This is an old question with some twists.

I have a girlfriend of 2 years and 6 months.

She lives quite a distance from me now that im in college and things are getting distant. I wish to break up with her. Here are the problems:

-Shes been discussing marriage. (UGH!)

-Shes been quoted to say "my whole life depends on you."

-She has a light case of cancer.

god help me... someone please help with some suggestions so i dont do this in an extremely hurtful manner. I dont mind any pain brought upon myself, I wish to make it as easy for her as possible.

Ok. Here's where you have to be selfish and cold a bit.

Is the cancer terminal? The way it sounds its not really... so if its not and if she'll recover ok, then thats not that big a concern.



Don't use any obvious lies. "It's not you. It's me."

Bad. Very bad.

A couple of friends of mine had a similar situation. Don't get her hopes up for something. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Be honest, and be firm. Don't give up any slack. Don't back down. Tell her your not ready for marriage at this point in your life and that she's getting too serious. Then tell her you think it'd be best for the both of you if you broke up (at this point in your life it probably would be).

thats probably the best way....

im worried for her though... shes one of those completely devoted women, that lives her life completely through me. I know its gonna crush her and im afraid of what she'll do. (cancer isn't terminal... she should be ok in 6 months) she was even crazy enough to get a tattoo with a C in it... my first names initial.

[This message has been edited by Exodus5000 (edited 09-03-2003).]

Why do you want to break up with her? Is it just that she wants marriage, or is it something else?

-Easy

The distance. I've tried very hard to stay with her while im in college. I havn't cheated on her. My feelings are just fading i guess... theres no other girl or anything...

Tell her you are still young and you want a chance to explore a bit. Ask her if you can have an open relationship for a while or if you guys should take a break. Tell her you still love her, but you have desires you have to explore or they will haunt you forever. If she is as gone for you as you make it sound, she may agree to allow you what you want even if she does not want to. No sense in throwing away what could be a keeper. And if you do eventually break up, she will probably be a bit more prepared for it. Worse thing that could happen is she breaks up with you.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Often trying to renegotiate the relationship to more on your terms is preferable to breaking up.

-Easy

I'm not so sure asking about a more open relationship is a good idea in this case. They've been together too long, and she obviously counts on him being there in a monogamous capacity.

You're not going to avoid hurting her, and you likely won't avoid hurting her badly. If you're only away for school, you'll see her again, so you're probably be better off telling her exactly how you feel. It's hard to feel close to someone who's so far away, and if your only contact is through computer and phone, tell her it's too hard for you to keep doing. Allow for the possibility of getting back together when you see her again, and unless you need to avoid all contact, tell her you still want to be her friend and know what's going on with her. Then, when you meet again, see how it goes.

Spiffy's right man. There is no easy way out of this. The only thing you can do that won't come back to haunt you is tell her exactly what you said here :

"The distance. I've tried very hard to stay with her while im in college. I havn't cheated on her. My feelings are just fading i guess... theres no other girl or anything..."

That's it. She'll be hurt, of course. But later on when she's getting over it she won't hate you because of what you were feeling. That deserves respect. It's not easy to tell her exactly what the problem is. She can't fault you for that. Unless of course she's a raving lunatic who has no sense....then you had better run boy!!

i hate your situation. see, i'm in the same one.

i wish i knew how to help you, but unfortunately (for both of us) i have no clue how to get out of this one....

quote:Originally posted by jack's missing mind:

Ok. Here's where you have to be selfish and cold a bit.

Is the cancer terminal? The way it sounds its not really... so if its not and if she'll recover ok, then thats not that big a concern.



Don't use any obvious lies. "It's not you. It's me."

Bad. Very bad.

A couple of friends of mine had a similar situation. Don't get her hopes up for something. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Be honest, and be firm. Don't give up any slack. Don't back down. Tell her your not ready for marriage at this point in your life and that she's getting too serious. Then tell her you think it'd be best for the both of you if you broke up (at this point in your life it probably would be).

I must say that if I was the girl in this situation...Although I'd be hurt for awhile I would consider this the most wonderful break-up of all time if the approach that jack suggested is used

quote:Originally posted by Exodus5000:

shes one of those completely devoted women, that lives her life completely through me. I know its gonna crush her and im afraid of what she'll do. (cancer isn't terminal... she should be ok in 6 months) she was even crazy enough to get a tattoo with a C in it... my first names initial.

[This message has been edited by Exodus5000 (edited 09-03-2003).]

If this is the case then you'll be doing her a favor...she needs to be 1 person with 1 body rather than 2 people she treats as 1

This is the time when you go off to the lake and go fishing for about 2 weeks.

I would have to say break up with her, mate.

Not to be cruel or anything, but you're in college, you ain't got much time to go out and have fun anymore and she's weighing you down.