So.....long story but I'll make it as short as possible. Dating a married guy, not totally my fault. I didn't know he didn't tell or wear a ring and when I found out he claimed he was seperated. Yes, so young and dumb was I, I believed him. He had his own place and spent lots of time with me, except when(supposedly) visiting his son for the weekends.

Turns out he simply worked away from home and choose to also play. Any seperation was in his mind only and not his wife's.

I didn't leave, wanted to but couldn't, what can I say love can and will rule your mind. I fell for the stories of the sexless marriage, non-understanding wife and staying together for the kid.

He's been called to duty and is now stationed overseas. We had a bad time prior to his leaving, he thinks we can and should always have sex, I hate his guts for being dishonest, yada,yada,yada.

What does this have to do with you guys and girls?

Unknown to him I have his home address and phone number and his wife's job and cell phone number and address. (Don't ask). I want to tell, admittedly not for her sake, but my own. It will completely end things between us because he'll be so pissed he won't try to get back with me when he gets home and my misery could use some company.

So tell me, what do you want to see happen? I've been really busy lately and haven't been to this site as often as I've wanted to but I thought of it when trying to make a decision. This fate lies in your hands. Majority vote wins. Tell or keep silent?

I vote for you telling and then giving us his phone number and address. Much fun to be had.

Without going into a long discussion, this is a decision that should be made on principles, not feelings. Those would be 1. Flexibility is desirable, and 2. Potential benefits/harms. You leave yourself in a better position with more options if you don't tell. There is no real long term advantage for you if you do tell, and it could backfire on you. The only reason to tell would be temporary satisfaction that may not last an entire 24 hours and will not help you with the strong emotions you're feeling.

I vote don't tell.

-Easy

ah-ha

well, it would clear your conscience if you told her. telling her would take care of the asshole. he would get what he deserves. on the other hand, he might get violent. he knows where you live, it could get messy.

my vote goes to...... BLACKMAIL. simple solution really. when he gets back, tell him that if he doesn't give you ________ that you're going to tell his wife about the two of you. given, it would be illeagle, but he deserves it. and you need a new car.

I have been in this situation before. I was on the wife’s end. I wish some one would have told me of what was going on but I found out the hard way. If I was you I would dump this guy and have nothing more to do with him. For one thing if even he dose leave his wife for you eventually he will do the same thing to you. I don’t know if I would call his wife or not but I would let him know that if he gives you any problems that you will. You’re in a bad situation which I am sure I don’t have to tell you ultimately it’s up to you as to what to do. Do what’s right and try to think with your head and not your heart.

Call his wife. Unless his wife is a total cunt she doesn't deserve to live with a cheater.

Help your self and help her. And let the scum bag settle his own problems.

If you are going to call her don't be a bitch. Tell her because you are genuinely trying to help her, not make yourself feel better.

Being a home wrecker is wrong.

I say don't tell her, and break it off with him yourself. That way you're out of a pretty screwy relationship without having to split up a family. I'm a child of divorce, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I can't honestly say I want to tell her for her sake alone. It may be unjust but if she was a beter wife he wouldn't have had to (or been able to) screw around in my life.

When i say we spent a lot of time together, I mean a lot. It's been almost a year and I was even with him all day on his birthday (before I knew) and she never even called. Even if your husband works out of state, keep tabs for goodness sake!

Also, I'm not trying to get him for myself. I've broken up with him many times to have him worm his way back in. I would never marry him. I'm not even sure if he was faithful to me. A few months after I found out and he started having unexplained disappearences with me.

I would still like everyone's advice. I was thinking if the vote is to tell her maybe I'll email her (yes I have her email address too) this entire thread.

adulterous females make me mad

if i found my women in bed with another guy

i would kill them both

He has a son? How old? If his son is young (1-18) then you have to consider what might happen to him, that is THE MOST important thing in this situation!

Fuck the mum, fuck the dad, fuck you too... none of you will suffer like that boy when the shit hits the fan.

Find out more about the situation if you can. If it is a happy home, with a good wife etc and the hubby is just being a bastard because he CAN be (midlife crisis perhaps?) then I'd go with the blackmail route, but NOT for your own personal gain. Tell him if he doesn't fucking straighten up and do the right thing for his wife and kid that you'll make his life a living hell. You must stop being his lover, and start being his parol officer, hold him accountable for his stupidity... just don't friggin fall in love with him again, gezus. If you don't think you can handle this then just get out of the situation without doing anything.

If home life isn't all that great and he's just a lousy father then it is probably best that you break the news to his wife and let her take it from there.



Er, and I hope you're joking about using the majority vote of a board to make your decision... god I hope you're only joking.

[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 08-20-2003).]

I would try to find out the truth about his wife, bump into her at the grocery store or something, find someway to meet her, find out if she really is a bitch, if she is then let her stay with the fucker, if she is sincere then he doesnt deserve her, and tell her.

I honsetly would never consider such an act, its just wrong, I belive in being faithfull.

quote:Originally posted by MrMojoRisin:

If you are going to call her don't be a bitch. Tell her because you are genuinely trying to help her, not make yourself feel better.

Being a home wrecker is wrong.

If my father ever cheated on my mother I wouldnt want him around anymore, its just not right. I understand he may care for the child, but then he would need to make a decision to divorce and get custody of the child. I belive no one should stay in a relationship just for the sake of a child, but thats just me.

Do NOT tell. It would ruin a couple lives, and for what? Your own selfish satisfaction. Don't be a bitch. Think of his wife and his kid.

Don't tell. Just get him out of your life. "Telling" the wife gets YOU nothing good. It does nothing but opens up a future of potential violence (she against him; him against her' her against you; and most assuredly him against you). Just get him out of your life totally, and move on!!! And if he won't stay out of your life, tell the police....not his wife!! Love, Venus.

I too have been in the 'wife' position...

and i wish someone had told me earlier rather than finding out the hard way.

Tell, her, but dont be spiteful. Just honest.

Say that you have stopped seeing him, but wanted her to know because only a true ARSEHOLE would do what this guy has done.

Imagine, there have probably been girls before you and after you.. not to mention that he is putting her at risk of contracting so many diseases.

think about what to say, wait 24hrs and then tell her.

sorry to hear of your situation

The son is young. like five I think. And I can't "bump into her", I'm in another state. Besides I don't want to stalk her or anything.

Yes I am serious about using this to make a decision, so any questions anyone has I'll try to answer.

He's still on my mind and I'm thinking this will help. I doubt he'll leave me alone when he gets back, I just don't see it any other way. What's more, I may even be weak enough to let him stay in my life. I want him so pissed off he can't even look at me.

This ass tells me he loves me and I know it isn't true. I'm not the first and I'm probably already not the last.

I think it would do her a favor but like I said before that wouldn't be my reason for telling and I would probably end up with a terrible feeling that I won't be able to get rid of.

I guess it comes down to which is worse, how I feel now or how I'll feel then.

At the risk of overly sounding like a hard-ass, if you know he's full of shit and yet you can consciously sit there and tell us you may be too weak to tell him to fuck off, you deserve the dickhead. If it's being single that fucks with you, find another fucking guy, it's not that hard, even for the ugly (which you very well may not be).

It's good that you're conscious of your potential weakness, though, because maybe you'll believe it when I say that if you tell this lady the truth for your benefit and not hers, you are going to feel like *shit*. You'll have blown apart a family for NO OTHER REASON (the key fact) than you couldn't handle the alternative of keeping it to yourself.

Remember, what he's done will not go away simply because you're finished with him. You may very well reach a point in the future where you're comfortable without him, and you finally feel it's the right time for his wife to know the truth. There is no need to force a drastic action like this. Patience is your friend. Use it.

I say tell her. If you were in her position you would want someone to tell you. That's the only thing that should matter.

As for those people that say you would get no benifit from it, you said yourself that you dumped him a bunch of times and were too weak to keep him out. This will be an exercise in growing a backbone, and that's something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

quote:Originally posted by Prometheus:

As for those people that say you would get no benifit from it, you said yourself that you dumped him a bunch of times and were too weak to keep him out. This will be an exercise in growing a backbone, and that's something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Learning how to say no without resorting to the crutch of doing something to make him stay away like she's got the plague isn't an exercise in growing a backbone?

Do not ruin multiple lives for the sake of your own temporary happiness. How could you do that? I could never bring myself to do that, it's so unbelievably selfish.

I say tell her, she deserves to know. Ignorance is not bliss in this situation.

Of course ignorance if bliss in this situation. How could she possibly feel better off after this? She'll either know she's living with a cheater, or she with become a single mother with no way of supporting herself and no husband (who's probably loving and considerate when he is at home.) On top of all this financial worry and legal bullshit, she will feel depressed and betrayed. We will assume that she's currently fairly happy and satisfied with her life at the moment.

Let us not forget the child in this situation, how would this affect him?

She would be tearing apart a family, making everyone involved miserable, and doing nobody good, not even herself. Nothing positive would come out of this.

I've said it and I will repeat it, she should not tell and it is not her place to do so, even if it were the right thing to do.

^ dont give me any of this 'staying together for the kids' crap.

Relationships should be based on honesty. This guy is not honest.

Of course its gonna suck for the wife and kid for a while because HE IS THE ONE CAUSING THE PAIN

but time heals all wounds, and being a single parent is not the end of the world.

They would both be happier in the long run if the true is told. How would you feel if in her position, you found out years later that your husband was cheating, and there were people who knew years ago and didnt tell you?

think

So the winning response seems to be .....Don't tell. I must say I'm shocked. I guess I was looking for and expected approval of the course I wanted to take. A lot of posts made me stop and think like Spiffy who said I'd feel worse and wouldn't be proving anything, much less my strength to just say no.

This is better than therapy, and a lot cheaper too. Still I'm going to leave the decision open for another week or so. I'm also feeling those who said the wife has the right to know.

If anyone has anything to say, post it now.

Does anyone have a vengeful idea that DOESN'T involve telling his wife and will just make him miserable and me feel better?

fuck him up. cheating never pays. Tell