]

Fuck what you did in America.

Even without that, this guy should have a clue about what makes you happy. If someone puts in no independent effort into making their significant other happy, that is grounds for a breakup in my book, and I have done it. Quite frankly, when I am in that situation, I feel used. And I make sure that does not last.

However, you may not have to break up with him. There are many ways you can try to get him to take a more active interest. Be creative. One way is do something real special for him, and then when he is happy, ask for a date you will like. On the date, have tons of fun and set up the next one, etc. Another way is do something you like with a guy that threatens him. See how long he stands for that. There are a million ways to communicate the same thing with someone, and you should know better than anyone what could possibly work with your guy.

-Easy

hmmm...

He knows me too well to get jealous about another guy... plus I'm not into playing games. Only reason I would spend extra time with some other guy was if I were more interested in them. Plus that would be just using the other guy as a tool, that's not right.

And doing nice things... HEHE.... you'd think that would work wouldn't you? You would think that a girl going out of her way to do something nice and thoughtful for her guy would really make him keen on doing the same... pfft. I don't give to get, don't get me wrong... but I'm intelligent enough to recognize a one-sided relationship.

Whenever I bring home thoughtful little gifts (t-shirts, cd's, movies, silly gifts, etc... things he really likes) he treats them as though they're just expected... like I was SUPPOSED to go to the effort of picking out something special for him... I don't want my fuckin ass kissed but is a warm smile and a simple "thanks babe" just too fucking much to want?

My problem is that I can't figure out what would work... I know him really well... but I can't figure this one out... I don't want to nag because I'd be miserable doing things if I knew the only reason he was there with me was because I just nagged enough...

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

but I'm intelligent enough to recognize a one-sided relationship.



But not what creates it which is this:

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

I'm not into playing games...I don't give to get, don't get me wrong..



I am not sure how old you are, but you seem like you are still in your idealistic phase and you don't understand how everything works. Sometimes you have to train someone. In fact, you are already training him right now. You condone his behavior by being a great girlfriend when he behaves this way. Most of the time you don't find the perfect relationship. You make it.

-Easy

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...

...

DOUCHEBAG.

Find someone who appreciates you.

He is obviously not deserving of someone like you. Too bad theres no girls like you in my area...All the girls around here are untrustworthy...There needs to be more good girls in the world.

Just go to a club or bar and find somebody new, this guy shows little to no signs of affection for you, why should you waste your time?

All I have to say is that is way to long for me to even read one word of what you just typed. Could I please have the condenced version... about 3 sentences maybe?

Yes.

Three words....Guys Are Assholes

If he's not interested enough to see that you are happy, content and comfortable, especially when you moved there with him. It could be time to look elsewhere?

enough already. if this guy's so much of a hassle that you post this ridiculously long essay, you need a big wake up call. i don't post much here but i do read the majority and in all of your threads i seem to get the impression that your man needs some space. bring everything down a notch. the guy's getting smothered and the only reason nobody here says anything is because they're too busy obsessing. not that that's your fault but i'm sure you see what i mean. if you feel like going out and doing stuff, then do it! if he sees that your out enjoying yourself without him, chances are he'll join you on your next trip.

the proverbial honeymoon is over. i know you're not married but you live together and your high expectations are gonna kill you in the long run.