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Toxic Custard Workshop - #90
\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\ /\ /\ /\/\/\/ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES\/\/\/\/\/\/
\/ /\ \/ \/ \/ Number 90 - 30th March 1992\/\/\/\/\/\/\
/\ \/ /\ \/ /\ /\/\/ Written by Daniel Bowen/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
\/ /\ \/ /\ \/ \/ daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au/\/\/\/\/\/\
- -/\- - - /\/\/\- -\/\/\/- -/\ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FASHION
Some bright spark has come up with boxer shorts featuring a velcro fly.
Well, you wouldn't want to get anything caught in it, would you?
The newest thing with cheap clothing is to have a label proclaiming A
that this garment has been exclusively designed in Italy (before being f
manufactured in China, usually). This probably means the company paid t
for Mr Wu from Shanghai to sit in Rome for half an hour to sketch a few e
designs on the sketchpad, before flying back to Peking. r
And of course, there's t-shirt designs. The people who write the
slogans for t-shirts must be out of their minds. Almost as much as us m
lunatics who go out and buy t-shirts that boast "100% Authentic u
Trademark", "Built For Fit", "Made To Last", "Classic Design" and all c
that. Classic design? Yes folks, this t-shirt design was first sketched h
by Leonardo Da Vinci in between inventing helicopters, painting
grinning women, and disemboweling horses. It's been the number one c
selling t-shirt for the "in" crowd since 1637. As worn by Mozart! Marie o
Antoinette wore one at the Guillotine! When Napoleon took one of these n
off and threw it over a chair before he screwed around with Josephine! s
Get yours today! u
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - l
t
Peter Couchman has been getting more adventurous on his discussion and a
argument show. A few weeks ago we saw "Couchman goes to jail". Last t
week, "Couchman on drugs". Couchman seems to be picking up some very i
bad habits. Just as well he's on late at night so the kids don't see o
it. What'll he be up to next, "Couchman on a loose woman"? "Couchman n
vandalises railway stations"? "Couchman goes mugging"? Perhaps ,
"Couchman forgets to buy a condom and gets HIV?"
c
COUCHMAN SHOOTS UP o
n
COUCHMAN: Well, now I'd like to look at the differing views of the s
drugs problem in our society. First to you, Bruce Badger. u
You're a loudmouthed senior citizen who knows nothing about m
the topic but who bullied your way into the studio. What do p
you think? t
i
BRUCE: These druggies should all be rounded up and locked up in little o
rooms with no food or drink or needles until they either get n
better or die from starvation! ,
COUCHMAN: Good. And what would you say to that.. erm.. Ralph Monson? c
You're a former drug user and now a social service worker o
with a degree in socially and psychologically valid arts. n
s
RALPH: Well, I think it's so important to express our inner feelings u
when confronting an issue of this magnitute, and not to oppress m
our self-esteems in any way when doing so, in order to fully a
appreciate and respect each and everyone's mind, body and soul. t
But Mr Badger, and I think I may be being too forward if I i
attempt to refer to you by your primary epitaph, "Bruce", but Mr o
Badger, don't you feel as I do that your reasoning and hence n
proposal for dealing with this problem is a little on the, shall ,
we say, extreme side?
c
BRUCE: Absolutely not. These druggies should all be put up against a o
wall and shot! m
m
COUCHMAN: Quite. Well, I think that the drug users themselves might be i
able to voice their opinions here... what about you, Jenny s
Keilor? e
r
JENNY: Has... has, like, anybody got a joint? a
t
BRUCE: They should all be beheaded! i
o
RALPH: Sorry to respond negatively Jenny, but I don't, I freaked out n
totally when I saw the heavy security concious fascist mode
uniformed bloke at the door, and I threw all my stash into the a
gutter. And Mr Badger, I don't feel that your appraisal of the n
situation is aiding the maintenance of harmony at this stage. d
COUCHMAN: Just at this point, I would like to delve further in one c
particular direction for a moment. What in fact is the going o
price for heroin these days? Is anyone in the audience in a n
position to tell us this? f
u
MAN: Yeah, here you go. Is this enough? That'll be $600. s
i
BRUCE: They should be hung, chopped into little bits, run over with a o
steam roller and fed to the dolphins at Melbourne Zoo. It's the n
only humane thing to do! ,
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I
STUCK NTRFFIC '
v
C'mon... *HONK* Get out the way! *HONK* I've been stuck here for ten e
minutes now.. *HONK* Listen, if I wanted to be stuck in a bunch of cars
standing still, I would have gone to a carpark. *HONK* It's not as if d
the view is particularly inspiring.. *HONK* On one side there's a e
concrete wall, and on the other side is a rail line with trains c
whizzing by, and it's really really pissing me off quite badly! *HONK* i
Okay, okay, gotta calm down.. take it slowly.. slow.. relax.. slow.. d
time.. time.. time 8:56.. due at work.. work at 9:00.. slow.. boss will e
castrate me.. castrate me then throw me out the window to let the d
seagulls eat me.. relax. *HONK* Okay, now I'm getting severely into a
severely severe mood! *HONK* *HONK* My heartrate is rising *HONK* t
*HONK* This is getting severely stressful *HONK* I'm warnin' you.. h
*HONK* If I have to keep sounding this horn, my head's gonna fuckin' i
explode! s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
Well, that's about enough Toxic Custard for e
this week. I fully suspect that Popsicle will n
return next week. Meanwhile, back-issues are t
still available. Please ask about them, you e
bastards! Reply to this, or send mail to n
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu c
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
--
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved. i
(Okay, so I forgot that bit last week.) s
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | I saw Jesus on Friday night c
Melbourne Australia | at Flinders Street Railway r
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | Station. He was making a a
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | phone call. I wonder who to? p
.
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