I'm so fucked up, so sad, so frustrated... I'm struggling with myself what feels like every minute of the day... I'm just waiting around to see if my fiance will decide to keep me or not... nothing has ever hurt this badly or scared me this much...

He says he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to think about it... I can't help feeling a bit angry about that because if I was going to make a decision that I knew would destroy someone's life as they know it and put them living on the streets with nothing and no-one because they gave up everything in order to be with me then I would at least put a great deal of thought into it...

He treats me so well, I can't complain one bit. He's wonderful and loving and he still makes me happy... I sometimes forget that he doesn't have feelings for me because he does so well at faking it... but I do know and its destroying me on the inside. Its hurting so much to know that someone I absolutely adore doesn't really want me anymore... How could this be... he was so sure... he wanted a life together just as badly as I still do... the long haul, no matter what, thats what we already promised to each other, that we would never have to say goodbye and be appart again...

I'm struggling against myself because in order to stop the pain I can only dull all of my emotions and then I start to feel invincible... like I don't need anyone, like I would be better off on my own... but I told myself I couldn't allow that to happen, I cannot give up! No matter what and no matter how bad it gets I told myself to remember just how special he is and how special I used to be to him... how special I might be again... I've always been so good at walking away and getting over men once I realised they weren't what I wanted... that reinforces the fact that he is what I want because I just can't walk away this time... I'm level headed enough to know that acting like this is the end of the world is a bit overdramatic... yet at the same time it feels that way, like I'm teetering on the edge of losing the one who matters most, and will ALWAYS matter most...

its been 2 months+ of feeling this hurt... and having to ignore it because the closer to "normal" I can be the better my chances are of reminding him why he asked me to marry him in the first place... I want to give up, this hurts so much... I can see the love in his eyes but I know its not real because he told me its not real... and he hasn't told me differently since then... he doesn't tell me anything, doesn't give me any clues of how he feels so I can only assume he still feels nothing... I can feel myself starting to slip away and not care about anything at all... I don't know what to do... no one can help...



[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 08-06-2003).]

Well if you know he doesn't feel the same way about you what can you do? Meanwhile you should also be preparing for the worst, because even if you do go your seperate ways, your gonna need somewhere to stay for a bit, even if it with a friend.

Theres nothing worse than losing it all in one day, then having to go around explaining your situation to people, trying to get a bed for the night. Just be ready for the worst...

If he doesn't love you anymore then there might not be anything you can do to change that, but you obviously have communication problems, because you should be telling him this (^) not just us.

You are right though, he should give you a straight answer when it is this important so I'd demand one. It is not ideal to be playing fun & games at this time. Hope you work it out, jR.

I don't wanna say that you'll be fine, coz it really does sound like it's gonna cause you some serious pain.

But get through it and your life will be a lot better afterwards. The strength you'll gain from it will help you to have more enjoyable experiences.

Don't be afraid of going through the pain.

You're staring into the abyss. I've been there. It's mesmerizing and hard to look away.

But it's easier to stare into the abyss than to pay attention to the crossroads you've apparently come to.

Many "forever" relationships begin with this level of doubt on both sides. And I've also seen promising relationships careen into the abyss because too many misunderstandings and too much pride gets in the way.

He doesn't want to talk about it. Hrmpf. Then it's up to you to decide what's best for you. Hang around until he's ready to talk? That can suck the life right out of you.

How do you think he would react if you were to ring him up and say "I've decided to change my life. I must move on since I do not know where you stand. Good bye." And hang up. Do not return phone calls or e-mails. Disappear from his life.

But don't be too surprised if he does go away. At least you'll know it's for the best. Chances are, though, that he will think seriously about the situation. Then, if he wants to talk, it's your choice whether or not to hear him out.

I hope your depression is temporary. Much luck to you.

Have him read all you just wrote...



Shek

Thank you very much for your replies everyone...



quote:Originally posted by deadlycindy:

How do you think he would react if you were to ring him up and say "I've decided to change my life. I must move on since I do not know where you stand. Good bye." And hang up. Do not return phone calls or e-mails. Disappear from his life.



I understand that a bold move like this might shake him up enough to make a decision... but I won't play games.

I can only be honest and the honest truth is that its worth enough to me that I will hold on as long as I can... I'm just starting to worry that I can't much longer...

[This message has been edited by Sarcophagus (edited 08-06-2003).]

I can't have him read what I wrote, I can't nag... have to just wait for him to start caring...

if you're going to marry this fella and you have to WAIT for him to care...then damn babe...this guy can't be all that great!

a relationship is about communication and it seems this guy isn't willing to communicate...there's something wrong there!

but as beany said...you will probably go through alot of pain but pain makes one stronger my dear...so don't fear it.

good luck.