The following I posted on my blog:

Six months... six months in a week and two days. February 6th, 2003. Six months... and it's gone by so fast. I don't want it to go by this fast. I want it to be like it was when I was still in school, where every single waking moment was an enviable eternity of bliss. Last I knew, it was May, and now, here it is, damn near August, and I don't know where the fuck the time went.

I have a lot of thinking to do. A lot of thinking about how to deal with this hurting to which I've been subjected. I don't like it, and I don't want it anymore. I just want things back to the way they were. I want to feel the love that I know is there. The early events these past few days proves that it's there, especially what she said to me while we were trying to fall asleep. Even the first day of Chicago was a blessing. It was so much fun, even though both Katti and I were on a money and time budget and couldn't do all the things that we wanted to do. The second day fell apart right from the beginning. I bought tickets at the Field Museum so we could see "Eternal Egypt", which we missed because they had an exhibit downstairs that had damn near the same name. The tickets didn't cost nearly as much as the admission, so, monetarily speaking, I didn't think it was that much of a loss. I felt really bad, however, because we did miss it. The next thing we decided to do was go to the art institute. We had been carrying around my backpack and her duffel bag since we had checked out. The both the Field museum and the art institute had bag and coat checks. The difference was that a) the Field museum let you in without checking your stuff, and b) the Field museum let you check duffel bags. Neither of these were true for the art institute. Katti got mad, and rightfully so. But, the way she was acting, I felt like she was directing all her anger at me. Venting is one thing; this was not venting. All the suggestions I came up with (and there were only a few options) seemed to make her even more angry, so I simply gave up talking to her. On the train ride home, she seemed to distance herself from me, even though she did let me rub her back a few times. On the car ride home, we barely said anything to each other as I slowly crept into another bout of depression. When we got back to her house, she gave me a hug, I said "I love you", and she said something that wasn't "I love you", but I wasn't able to understand what.

I called Shawn and said I needed to talk to him as soon as I got back home because I was depressed. I hung up the phone and supressed the tears all the way to my house.

Things happen, yes. But this has been the start of a breaking point for me. It seems like this has happened almost every time we've seen each other recently. Everytime, it's left what feels like the weight of a semi on my mind, and me without a means to relieve it. It's made me have unpleasant dreams, and it's made me stay awake all night. It's made me hurt, emotionally and physically. When I went to see the doctor about my cyst this morning, he told me I was developing a stress-related ulcer and wrote a prescription for a sedative called Xanax (It's kind of funny: the Xanax bottle has a big warning label on it that says "This product may be additctive or fatal if dosage is exceeded"). He said that the ulcer was too small to be considered an "ulcer" and should take care of itself, and the Xanax would help get rid of a lot of stress. He then told me to stop taking the Vicodin because it would only make the ulcer full-blown. So now I have this $70 prescription that, thankfully, is covered by insurance, and a problem I still have to solve. I know that not all of the stress is caused by her, but she is a part of it.

I've changed so much of myself to keep her happy. For starters, I've completely changed the way I dress. I wear clothes that I normally wouldn't wear. I bought a pair of shorts at The Gap. THE GAP! I've all but stopped drinking. But... it seems to me that it's not enough. She still gets mad at me for things that I have no idea about, and in turn, it makes me upset... especially when I don't get to see her for weeks at a time. The silent treatment... I hate it more than anything... (To quote comedian Adam Ferrara: "If you don't know what you did, then I'm not going to tell you." "Fine. Then don't be surprised when this shit happens again.") The fact that I don't have the money to give her all the things she wants doesn't help matters, either. I'm starting to think that I'll never be good enough for this girl.

Apparently, I can have just about any girl I want. I've had girls try to flirt with me and hit on me in the mall, and... in the mall. The girl at the Gap in Rivertown Crossings is a perfect example. But not the only example. I've tried to explain to them in a friendly manner that I already have a girlfriend, but when they push, I revert to flipping the bird and saying "Step off, bitch! I'm taken!" If I wasn't already in love with Katti, oh where I'd be now.

I know what everyone is thinking. "So why don't you just break up with her?"

I don't want to break up with her. Like I said, I know the love is there. I can feel it. Because of her, I've walked in dreams... and I knew I wasn't dreaming. I want to keep her with me so bad, because I can make her feel like earth IS heaven. I can be the best thing in her life.

I don't know if she believes me, but I've told her I love her, many many times. I love that girl beyond the point of it being healthy. I want things to work out with her... not anyone else... I want Katti... I would rot and die without her.

Time for me to do some thinking (and drinking) to find the solution... because I know it's there.

Any advice you guys have would really help me out here...

Why dont you tell her that? Mail it to her (not email)

quote:Originally posted by TheDragon:

Why dont you tell her that? Mail it to her (not email)

I'm not sure if that would go over too well. I don't know.

Can it really hurt that much?

This girl is apparently driving you to madness. You have to do something if you want to keep her and your sanity, if it's even possible. It quite honestly sounds like she's losing interest in you, and the anger she shows is based on emotions that she doesn't know how to deal with yet.

People learn growing up that they're supposed to make relationships work, but a lesson that invariably goes missing is what to do when that's not a feasible option. I wouldn't doubt that she cares about you still, but that may be adding to the tension. She doesn't want to hurt you. She's used to being with you, but that's not what she wants anymore, and it's fucking with her. She can't say goodbye.

I may be wrong. This has all the markings of the situation I just outlined, but that doesn't guarantee anything. I would very strongly suggest you muster some courage, sit her down, and ask her how she feels about you, whether or not she still wants to be with you. Don't fuck around with it. You may no longer have a girlfriend, but look at yourself.. I've seen one blog entry of yours, and it's already blatantly obvious many a positive would come from the two of you breaking up. It's not an easy thing to handle emotionally, but if it's the way life needs to be, then let her go.

BTW, I am by no means hoping or suggesting a breakup will solve all your problems. I don't know either of you, so there's no way I can make a solid determination of something major like that. But I've seen this too many times already.. the couples who stay together remain miserable, and the ones who break up are invariably happier in due time. All situations are unique, and you may be the exception to the rule.. but don't count on it.

my advice, more paragraphs. Or make the story shorter. Sorry dude.

Well, a while back, she did say she was becoming bored with me (hence the changes I made), but she said that in past relationships, she simply broke up with the guy. Apparently, I've done something to her. She said for once, she doesn't want to break up, and she wants to work things out.

But then this happens and I don't know. Like I said, I know it's there. But I'm scared shitless.

And there's more to it than just her. Living at home has been a varitable hell. I'm home from college for the summer and my mom is developing alzheimers, I lost all my financial aid, can't find a job no matter how hard I look, and my friends are abandoning me. Katti is the last good thing in my life. Without her, I literally have *nothing* to live for.

[This message has been edited by Trueborn Vorpal (edited 07-29-2003).]

Maybe you should try going back to the way you were. That's the person she started going out with, after all.. and the person who your friends knew once. I'll bet a whole lot of money they're not abandoning you, they just don't recognize you anymore.

It's a hard situation, I know, but if you're riding the long, quick slide to hell, do you really want to stay on it? Something has to change. You're the only one in the proper position to figure out what, but you need to do something.

I am unfortunately able to relate, what you've said there is very touching, I know what your going though, how painful it is to try and come to terms with things. Right now I'm still trying to understand why she does some of the things she does.

Its hardest when you know she liked you before, and you wonder why have things changed now. I also have changed how I've dressed, hoping it would make her feel more comfortable, maybe improve things abit. The only problem with my situation is that the person is seeing someone.

Rather akward, and I was only told 3 weeks into their relationship........that just made it harder. So many questions. Where did I stand now? Does she feel anything for me anymore? What am I suppose to do, grin and bear it? The worst thing is she seems so happy with this guy, he can make her light up, something I can't do now. I'm still trying to learn to let go, move on, its just hard.

I know I'm just blowing things out of propotion, but thats always been my problem, always will. You can't forget about someone you've shared so much with. And you can never forget what you had between them.....................just let go...

Well, I've talked to a few friends on the female end of things. They said to just cool things down a bit. "Even if you feel like showering her with compliments, don't. Wait until it's unbearable so you have to say something, and then say it. It'll mean more."

As far as what you said, Afterman, I've been there, too, but not for long. It's actually how I met Katti.

Thanks for the advice so far, guys.

quote:Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:



This girl is apparently driving you to madness. You have to do something if you want to keep her and your sanity, if it's even possible. It quite honestly sounds like she's losing interest in you, and the anger she shows is based on emotions that she doesn't know how to deal with yet.

People learn growing up that they're supposed to make relationships work, but a lesson that invariably goes missing is what to do when that's not a feasible option. I wouldn't doubt that she cares about you still, but that may be adding to the tension. She doesn't want to hurt you. She's used to being with you, but that's not what she wants anymore, and it's fucking with her. She can't say goodbye.

I recognise what she is doing from relationships I've had in the past, where I've cared about the guy deeply and had still feelings for them, but just not felt like it was going to work anymore, even though I wanted it to. I've lashed out in the same way at them because I was confused about what I feel, and compliments and I Love Yous only make it worse as then I felt guilty and like I'm betraying the guy by not knowing if I feel the same way they do. This may not be what's happening with you, but I think you guys need to have a deep and meaningful otherwise it will probably lead to more arguing.

quote:Originally posted by Trueborn Vorpal:



And there's more to it than just her. Living at home has been a varitable hell. I'm home from college for the summer and my mom is developing alzheimers, I lost all my financial aid, can't find a job no matter how hard I look, and my friends are abandoning me. Katti is the last good thing in my life. Without her, I literally have *nothing* to live for.

If all the other things in your life seem to be falling apart, then it's only natural to want to keep this if you can.

I think you might be putting too much pressure on both her and yourself to make this work. I was in a situation not long ago where it felt like the only good thing in my life was my lover, and that if we fell apart then my life would end.

Bet you can guess what happened, hey? I put too much pressure on us being together, spent too much of my time in reassuring myself that we were fine, that things got uncomfortable for both of us and we parted.

Since then i've rediscovered what I was and what I had before it fell apart. I have had time to spend on myself - which I tended to not do during a relationship - and I know that no matter what happens in any of my relationships ( family, friends or lovers ) I still have a good life and am able to live my life the way that I want to.

My advice then would be to look first at what else is happening in your life. Pour your energies into that - dig into your problems and solve them. One by one. Then you will see that you not only have the background to sustain what you feel for her ( and she will also notice the difference in you ) but you will have options should this relationship end.

Once you have options, and the end of the relationship is not something that is going to destroy your world, then you will be more comfortable toward who you are with.

It's a catch22 - but one that you can work out.

Well, apparently, Katti caught wind of my blog post. I got off the phone with her about an hour ago. She was holding back tears when she said "I want you to know that I do care about you and I do love you."

I felt terrible. I didn't wanna make her cry. Ah, well... now I have yet another problem to solve. I think I'm just going to sit down and talk with her.

Dear Trueborn Vorpal;

ive been in your position before. i know how u feel... but im not like that anymore. if im with a girl, and there's tension, but she wont come out and say what it is, i leave her alone. like, done. its over. i dont need the stress, and u dont either. from what ive read, u must really love the girl, but you need to look at the big picture. is this the girl you're going to spend the rest of your life with? really. be honest. u may think that you love her, but in all reality, you may be insecure. you may be afraid to leave a "comfort zone" so to speak. its hard having to pick up and move on. trust me, i know. ive done alot. i dont know you, so these are just my opinions of what ive read. dont take offense please, thats not what im trying to do.

all im sayin is, dont play games, and if she wants to, tell her to get a PS2. right? if you say "i love you" to her, and she doesnt reply, there's something going on with her. if she's not telling you about it, how can u fix it. dont beat yourself up about it. also, u might be smothering her.

let off a little bit.

to quote one of mii best friends " if you start liking a girl more than she likes you, RUN!!!"

its the truth. females are the most manipulative, control craving creatures on the planet. if they feel they have the upper hand, they'll take that to their advantage, and misuse it. she obviously knows what kind of drama she's putting you through. and i read your last post, you felt sorry you made her cry. why? dont feel sorry for her. she's the one who made the situation the way it is. if she's not the one, she should tell you. dont feel bad for her. be a man. have some self dignity. once again, do not take offense. i just hate to see men get all twisted and sick over females. there's a million of them out there guy.

women are like a cat. you have a kitty, you put it on your lap, and you pet it, its happy, it purrs and you think everthing is ok. but once you leave, "oh, this is your couch motherfucker?!!" :scratch: :scratch:

women are like "oh, this is your heart motherfucker?!!" :drops it on the ground and starts stomping:

u cannot win with females. face it.

my advice, give her some distance. let her come to you with the problem. if she doesn't, then obviously she doenst care for you that much after all. if she feels like you'd swim the atlantic for her to make her happy, of the go ahead and get your swimming trunks on. she'll make you do it.

understand?

most women are sluts anyway. i dont want to come off as a dick, but she's probably already cheated on you.

once again, dont take offense to what i say. im just not going to sugar coat anything.

btw, i used to live in chicago. did you go to navy pier at all? next time your in town, stop down at Ed Dibevicks (i think thats how u spell it). its an awesome resturant. you get to cuss out the waitresses, and the're rude as fuck back to you. also chek out the sears tower. up at the top you can feel it sway when the wind blows. its fuckin nuts!

anyway.

good luck.

-shaw

First off can I say thanks to Trueborn Vorpal

and everyone else who posted here. You've really made me think alot about my relationship between the girl I'm "supposedly" in love with, maybe I'm fooling myself when I say that, but its what I feel.

Anyway, right now I'm heading down to meet her and hopefully sort things out, I think you we're right Wonderstation, I think she feels guilty because shes aware of how much I like her but she doesn't feel that way anymore. And because of that shes just annoying herself. Everytime she talks about a guy, she'd always look at me then trail off, I wasn't sure if it was because she was afraid I'd get jealous or shes just thought "No its not fair that I talk about this in front of him"

I guess I recongise now that she was just doing it because she felt guilty, and now I feel guilty for putting her through this. I'm going now to talk things over with her, I just thought I'd write down my thoughts before and after this, Perhaps I can look back on it tomorrow and feel comforted at the outcome.

Thanx,

Afterman