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Toxic Custard Workshop - #91
* *** * * *** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
**** * * * * Number 91 - 6th April 1992
* * * * * **** Written by Daniel Bowen in a hot sweat with a
** *** ** ** * blocked dothe and a pretty nasty cough but I'll
survive somehow, there's no need to worry too
-------------------------------much, I'll just keep soldiering on with my near-
f
If YOU had the spirit of BARRY MANILOW inside you, what would you do? a
Would you PANIC? NO! You'd call Ralph's Excorcists Ltd. Summon us, 24 t
hours a day, 7 days a week. a
l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
c
This week saw the release of the Urban Survival Handbook, by John o
Wiseman, retired professional soldier with the SAS and survival n
instructor. He was inspired to write it after somehow managing to cut d
his head open on a cupboard door in his kitchen. To aid our readers, we i
present some short excerpts from the book: t
i
- CROSSING THE STREET - Sneak up on the traffic light from behind, o
preferably undercover of darkness. Remain a short distance from the n
traffic light until the evil Commie terrorist red man has disappeared .
and the good green walking man has appeared, then carefully and quietly
make your way across the road, watching for snipers. I
- CUPBOARDS - When opening the cupboard, sneak up from behind, d
preferably undercover of darkness. Grab the cupboard by the handle with o
your bayonet and pull it open, screaming "Die you commie cupboard n
mother-fucker!" '
t
- MUGGERS - Always confront muggers in your army greens and SAS beret
whilst equipped with SAS standard issue machine gun and hand grenades. e
That usually scares the shit out of them. x
p
- RELIGION - Always confront religious groups in your army greens and e
SAS beret whilst equipped with SAS standard issue machine gun and hand c
grenades. That usually scares the shit out of them. t
- VACUUMING THE HOUSE - Sneak up on the dust from behind, preferably s
undercover of darkness. Your vacuum cleaner is your weapon; use it y
carefully. Prior entering the dirty room, ensure the hostages have all m
been released safely. p
a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
h
Oh I'm so lost, Lord y
I'm lost without no hope
I'm lost from the Lord Jesus f
And I'm lost from the pope r
o
I'm out in the wilderness m
In the devil's lap
I'm lost in the countryside y
And I didn't bring a map o
u
Where can I go now
Being lost is no fun l
I wanna see a priest please! o
Or a bishop or a nun t
,
I may have lost my faith
But I haven't lost my thirst o
Will God try to guide me? h
Or will the cops find me first?
n
Is that a town I see o
Or a hill or just a shack? .
Oh, screw the Lord, I just remembered
There's a flare inside my bag N
o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
POPSICLE d
Part Five - "Shaking The Tree" o
Mr Popsicle, of the Australian Royal Security Establishment was rather I
concerned that the plot was getting entirely lost in his latest
adventure, and that he wasn't being portrayed as the all Australian e
complete and utter cool guy and HERO that he was. His current case, x
investigating the theft of a large amount of alcohol from a Police p
party was particularly boring and dull, so he decided to pep it up a e
bit by organising a big raid on some guy whose file he'd pulled out of c
the filing cabinet just for the hell of it. His name was Fergus, but t
everyone knew him as Fergie, because he had long red hair and was
getting divorced. c
Popsicle miscalculated though, and managed to increase to a
embarassment level the amounts of liquid in the front of his trousers. r
In fact, not to linger on this point for too long, he stank to high d
heaven afterwards, a fact which, understandably, didn't over-please s
him. Fergus hadn't been expected to put up a fight, so it surprised
Popsicle somewhat when they burst through the door to find a rather c
large elephant. Fergus had never been known to keep animals - not even o
a dog or a cat, let alone an elephant. And this elephant was MEAN n
looking. It had "Fuck off!" tattooed on each of its ears. t
Once Popsicle had regained his dignity, and gained a clean pair of a
underpants, the questioning began. Fergus was obviously scared, i
otherwise why keep an elephant for protection? He claimed he was just n
minding it for some environmentalist friends. After all, he said, i
elephants have rights too. n
To cut a long and boring story short, Popsicle charged Fergus with g
possession of an offensive elephant, and released him on bail. The
elephant was released into the urban jungle and went on to a successful h
career on tv chat shows. u
g
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
This has been another long and boring
episode of Toxic Custard. Those of you s
who would like to read some of the long u
and boring back-issues should reply to m
this for details, or send long and s
boring mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved. f
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | m
Melbourne Australia | 3% of signature quotes o
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | contain statistics. n
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | e
y
*elffins* *rettulps* *hguoc* .nialpmoc t'ndluow I hguohT .ton yletulosbA .
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