Background: My Fiance is having second thoughts about me, I'm hanging out waiting for him to decide what he wants... to try to work on re-building our relationship, or to chuck it all in the bin.

Meanwhile he pulled some pretty horrible shit, insulted me in front of his friends (that I had just met that night, talk about a bad first impression, the only one I've made so far as all the rest of his friends have welcomed me with open arms) and all because he hadn't take me seriously when I told him that a drink had made me really crook and I didn't feel up to staying out another 2 hours - it was already 1am. I think he assumed I was faking it just so that we could go home? But I'm not sure, because I was the one who pushed for going out in the first place, and besides that I don't fake anything, if I want to go home just-because then that's the reason I'll give. Other than that one night I've always been up for staying out into the wee hours, with his friends and by ourselves too... he has been the one to suggest going home on every other occasion.

Up until then I had been putting up with a mild ammount of shit because I knew I deserved it, and that I needed to be patient to receive patience, but I decided that not even a friend would turn their back on a crook girl like he had, so after we got home and the desire to puke had subsided I explained very loudly and tearfully that I wouldn't be treated that way by anyone and that I would from then on do my level best to get over my feelings for him so that we would both be happy.



Well, I tried that... tried to get over him like I've gotten over other guys... it usually takes me a week to kill feelings for someone. It's been a month and I'm nowhere closer to getting over him than I was when I arrived in New Zealand. It's like the more I try to rationalize our relationship ending, the more obsurd it seems...

I have successfully pinched off my emotions though, which is nice because I'm not so prone to acting like a fucking cry-baby... emotions or not I'm still very much in love with him, very happy with him... I can't understand it.

Things at home are nice, very nice... ideally nice if you ask me. I'm not sure what he really thinks, but he doesn't seem to show any displeasure with our living situation... we cuddle lots, we do fun things together more often, we have friends and family over... there's lots of sex.

We still occasionally argue about the dumbest things, but I guess what else can you expect from two brainy/stubborn people... there is an increased level of peace in the flat though, we don't irritate each other quite as much.... all we needed to do was establish boundaries and get to know each other's comforts and discomforts. He's more willing to do what makes me happy, which means I'm more willing to do what makes him happy, good level of compromise.

I think the biggest problem I/we face is that it's very difficult for him to see positive change... he doesn't seem to notice things getting better, but it's still just as easy for him to notice negative things... like things will go great for a whole week, but he won't notice... but the slightest mistake on my part seems to bring back a flood of negative association... I guess that's how everyone works really.

I still have gotten no word from him on how things are going, it's been nearly 3 months now since the last time I actually asked him to fill me in on what's going on. In that time I've gotten no more than hints, and 'I don't know's... still no word and I haven't addressed the subject in 4 weeks... I'm so curious if he thinks about it at all... if there is anything new on his mind... I'm just dying to know.

Until he says otherwise all I know is that he loves me as a friend, and has no feelings for me beyond that, and at this time does not want a long-term relationship with me. Even with my emotions on 'ignore' its still wearing on me... maybe because I see him every day? So I thought "out of sight, out of mind" why not get out of the house for a week? Clear my head, sort myself out a little without him as a constant reminder of how much I love him... I mean, in my head I know that I'm pretty fuckin stupid to still be in love with someone who can't stick with me when the going gets rough... it's just proving difficult to convince my heart that he's really given up on me... I guess he did a really good job of convincing me that he never would, heh.

I made sure he didn't have a problem with me being away for a week, I didn't want him to think I was leaving to be a bitch. I know he'll enjoy the free time, hopefully he'll still want to see me occasionally 'cause I'll miss him like mad. Fuck-up jenn, it's only a goddamn week. *sigh*

[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 09-12-2003).]

wait, your relationship ended?

So, right now, you are just fuck buddies?

I'm confused... how is this not like, using you more?

I *think* he considers me a fuck buddy... like I said I have NO clue where I stand, he's not making things any clearer... if he does consider me no more than a fuck-buddy then I've accepted that already... and I'm no fool about it, I get pleasure from giving him pleasure and even if there is no more to it than that for him I still don't feel used. It makes him feel good, makes me feel good... if anything I'm the one who's getting the extra bonus because I love him dearly and it is more than just sex for me. Yeah I can understand that it might fuck with my head beyond what I'm conscious of, but my head is already thoroughly fucked so it doesn't matter now. :P

It sounds like you guys would have the perfect relationship if you never got engaged. But unfortunately it is very tough for a relationship to go backwards. I’m going to guess that you are a very young couple. He probably is not sure what he wants right now and it sounds like you are not either. I’d bet that even if he said again that he wanted to marry you, you may have a few doubts.

Give him a little time. During this time, try to figure out if the life you have now, or something very similar, is what you want forever. Even if he decides to marry you, he will still be the same person. Remind him of how things are getting better by thanking him and showing appreciation for things he does for you that he maybe used to not want to do. Also reward that behavior by taking care of some of his needs that you may not want to. Like putting in the energy to stay out with him when you are out with his friends and not yours.

Ask for date or appointment or something and tell him that this is still on your mind. Don’t force him to make decision, but say we eventually have to move forward and ask if he has an idea when he would be ready, or if he has any suggestions for the next step. You may want to give him 2-3 chances with this, but don’t make it indefinite. Don’t let him use you to avoid making a decision. There is a difference between figuring things out, and getting lazy and comfortable.

I hope things work out for you two, but keep in mind that it is possible for you to eventually be happy with someone else. Never forget that. This is about him, but it is also about you.

-Easy