Hi Guys

Quick question, does any of your parents play/played a role in the partner u choose / chose to spend the rest of ur life with.

No, my mom has never had anything to do with my life, and disappeared 3 years ago, calling once a year at the worst of times. And my dad leaves my choices up to me.

I would never let my parents have any sort of choice in who I want to marry.

Okay guys, lemme elaborate.

My b/f is Muslim and i am Hindu.It is two totally different religions.If i had to marry him i would like have to chnage my name and everything.

We talked about it last night, and we also spoke about our parents influence in our decision, my b/f really loves him mum and the way i see it will do anything she tells him.And i dont mean this in a bad way at all, i spoke to her a few times and she's a greta person.I'm just scared she will reject me , 'cause i'm like from a different religion.And according to my b/f his mum's decision about who he marry's is important to him.And i can understand, i mean imagine u like totally diss what ur parents feel and live ur life, i personally would feel incomplete if my parents were not happy with my choice in life.

I dont know what to do here

Do what make you happy. If that involves pleasing your parents, then i guess you're gunna have to do that.

You're not supposed to like your inlaws anyway, don't ya know that? That's against the rules. hahahajk Ok, here's the thing. Are you're parents gonna be stuck with 'em? Well then. They'll eventually get over it anyway. You have to do what's right for you.

Parents should learn when to let thier kids learn to make their own decisions and make thier own mistakes. Everyone should do what makes them happy. If you think you love someone and you want to marry them, screw everyone the only person that matters is your other. If you really believe that you love this person and you think marrage would be the best thing in your lives then go ahead. Parents may be angry(its their nature they only want whats best for you)but you gotta learn when to stop listening to them. Lol i know this isnt the best example but its kinda like romeo and juliet...dont let anyone else change your minds!(just dont kill yourself)

Nyky

quote:Originally posted by Acidic:



My b/f is Muslim and i am Hindu.

I know a girl from Guyana who is Hindu and was involved with a guy whose family was Muslim but converted to Christianity. It was very hard on her as her family was very traditional and she was very involved with her temple. It took her a long time to convince her father, brothers, and pundit that it was okay for them to become engaged. What finally allowed it was that Hinduism is a very large religion that seems to encompass most of the beliefs of other religions. Christianity did not conflict with Hinduism as much as Hinduism conflicts with Christianity. She was convinced that she could attend her fiancés church with him out of respect and submission, and still have her Hindu faith. Her family finally agreed. Unfortunately, her fiancé was murdered before she was married. That was very tough on a girl who believed so strongly that her relationship was meant to be by God. Anyway, most of the advice you are going to get here is going to come from a culture that is very different from yours. It really is night and day. IMO, love comes first, but I am an atheist. It took this girl a long time before she could respect my opinion after she learned this, but eventually she would discuss her issues, with her fiancé, with me before anyone else. IMO again, it is possible to overcome any cultural or religious difference, but it is not as simple as it may seem, and problems can arise after you think you have them all taken care of.

-Easy

FUCK NO!!!

If his mom is such a great person, and you're not a fuckup, she should be willing to overlook the religious differences. If that alone is enough for her to want to deny her son's happiness, barring the possibility she's just saying no to see if he has the cojones to defy her, I'd say your high opinion of the woman may be misplaced.

"Does ur parents play a role in who u choose to marry ?"

It's "Do your parents play a role in who you choose to marry?"

That said, yes.

quote:Originally posted by Rabid Beaver:

"Does ur parents play a role in who u choose to marry ?"

It's "Do your parents play a role in who you choose to marry?"

That said, yes.



okay mr. proper. and no they shouldnt

quote:Originally posted by Acidic:

If i had to marry him i would like have to chnage my name and everything.

this is usually involved in a marraige.

quote:Origionally posted by easy going:

I know a girl from Guyana who is Hindu and was involved with a guy whose family was Muslim but converted to Christianity. It was very hard on her as her family was very traditional and she was very involved with her temple. It took her a long time to convince her father, brothers, and pundit that it was okay for them to become engaged. What finally allowed it was that Hinduism is a very large religion that seems to encompass most of the beliefs of other religions. Christianity did not conflict with Hinduism as much as Hinduism conflicts with Christianity. She was convinced that she could attend her fiancés church with him out of respect and submission, and still have her Hindu faith. Her family finally agreed. Unfortunately, her fiancé was murdered before she was married

well the story was going great until there... it really killed the story (horribly inapropriate pun).

quote:Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:

If his mom is such a great person, and you're not a fuckup, she should be willing to overlook the religious differences. If that alone is enough for her to want to deny her son's happiness, barring the possibility she's just saying no to see if he has the cojones to defy her, I'd say your high opinion of the woman may be misplaced.

I am going to have to disagree with this. There are entire cultures, countries, and religions full of people who will not overlook religious differences. While that is something that most of us would not do, you go too far by saying that those with these beliefs do not love their kids for real or that they are bad people.

-Easy

Whoa there, kemosabe. I never said that if she went thumbs-down on the marriage idea, it means she doesn't love her son or is a bad person. I don't believe either would be true. But she has been called a "great person" by the girl posting this. I have never, ever heard of any non-famous person referred to as a "great person/guy/girl" that didn't have a good chunk of open-mindedness. To deny your blessing to your child's choice of potential wife based *solely* on her religion- not her opinion of yours or anything else- is pretty damn closed-minded.

quote:Originally posted by Acidic:

Okay guys, lemme elaborate.

My b/f is Muslim and i am Hindu.It is two totally different religions.If i had to marry him i would like have to chnage my name and everything.

We talked about it last night, and we also spoke about our parents influence in our decision, my b/f really loves him mum and the way i see it will do anything she tells him.And i dont mean this in a bad way at all, i spoke to her a few times and she's a greta person.I'm just scared she will reject me , 'cause i'm like from a different religion.And according to my b/f his mum's decision about who he marry's is important to him.And i can understand, i mean imagine u like totally diss what ur parents feel and live ur life, i personally would feel incomplete if my parents were not happy with my choice in life.

I dont know what to do here

Thats tough, being Hindu myself, Parents try to be overbearing, with people I hve seen. My parents do not really care(because my grandparents did not my parents to get married and shunned them for years) about who I married.

Personally, I believe if you are independent and your b/f is for it, just fuck your parents(not literally) and leave them. You are not marrying for your parents, you are marrying out of love for another person.

My parents would not really care who I married white, black, christian, rasta... I think they would have some doubts if I loved a Muslim but they would not stop me.

If the guy really digs you, you guys shouldnt let religion or your parents come in between yourselves.

quote:

Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:

If his mom is such a great person, and you're not a fuckup, she should be willing to overlook the religious differences. If that alone is enough for her to want to deny her son's happiness, barring the possibility she's just saying no to see if he has the cojones to defy her, I'd say your high opinion of the woman may be misplaced.

quote:Originally posted by Easy Going:

I am going to have to disagree with this. There are entire cultures, countries, and religions full of people who will not overlook religious differences. While that is something that most of us would not do, you go too far by saying that those with these beliefs do not love their kids for real or that they are bad people.

-Easy



A religion that decrees a PARENT decide who their child may or may not choose for a spouse is FUCKED UP... simply put.

A parent's responsibility to make decisions for their child ends when that child reaches the legal age to make their own decisions. If a parent is disappointed in their child's decisions after that point in time, it is the parent's problem... and if the parent is a total wanker and makes life difficult for the child because of the decisions they make then that is just sad, and very regrettable.

quote:Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:

Whoa there, kemosabe. I never said that if she went thumbs-down on the marriage idea, it means she doesn't love her son or is a bad person. I don't believe either would be true. But she has been called a "great person" by the girl posting this. I have never, ever heard of any non-famous person referred to as a "great person/guy/girl" that didn't have a good chunk of open-mindedness. To deny your blessing to your child's choice of potential wife based *solely* on her religion- not her opinion of yours or anything else- is pretty damn closed-minded.

kemosabe Haha,

I'm not sure where you are sitting on this. Are you saying that she cannot be a great person if she follows her religious beliefs? I know you did not mention that she did not love her son, but you did say that she should be willing to overlook religious differences to not deny her son's happiness. It sounded like you made the strong religious conviction and a mother's love an either or proposition to at least some extent. My point is that a mother can be 100% committed to a strict religion and to her son at the same time. She can truly believe that it is not in her son's best interest to "be unequally yoked" or however their religion phrases it. She can also be a great person within her culture and religion.

The point of my first post was that the advice given here was going to be based on a culture that does not really apply to their lives. It’s really unfair to judge this woman's greatness by our standards unless we are prepared to go ahead and judge every Muslim’s belief structure.

BTW, there is no such thing as an open mind. Even a so called open mind is closed to lots of beliefs.

-Easy

quote:Originally posted by Sarcophagus:

A religion that decrees a PARENT decide who their child may or may not choose for a spouse is FUCKED UP... simply put.



Every religion is fucked up. But they are working within that context and that is how they have to view it. If you her read her first 2 posts, they are not looking for permission as much as approval, but I know that in their culture; approval to them is like permission for us. They just respect their parents more or differently. They can't get the approval they seek by going back to their parents with the "fucked up" argument or anything else based on western ideas.

-Easy



[This message has been edited by Easy Going (edited 08-27-2003).]

but but but western ideas are better!!! hehe j/k

You could always ask your parents and his parents their views. I found that was the easiest way to come to a resolution when I chose my g/f. It will also give them an idea of how serious you are about being together. Once they know that this is definite, yous will move on to "how?". If yous dont articulate, your hopes wont be realised.

yeah, my dad has a lot of chinese friends with hot chinese daughters

BOOYEAH

I understand what you're saying, EG. My point is this- the idea that it's bad to marry outside your religion/race/insert group here is a culture-based mindset, not a religious one.

I've had Muslim friends, at least one of whom believed so strongly in their ways regarding this topic that we had a long debate about the merits of finding your own partner vs. arranged marriage. You're absolutely right to say that this must be seen from their viewpoint, not ours. However, to judge someone's worth fully or mostly on their religious preference- keep in mind that I mean ONLY their religious preference- is prejudice, plain and simple. I very much doubt that anyone so prejudiced is worthy of great esteem. No matter their other personality traits, they are tainted.

It's irrelevant that this may be more ingrained in their culture than ours. Prejudice was rampant in America fifty years ago, much worse than it is today (regardless of what Jesse Jackson might say). Aren't we better off now than we were then, even with the specter of political correctness hanging over our heads? Yet what you're suggesting is akin to saying that some jackass redneck would have been justified in saying, "My son ain't gonna marry no goddamn nigger," solely on the basis that that's how he had been taught.

She's from South Africa. That's not America, but it's not exactly a bastion of hardcore Muslims, either. It's not like she'll be in physical danger from others if they marry. The *culture* will allow it without complaint. There is no reason for either of their parents to be upset about this outside of their own short-sighted beliefs. Religions are based on belief in a greater power, and major religious texts are nothing more than guides on how to live properly. I defy you to show me somewhere in the Koran where anyone says, "If you marry a Hindu, Allah will smite your fucking ass."

Almost everything in those books is open to interpretation- by design- thus any rock-solid "this is right/wrong" beliefs based on a religion are in actuality based on someone's interpretation of that religion's holy book. People can change the way they read the book without being any less religious than before. That includes opening one's mind to a child marrying outside your religion if they're going to be happy with that person.

quote:Originally posted by prozak_jack:

yeah, my dad has a lot of chinese friends with hot chinese daughters

BOOYEAH

What do you say to a chinese girl?

I'm a humerous kind of guy, with white girls, I can make fun of my whiteness. With black girls, I can falsely pretend to be 'hip-hop.'

But I have no fucking clue on what gets the asian girls laughing. One of life's ironies, I guess, since they're the type of girls that I dig the most.

quote:Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:

I understand what you're saying, EG. My point is this- the idea that it's bad to marry outside your religion/race/insert group here is a culture-based mindset, not a religious one.



This is not true. Several religions do not allow for marriage outside of them, or strongly advise against it saying that it will affect your spirituality or whatever. I broke up with my most serious girlfriend over these issues. We talked about being married, but her family and friends could not accept an atheist and she was eventually convinced it was wrong.

I know it is easy to put our small little belief about open mindedness into their beliefs and expect them to interpret their books our way, but that is putting the cart before the horse. They have their teachings that came from their church or whatever and that forms their belief in their head. Even if another church teaches it somewhat differently, once a person accept a belief as True with a capital "T", they will feel guilt if they change. It is not as easy as you make it seem. You can't pick a view of the religion and ask them to accept it. They believe what they believe, even if it contradicts the Koran. That belief is the religion, and that is where the decision starts.

Your answer assumes that there is a real true Muslim belief that they can adhere to. In reality, there is no such thing as Muslimism or any other religion as a whole. It is all personal. It is never 100% the same for any two people. But whatever it is they believe and accept, becomes their religion and redefines everything about them. It can redefine what it means to love as a mother or boyfriend. It also redefines what it would take to make them a great person. The only real way to know the details of someone's religion is to ask. The Koran is just a book.

Again I want to point out that one religion is no more close minded than the next. It just seems that way if it is more different than your own.

-Easy

I spoke to my mum yesterday and i asked how she would feel if i had to marry Zane (my b/f)in the next like 2 or 3 years.Right now i'm 20, i reminded her that i would have to convert.This obviously was a bit unexpected from me, my mum has never met Zane, i dont stay with my parents as i live/work in Johannesburg and they live in Durban, we are like 600km away from each other.My mum said that when the time comes we shall decide, i guess its a bit of a shock for her.

Yesterday Zane told me that he does not want to lose me over religion.

You guys are in a way right when u say that our parents dont live our lives.

I guess in the end it depends on me and whether i want to convert, i heard that when someone converts to Islam, its actually a blessing for them.

I really love my b/f and i guess i'm willing to convert.

I jus hope his mum see's it as a blessing, Zane has not spoken to her yet, u know, about what she thinks about us getting married.

quote:Originally posted by Acidic:

I spoke to my mum yesterday and i asked how she would feel if i had to marry Zane (my b/f)in the next like 2 or 3 years.Right now i'm 20, i reminded her that i would have to convert.This obviously was a bit unexpected from me, my mum has never met Zane, i dont stay with my parents as i live/work in Johannesburg and they live in Durban, we are like 600km away from each other.My mum said that when the time comes we shall decide, i guess its a bit of a shock for her.

Yesterday Zane told me that he does not want to lose me over religion.

You guys are in a way right when u say that our parents dont live our lives.

I guess in the end it depends on me and whether i want to convert, i heard that when someone converts to Islam, its actually a blessing for them.

I really love my b/f and i guess i'm willing to convert.

I jus hope his mum see's it as a blessing, Zane has not spoken to her yet, u know, about what she thinks about us getting married.

Why the Jesus do you have to convert? Does he want you to convert? Thats ridiculous. You should seriously talk to him about staying Hindu and just be like that couple in the movie Bombay(if you haven't seen go rent it).

(Well the movie is about this Muslim guy and Hindu Girl who get married, against the parents wishes, they run away to Bombay, there are religious riots, they almost die, the sun comes up and everything is better again, they raise the one child hindu and the other kid muslim, which I think is a little ridiculous but thats the movie)

quote:Originally posted by Kikey_Kikeowitz:

What do you say to a chinese girl?

I'm a humerous kind of guy, with white girls, I can make fun of my whiteness. With black girls, I can falsely pretend to be 'hip-hop.'

But I have no fucking clue on what gets the asian girls laughing. One of life's ironies, I guess, since they're the type of girls that I dig the most.



Thanks for being totally off topic.

Asian girls laugh when someone may make kinky-"disgusting" jokes. Like comparing a cucumber to a penis, or claiming your penis is your left leg... stuff like that

quote:Originally posted by onasis:

Thanks for being totally off topic.

You're welcome.

Course, considering that thinly veiled sarcasm, I don't think I should take your advice.

Your life should be your own, and if you love someone that someone should be the most important thing in the world to you. Forget parents and religion and culture.

quote:Originally posted by Kikey_Kikeowitz:

You're welcome.

Course, considering that thinly veiled sarcasm, I don't think I should take your advice.

Its YOUR life.

EG.. never mind, dude. You made your point by saying basically the same thing I did.

quote:Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:

EG.. never mind, dude. You made your point by saying basically the same thing I did.

Yeah sorry