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Toxic Custard Workshop - #84
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Signatures have a vital place on the net,
Melbourne Australia | and this is a move to increase the
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | visibility of signatures in every day mail.
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Looks much better, doesn't it!
--
Good evening, and welcome to Toxic Custard.
...
S
Who wrote this crap? i
d
c d p s r y r T C W F 8 4 e
oxi ustar orksho ile umbe ight - ou 17th February 1992 w
T C W F N E F by Daniel Bowen a
----------------------------------------------------------------------- y
(These title bits just get sillier and sillier) s
------------------BUSYBODIES THROUGH THE AGES PRESENT------------------ m
---------------A HISTORICALLY COMPLETELY WRONG PRODUCTION-------------- e
OG, PREHISTORIC ANCESTOR OF IRENE BUSYBODY, SPEAKS OUT ON.. s
s
Fire. This "fire" thing, it'll never catch on, you know. It's a totally a
flawed concept. You're telling me you can bake a whole mammoth by g
rubbing two sticks together? No chance. I mean, I know they go on about e
friction and heat and stuff, but does it really work? I went to the s
cave sparklighting competition last week, and not one person could get .
the competition twig lit. And if they ever do get it going, you can bet
it'll just start raining. That'll put paid to that. W
Then there's the wheel. The developers are promising mobility to h
the masses once they get their wheels coming off the production line. o
Now, I might be a prehistoric caveman with the intellect of rock, but
even I can see that it's not going to work until they take that wheel w
off their heads and put it on the ground. It'll have to turn when it's a
vertical, too. Not parallel with the ground. Otherwise, it's just going s
to make holes.
Those blokes that keep painting themselves green to blend with the t
forest, the "Greenies", are rabbitting on at the moment about how the h
dinosaurs are nearly extinct, and they reckon we should stop hunting e
them for our tribal paint. Well how are we meant to paint our nice
pictures on the cave walls and all over each other without paint? After t
all, red is the IN colour right now. Anyway, they'll never be extinct. w
They'll keep surviving. Dinosaurs will be around as long as dolphins i
will be. t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
w
AIDS. AIDS is a serious problem. We know it can be spread by particular h
types of sexual behaviour. And we know it can be spread by sharing o
needles during drug use. Scientists considered these two facts, and
then conducted nearly two years of research to find another link in the i
AIDS chain. Their discovery was terrifying. It's true, AIDS can be n
spread by sex, drugs.. and rock'n'roll. v
Research continues into the ease of the spread of the virus with e
different types of music. But already there is a clear message coming n
out - Never, EVER, listen to rock'n'roll without wearing a condom. t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
d
A package arrived the other day
Got here quick, only mailed last May t
It looked like it was addressed to me h
So I took a look and yes, yipee! e
ANOTHER m
It was well wrapped up so I found a knife <----BORING ?
Want to see inside before the end of life POEM
Two hours later I had opened it H
Nothing good inside, just a load of shit e
The whole package was dull, totally boring s
So out with it all, straight in the bin h
And I'm left with the package on my lap o
Oh joy, hooray, it's bubblewrap! u
l
So of course, what can I do? d
But pop all the bubbles until I go blue
All else doesn't matter, I'll ignore what they say b
This bubblewrap keeps me busy for days e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
h
It's getting harder and harder to use automatic bank teller machines. u
Quite apart from remembering the magic number, there is the question of r
ensuring that your clothing doesn't clash with the brightly glaring t
colours of your card. You wouldn't want to be seen stuck in an ATM
queue with a clashing card now, would you? The best solution is to plan a
ahead. Compare your various clothing, and join a range of banks that
give you different coloured cards, so you can make sure you always have l
a card to match your clothing. Actually, it's only got to be a matter o
of time before someone develops a chameleon ATM card, which changes to t
the right colour no matter what you're wearing. .
Then there's actually using the machine. Once upon a time no-one
knew when to press which multicoloured buttons. Now of course they've
simplified the machines and made them more friendly.
PLEASE INSERT YOUR CARD TO BEGIN TRANSACTION
GOOD MORNING/AFTERNOON/EVENING, MR D BOWEN 4983 28362943. I AM THE O
NEW AZ5000 BANK MACHINE. HOW ARE YOU TODAY, MR D BOWEN 4983 28362943? h
PLEASE PRESS 1 FOR "FINE THANKS."
PLEASE PRESS 2 FOR "PRETTY GOOD." y
PLEASE PRESS 3 FOR "NOT BAD APART FROM A SMALL CRICK IN THE BACK OF e
MY NECK AND I'VE GOT A SORE THROAT AND A LITTLE a
BLISTER ON MY BIG TOE." h
PLEASE PRESS 4 FOR "OH MAN, I HAVE GOT ONE MOTHER OF A HANGOVER. BUT .
WHAT A NIGHT. YOU'D HAVE LOVED IT, IF YOU WEREN'T A .
MACHINE." .
PLEASE PRESS 5 FOR "WHY DON'T YOU PISS OFF AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS,
YOU STUPID BANK MACHINE PARASITE." i
t
The next step is an extension of the existing bank machines, following
the path of technology and of humankind. It's a new concept in service w
for the customer, and will be called the Automatic Bonk Machine, or the a
Automatic Wank Machine. The hole in the wall, so to speak. s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ m
Rumours abound that you have been reading another e
tropical episode of the Toxic Custard Workshop .
Files. Back-issues are still sitting piled up in
an imaginery pile.. so please, reply to this mail
or send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu to find out
how to imaginerily help us get rid of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen
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