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Toxic Custard Workshop - #86
This, is Major Wine. POPSICLE. Coming soon to TCWF.
GRANDIOSE TITLES PTY LTD CO. INC PRESENT
_______ _____ _____ ____ ___
| / \ / | / \ / TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
| | \ / |___ \____/ /___ Number 86 - 2nd March 1992
| | \ /\ / | / \ / \ Written by Daniel Bowen
| \_____ \/ \/ | \____/ \____/ From somewhere downunder.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
Mud. Dirt and grime. It's terrible stuff, let's face it. Normally I A
wouldn't complain too much about anything, as you know, but the mud n
around here is terrible. My neighbour's back garden isn't so much of a d
garden, but more of a bog. A veritable cess-pit. They lost their dog a
while back. I reckon it sank into the garden looking for a bone. It's n
their own fault; they shouldn't have had that party last month. I saw o
what went on that night - I used my binoculars from my attic window. w
Around two in the morning, most of the guests decided to have what
looked suspiciously like a rain dance, despite their claims to the f
contrary. Two weeks later it poured with rain, flooding their garden o
(and most of the others too). Now that can't just be coincidence, can r
it? My solution is to have a concrete garden. Think about it, there's
no poblem with insects eating leaves, you save water and effort t
looking after it, and you never have to mow it. Of course, it doesn't h
quite cut it in the photosynthesis department, but then, you're not e
telling me a tiny little daisy supplies enough oxygen to keep the human
race alive. d
e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
p
Well, I have to say that in recent months, my bank statement has been
looking much better. 'Cos now it's on neat tinted paper, and laser- b
printed, with the bank logo in full hologrammatic colour in the top i
corner. t
:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After failing to reach agreement for a 10% increase in fish and H
penalty-rates for night meowing, cats nationwide have decided to strike e
next Thursday. All members of the Federated Cats Union will cease
meowing for 24 hours and will boycott washing themselves or each other. w
They will refuse to eat tinned catfood, use litter trays, and will not h
make use of catflaps, demanding that owners open the door for them at o
least twenty times an hour. All purring will cease, as will leg-
rubbing. Tails will remain at a maximum of 45 degrees from horizontal, l
and the anti-furniture claw campaign will be stepped-up. A spokescat i
for the Union said that meow. He demanded that meow immediately, and v
added that if Union demands for meow weren't met, then meow. e
s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
b
POPSICLE y
Part Two - "Christmas in March"
t
Inspector Jock Unnecessary-Violence and Mr Popsicle, of the Australian h
Royal Secret Establishment were bumming around in general at the e
A.R.S.E offices when the call came through of an emergency. A
terrifying and dangerous emergency. A downright scary emergency in f
fact. This was an emergent and urgent emergency. It was the night of i
the Police Annual March Christmas Booze-up and Bingo Night Celebration s
Piss-Up Get-Together Party, and the worst possible thing had happened. t
Someone had stolen the alcohol. So, they jumped into a paddy wagon and
drove dangerously down to the bottle shop to get some supplies. After s
requisitioning all the wine and beer they could find and fitting them h
into the van, they went straight to the Town Hall where the party was, a
with sirens blaring. l
After delivering the supplies, they called in Doctor "Goose" Wedge, l
the A.R.S.E. scientific adviser, with an expertise in forensics, and an
-unhealthy interest in shower accessories. The alcohol had been stolen g
from a refrigerated semi-trailer in the driveway in front of the town e
hall while everyone had been too pissed to notice. It was enough to t
keep a pub running for months, or a police party for several hours.
Popsicle knew they had to move fast to find the beer, and set up a Town k
Hall Booze Taskforce - a fancy name for him and the Inspector, n
basically. o
By morning Doc Wedge had been over and through and under and around c
and around and around the semi-trailer thoroughly, and had collapsed k
nearby in a giggling heap from the fumes. Popsicle and the Inspector e
had got statements from witnesses, some of whom swore blind that the d
beer barrels had rolled out of the semi-trailer and down the hill, done
a left at the main road and then grown wings and flown off along the u
road to the tram stop before hitching a ride with a passing pink n
coloured camel to Addis Ababa. c
As for the bottles of wine and spirits, they had mysteriously o
formed into a giant winged television and made a speech about the n
economic situation in relation to little bits of string before s
exploding into colourful bits of seventeenth century brickwork. c
Popsicle guessed, quite correctly as it happens, that this was a i
load of crap, and decided to rely totally on guess work, a tactic that o
almost always fails. But fortunately, he'd come to an agreement with u
the author that it would work in (or perhaps on) this case, leaving s
Popsicle the triumphant crime-fighter and leaving the author with
absolutely no broken bones and no keen interest in footwear made of b
concrete that inhabited the bottom of the Yarra river. y
Popsicle guessed, quite correctly as it happens, that the grog had
been stolen by notorious Mafia crime boss Alfredo Cappucino, who had t
been known to be involved in prostitution, smuggling, gambling, h
politics, promotion of Bryan Adams and other criminal activities. e
Doc Wedge had recovered evidence from the crime scene, which
included the semi-trailer, now missing its tyres (bad neighbourhood, f
that), a hundred and seventy-three hungover policemen, a small pair of i
pliers, a clothes peg spring, a piece of wood and the latest issue of s
Cosmopolitan (oh, that may have belonged to Doc Wedge actually). t
Popsicle and the Inspector could make absolutely no sense of this .
whatsoever, and decided to make up the evidence as they went along, and
to frame Cappucino, which was quite obviously easier and considerably
more fun. R
i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
Popsicle and the whole rest of the Toxic h
Custard Workshop Files team will be back t
next week. Until then, may your booze be
good booze, and good morning. J
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
f
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved. f
-- ?
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | TIP FOR CROSSING THE ROAD:
Melbourne Australia | Always cross at the
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | traffic lights - it delays
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | more car drivers.
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