Edit: This is a long-ass post. You've been warned.

A recent comment this past weekend (which I've made reference to in other threads) got my brain working. This is rarely a good thing, but I'm utterly stumped. I wouldn't classify this as a problem as much as just the way I am, and it's almost sure to be classified as an unanswerable question, but how does one exude sex (sex appeal, sexuality)?

I am not a sexual person. This is not due to a lack of desire or sex drive on my part. I like all the good things about sex. I definitely would like more. I enjoy watching attractive women pass by, although my interest in that has waned (more on that later). I could talk about the topic for long periods of time, were I ever drawn into a conversation about it, much like I enjoy being an active part of this forum. I wouldn't mind having a worthwhile girlfriend, either.

As much as I despise blaming things on one's youth, part of this is due to the way things were when I was younger. I was chubby, fairly out of shape despite enjoying all kinds of sports (and being piss-poor at the whole spectrum), and shy as hell. I didn't know jack shit about confidence, to the extent where, knowing what I do now, I'm positive that if someone had said confidence gets chicks, I'd have told them, "Yeah, but the rest of me will send them running."

I used to believe hitting on a girl was insulting, and it took me a long time to realize that it wasn't the attention which was offensive, but rather the disrespectful style I constantly saw. Didn't have a girlfriend until 21, sex until 23. In short, when it comes to the one slice of life that requires firsthand experience, I have nearly none.

I'm not hopeless. I get attention. What few girls I've chatted up (due to needing a good vibe to feel comfortable with it) have all been smart, good to talk to, and we've gotten on well. Save the one occasion where I absolutely bludgeoned my chances (inexperience problem), I haven't gotten any dates because they all have boyfriends (bad luck, I suppose). Short and sweet, when the situation presents itself, I know what to do.

And that's where I start to get confused.

I have no lack of confidence. I'm in shape. I look good. I look at girls, but I don't leer. I'll talk about sex, but I'm not inclined towards initiating those conversations (or any conversations at all, for that matter). I'd like it as much as anyone else, probably more than most, but yet, for the second time in my life, I've been called damn near asexual.

I understand why. I don't give off a vibe of wanting to fuck the living hell out of that hottie that just walked in, because I'm not consumed with the idea of fucking the hottie that just walked in. Part of it is that, since she's a random person, odds are she's dumb as a brick, and there are so many other females out there who are just as hot and have equal odds of being dumb as a brick that it's like, what makes that one so special? Plus, relating to what I mentioned before, I'm tired of just looking. It bores me to know that it's all I'll get to do, so the interest isn't there anymore.

But why would a girl be sexually attracted to a guy who doesn't appear interested in sex?

This is where the dilemma occurs. Yes, most random people are dumb as rocks. Not all. And why would those smart people be any more attracted to me than the dumb ones? Just because they have functioning brains doesn't mean their hormones work differently. But while a girl might look at me and think, "He looks good," she'll look at my friend Greg and say, "I want to fuck him senseless."

Maybe this isn't something I want to change. It may simply be a side effect of the philosophies I hold, to initially view all people as equals until they prove otherwise, rather than view women as nothing more than potential sex partners until they show they can be more. It may also be due in part to the fact that, on the occasions I've tried to be more friendly, I've been substantially disappointed by the inanity of my fellow humans, and thus naturally hold out little hope for the ones that just happen to come in attractive shells. In those cases, it's a side effect I can live with.

But it's been over a year since I got laid. I've never had a girlfriend that lived in the same state as me. I want to be able to hug someone besides my fucking mom. These are not new problems, and they're ones I deal with well enough. It's simply a bit of a personal earthquake to discover that you may, in fact, have all the qualities needed to get a girl, and be failing miserably because they don't get the feeling you want anything to do with them.

I have no mojo. (She's got a boyfriend. Ba dum bum.) Were I to decide to change this, how the fuck would I go about doing it? Or am I stuck in a vicious cycle, where one's sexuality tends to come forth naturally the more they use it?

[This message has been edited by Spiffy McBang (edited 07-22-2003).]

Nice autobiography there...

But seriously if you visit places that you know people will want you sexually your chances off "success" will increase tenfold(E.G. nightclubs etc).

Additionally I just realised this whole post is about you wanting to be with someone and the problem being they dont realise you want to be with someone. My only suggestion is to act more interested even if its 'false'...However deepdown they will be what you trulely desire (from what your post says).

Im probably talking crap but oh well I tried.

-JUMP-

P.S. Bit of alcohol may help from both parties.

Mm.. thanks for the attempt.. but you're a little off on what the post is all about. It's a rambling pile of wordiness, I realize that, but the point is not "how do I get a girl". I answer those questions all the time, that knowledge isn't something I need.

I may be coming off like an ungrateful shit, but I know the propensity people have for taking the shorter post, assuming it's right, and going along with what it says. It's not quite right, though, and as long as I'm here, I'll try to keep it on track. But I'm off now, so here's hoping some good comes of all this.

...Lost me now

Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you basically saying that your problem is that you don't give off a "sex" vibe at all?

That is, that even if a girl was attracted to you and that perhaps she was a worthwhile person, she wouldn't say anything or take any initiative because she wouldn't get a vibe that your interested even if you are, and that your own insecurities prevent you from acting on your own interest?

Mojo. You can't fake it, buy it or steal it. But you can develop it by considering "the little things," or subtleties of behavior.

Posture: Never stand with your hands in your pockets or arms folded. Stand up straight. Also acceptable to lean against a wall or something, but not all guys can pull this off without slouching. Don't chew gum. Keep your chin tucked down a bit and always look a girl in the eye. Don't turn away too quickly. This is all inviting body language.

Mindset: Think about sex constantly. No need to talk about it. If you see a girl you'd like to exude sexuality around, think about the foreplay. This will put a sparkle in your eye and will "loosen" your lips a bit. Literally. Slightly parted lips are sexy.

Pheromones: If you use anti-perspirant (containing aluminum products) switch to a deodorant, which will keep excess stink at bay yet allows that vital, subtle essence to come through. Sounds weird, but women are sensitive to hormones.

Meh, sounds like a lot to think about at once. Thing is, once you get the hang of it, it's like riding a bicycle.

Hi, Spiffy: I think it's not how to get the girl that you're seeking our help about, but rather how is it that SOME guys (girls too, of course) EXUDE SEXUALITY, and harvest all the great physically satisfying heterosexual rewards that flow from that--while other guys do not?......and, of course, the related bottom line question then is "why not ME, Spiffy, when I've got all those OTHER desireable and attractive elements --like decent looks, reasonable intelligence, and a very normal sex appetite and interest....and especially when I would treasure the reality of a really good, warm, physical relationship with a girl? Is that the issue? If that's your issue, just call me Sherlock!!--hee hee)!! If that's NOT the issue you're raising, there's no need for you to read further--because that's the issue as I undestood it, and is therefore the issue I will try to help with in my own little way. First of all, I DON'T think that sexuality is something you either "have it" or "don't have it". It's not the same as what we refer to as "good looks", etc.. It's a more remote and almost mystical quality. I honestly believe that EVERYONE has his or her own sexuality "seeds", and could grow their own great sexuality garden if they understood that....although not very many do. The sexuality seeds don't grow on their own...you have to know they are there, and then do a couple of things to nudge and nourish them so you can enjoy their harvest!! To make the seeds grow, I think you need to mix together and apply a special coctail--each ingredient of which is simple, but the combination--which provides the synergistic effect--is complex. Essential ingredients are things YOU, Spiffy, told us you now have--the most important ingredient being self-confidence. Another ingredient must be creativity.....thinking and acting (if neither illegal or deadly) OUTSIDE THE BOX! Another ingredient is FLEXIBILITY in the things you do, the way you do them, and in the way you chatter. There are many ways a guy can verbally express a message....some immediate practical, instructive and direct....but then there are those ways that are indirect, even maybe remote and aloof.....and at their best, very covert, so though not crude or offensive they will be heard, digested, by the girl as desireably very physically and sexually suggestive---even when they have nothing to do with sex at all!! There's more, but a GF is here, and we are going out now--sorry-- but I will finish my answer tomorrow if the thread is still open....unless you tell me that I have totally missed your point, and that I should "shut up and go away" (hee hee). Love, Venus.

quote:Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:

I have no mojo. (She's got a boyfriend. Ba dum bum.)

She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore! Worthless piece.. uh nevermind. So uh, Spiff, you busy tonight?

Well, if your sexually passive than it would take the sexually charged women to really get to you. And wouldn't you feel better if the woman was pursuing you? Than your guaranteed a woman with Mojo.

In most cases, men are horn dogs. They'll go after any random chick have meaningless, vanilla sex and move on next weekend.

If it's the woman with the horniness, you're guaranteed good sex, most likely more than once. Think Samantha from Sex and the City. She gets around, she's good lay, and although she likes to have variety, she ends up fucking a guy more than once. Although, that's just in an HBO series, it does reflect real life. The trouble is, finding the few women that are like that. And if your special and interest a Samantha, they might end up changing their wild woman days and actually being monogamus.

I don't think you should change. I don't like when guys are slobbering all over me, there's no sensuality in it. If I'm pursuing the guy, I get to set the mood. If he's at least responsive and not completely cold to me than he has a good chance of some quality ravaging back at my place.

Guys like you are my spice of life. The kind that sex is going through their mind but they're reserved about it, that turns me on. They have to get all that sexuality out somehow and if it's not in public by ogling boobs it'll be in the bedroom where it counts.

Women can pick up vibes. If there's an attraction, she'll know and you won't have to exude sex. Subtlety(sp?) starts the best relationships anyway. So it's win/win situation.

Hope that helps a little.

your posts always make me think. i think deadlycindy has hit the physical aspect of sexual exuding well. The eye contact and the slightly parted lips make me think that a guy is interested (even if they arent).

the big thing, in my mind, is that if you dont want to think of a girl simply as a potential sex partner, there is no need to think sex. You can try to change your mindset, but everytime i try to do that i get all mixed up (but maybe im just slow) Just think about the nice things about her. Think about what attracts you to her (ie. intelligence, beauty, whatever else) which should at least make you smile as you look at her, which makes you look interested, which most girls will take as you being interested in sex.

if you try to change sexual attitude too much, it will just look forced, and most girls will notice. i dont think its a great hope for you to be the sexually agressive frat boy type...just be yourself (i think i am beating a dead horse here, but its true). can you portray being interested long enough to decide if you would like to make a relationship with her, sexually or even just emotionally? Once you are in a situation where you are comfortable and know you want to be with someone sexually, can you be more sexually interested? I would think that that would be a more important thing. Some girls dont need for you to be interested in fucking her when you first meet. Some find a good conversation to be great, and also have the same feelings as you.

im really sorry if i am not to much of a help. i cant really express my mind in paragraphs too well...but figured i would try, because it really got me thinking. i hope you find someone that you are attracted too that fits the qualities you want...i honestly think there are good people out there, they are just hard to find.

damn, deadlycindy, you hit the nail straight on its head... pretty good -- you're not, by chance, majoring in this field, are you?

I knew the ladies would come through. In fairness to Jack, he had it pretty much pegged too.. only thing is, I suffer very little from insecurities. I don't chat up girls I don't get a good vibe from, and I don't vibe well with many people. I always believed it had to do with the fact they generally seem so boring. Getting called asexual was humbling.. it made me wonder if I was doing something wrong.

I can't say much more than thanks, because pretty much everything was clear and useful. The only question I have is, Cindy, what if I already use deodorant? Don't change? I like my Old Spice, but if they make an anti-perspirant, maybe I'd try it out if recommended.

Mojo, you dump your boyfriend and I don't see mail in my box? I'm wounded. *poke*

[This message has been edited by Spiffy McBang (edited 07-22-2003).]

if you ask me, it's a lot easier than all that. flirt more. flirt with everyone and everything. the more people you flirt with, the more confident you seem (even if you're not). the more confident you seem, the more attractive you seem, sexually.

flirting leads to confidence leads to sexual attractiveness leads to your goal.

Hey Spiffy,

I think I get where your coming from, would you mind if I dropped you a mail? I'd really like to discuss this further if you wouldn't mind. You'll hear from me soon... jR.

(Lucky you eh ?)

I am confused. You claim you know how to get a girl (and I do not doubt you- you are, after all, Spiffy) and yet part of your post about lack of people to hug. Lack of girlfriend. Isn't that more than slightly irrelevent to the topic, then, if you could so easily find somebody to hug besides your mum? This is honestly a question, I understand the lack of sexuality bit, but I'm trying to grasp whether you are at a loss for female attention more than a little by choice. Because we all know you could get a girl if you wanted.

Part of flirting is putting forth an air of sexuality to try and attract someone's attention. Needless to say, I'm piss poor at flirting. It ties in with the question.

JR, go right ahead.

steph, I freely admit that a lot of my anti-socialness is by choice. As I said, the boring nature of the general populace is anathema to me. But that doesn't change the fact that, where some guys seem to naturally be able to draw women their way, all I get are appreciative glances. It's nice, but as I get out and observe more and more people, it becomes apparent that those guys (and many girls) have a sort of sexual energy about them which I can tell I lack.

Even though the vast majority of females would bore the shit out of me in two seconds, not all of them would. Being unable to draw any of them in, however, makes my odds of meeting any of those few even slimmer than they already are. I can get "a" girl, but I don't want "a" girl. I want to be able to pick a girl that's worth my time. Right now, in terms of going out and meeting one locally, I don't have that capability. I have the tools, but I don't know how to use them properly just yet.

Actually, I've never hooked up in any way with anybody I didn't meet online. That's fine- they've all been great girls. There are also certain positives in knowing that you attracted someone with your mind. Still, I wonder what it's like to do the same in person. Just because I seem to have a gift or great luck for finding the cream of the internet's female crop, it would be nice to have the feeling that I won't have to go hundreds of miles to meet cool women.

I think I overshot the question, but still, does that help clear things up?

quote:Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:

I'll talk about sex, but I'm not inclined towards initiating those conversations (or any conversations at all, for that matter).

...

But why would a girl be sexually attracted to a guy who doesn't appear interested in sex?

live it ...

quote:Originally posted by pretty pinay:

Hi, Spiffy: I think it's not how to get the girl that you're seeking our help about, but rather how is it that SOME guys (girls too, of course) EXUDE SEXUALITY, and harvest all the great physically satisfying heterosexual rewards that flow from that--while other guys do not?......and, of course, the related bottom line question then is "why not ME, Spiffy, when I've got all those OTHER desireable and attractive elements --like decent looks, reasonable intelligence, and a very normal sex appetite and interest....and especially when I would treasure the reality of a really good, warm, physical relationship with a girl? Is that the issue? If that's your issue, just call me Sherlock!!--hee hee)!! If that's NOT the issue you're raising, there's no need for you to read further--because that's the issue as I undestood it, and is therefore the issue I will try to help with in my own little way. First of all, I DON'T think that sexuality is something you either "have it" or "don't have it". It's not the same as what we refer to as "good looks", etc.. It's a more remote and almost mystical quality. I honestly believe that EVERYONE has his or her own sexuality "seeds", and could grow their own great sexuality garden if they understood that....although not very many do. The sexuality seeds don't grow on their own...you have to know they are there, and then do a couple of things to nudge and nourish them so you can enjoy their harvest!! To make the seeds grow, I think you need to mix together and apply a special coctail--each ingredient of which is simple, but the combination--which provides the synergistic effect--is complex. Essential ingredients are things YOU, Spiffy, told us you now have--the most important ingredient being self-confidence. Another ingredient must be creativity.....thinking and acting (if neither illegal or deadly) OUTSIDE THE BOX! Another ingredient is FLEXIBILITY in the things you do, the way you do them, and in the way you chatter. There are many ways a guy can verbally express a message....some immediate practical, instructive and direct....but then there are those ways that are indirect, even maybe remote and aloof.....and at their best, very covert, so though not crude or offensive they will be heard, digested, by the girl as desireably very physically and sexually suggestive---even when they have nothing to do with sex at all!! There's more, but a GF is here, and we are going out now--sorry-- but I will finish my answer tomorrow if the thread is still open....unless you tell me that I have totally missed your point, and that I should "shut up and go away" (hee hee). Love, Venus.

I didn't even read this shit because if i did i would lose place if where i was reading and btw your name has been pissing me off lately.

its ironic... kangy you know what im talking about *wink*

Life is so unfair...what else can you call it, when some people are shagging like rodents, and others are waiting ice ages for something decent?

And those who are constantly shagging exude it, i don't know if it's a pheromone or just that smug OVERconfidence of shagomania. In some guys, it's super flirtiness (as in, lining up the next sexual escapade for the day) that does it, in some guys, it's the "i don't need you i am all shagged out this week" attitude.

I know i am more "sexual" when tipsy, it's just so much easier to appreciate letting the straps fall on my shoulder or sustaining a long flirty gaze or doing things with my toes heh....

Your problem is not this spiff, if i can say. It's that you are torn between what you want: a shag with a chick who is attracted to you like animals to pheromones, or something lasting with a girl who is enlightened and vibrant.

Well, you get both when you meet a smart girl at a bar and you're both tipsy....... anyways good luck- your long vigil will soon end, it always does.

I'm not torn. I want both.

What! Practice is important!

Wow, I'm in a situation that's both similar and antagonistic; I won't go into details cause I'm in a rush right now. A lot of good advice here, but I don't think any advice can really help high standards except "lower your standards" as I have been told on many occasions .

Mind if I throw an email at you Spiffy? This has been nagging me for a while and now there's someone that has experience of this, I'd like to talk if that's OK

*thinks*

*checks*

OK, I could rightfully be dubbed "JellyRoll MK2", but I don't give a damn. This is like a handicap!

FA'AD: Sorry. It's OK that you didn't read it, 'cause I didn't write it for you. Besides, it's always best to skip the ones written by those who "piss you off". Love, Venus.

quote:Originally posted by Sigster:

This is like a handicap!

Thats why we all should talk about this in the near future. I'm 17 - I want to get this out the way now. jR

quote:..but I don't think any advice can really help high standards except "lower your standards"

I'm not sure it's just a matter of "standards" here. I think some people have a clear idea of what they want and would prefer not to compromise. I see it more as "keeping your eyes on the prize." And to get the prize, sometimes you have to figure out what could be improved/developed about yourself (in this case, developing "mojo") that could increase your chances.

Hehe, Spiffy must be getting lots of e-mail lately.

Cindy's on top of it again. My standards are what they are. I know I can attract girls I'll like because I've done it before. Only thing is, those were situations I sort of fell into and handled well enough; in other words, I got lucky. I'm simply trying to learn how to swing the odds in my favor a bit. I doubt it'll change things much, since the ability to seduce is very much a double-edged sword, but I'd like to have that skill in my pocket.

Anyone who wants to e-mail me is welcome to, as long as you're smart enough to find the "E-mail Spiffy McBang" button on my posts.

Hey Spiffy,

My background was very similar to yours. I may have been even more of an introvert growing up than you. What brought me "out" was some twists of fate the landed me in sales. That was probably the worst skill I had, but I learned it. It is still not natural for me, but I got good at it. Anyways, I studied it (it is like practical psychology) and then branched off to related areas. Soon I started getting laid a lot more and then I studied seduction specifically and got better at it.

Here is what I know. Everything is learnable. You can learn what come naturally to anyone, but most of the time those who are naturally good at people skills have no fucking clue what makes them good so they can't teach it. That is the good news. The bad news is if your prowess is conscious and not unconscious (learned as opposed to natural) you will lose something. It is like learning how a magic trick is done. It works, but there is kind of a let down and there is no going back.

If you would like to study the tricks of the trade for yourself, start with this book. (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0142001198/002-6814640-0416811?v=glance)

Easy Going

All those are damn long posts.

Well my friend (said with a middle eastern accent), I have no website, no link, no point of view from woman in her twenties to present to you, I have only my experiences from my high school. Now I realize you're past me, but bear with me. You see, most women, unlike Mojo, think that they want love. Oh yes, they can't wait until they find a man that treats them right, and loves them back. However they pass that kind of love every day. It could walk right up to them and yell directly into their face and they would not notice it. So most women, in my highschool anyhow, so for the men 3 or 4 years older than them. The ones who are going to college in a year, so it's like the girls are practically begging them to cheat on them. So these older guys, they have cars, most of them are dumb as fuck, unnatractive, but somehow seem to have more sex with every fucking women in the school. Now you see, basically what they do is pop a few cherries, tell the women they love them, break up with them like a month later (after loosening them up a bit) and move on to the next woman. Now what happened to all the love? I mean, this one girl, her name was Brittany. I was obsessed with her. For like 2 years. I never asked her out because I was like 14-15. No car. Well just when I thought I had a chance, she started dating this guy who she dated the year before. He dumped her, and went out with "the school slut" which wasn't even the "school slut" until after they had sex, because she was a virgin when they started going out! But you see, Brittany see's that as, "yeah he did go out with the shcool slut, but who hasn't?" Well I haven't. Anyways, they ended up having sex, now he's going to college in WV. Now you can't convince me in a million years that he won't cheat on her. I mean come one. Maybe you read about this in my other post. She is "in love" with this guy who dumped her a year ago, is very unnatractive (the worst case of acne I have ever seen), is an asshole, and will never get anywhere in life. I mean, the only thing the guy kows how to do is work on sound systems and speaker boxes for cars. He feels the need to drive past the school 3 times during finals with his coon tunes blaring. He's fucking white! And here I am, totally "in love" with this girl and wanting to stab this man in the eye with a fucking Sodering Iron. But hey, just knowing there are women out there who actually wanted to be "loved" and not just fucked, like Mojo, makes me sort of happy. (I forgot the smiley face things)

Edit: I don't mean Mojo wants to be fucked and not loved, I meant the opposite. Loved and not just fucked.

[This message has been edited by Rabid Beaver (edited 07-24-2003).]