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Toxic Custard Workshop - #81
Toxic Custard is viewable only on recycled screens! (This screen has W
been displaying other stuff hasn't it? Good, then it's recycled!) e
l
----------------------------------------- ____ l
toxic custard workshop files number 81 ___/ __\_> ,
27th january 1992 - australia day holiday / /
written by daniel bowen \ I
----------------------------------------- AUSTRALIAN WRIT
s
I went to McDonalds the other day. I don't feel so bad about it since p
they stopped putting CFCs into their burgers, you know. You notice they e
didn't have a big fanfare about it. They obviously want everyone to n
forget they ever *did* use the things. t
Anyway, the robots ask for your order, take your money, ask you
whether you mind waiting an extra thirty seconds for your fries, then t
proclaim that you must, under all circumstances, "Enjoy your meal!" It h
seems that recently someone has told them not to add this proclaimation r
when all you've asked for is a small bag of fries. "Here are your e
fries, skinflint. Enjoy your meal. Oh, is it all you can afford? Well, e
maybe you should go and lie in a gutter somewhere, if you're that
poor?" And oh yes, it's always fries, isn't it. Not chips, oh no. We're d
not plebs here, we serve only fries. No madam, if you want fish and a
chips, fuck off to the fish and chips shop. y
Of course, it's the school holidays, so once you get your tray and s
start looking for a seat your knees are immediately attacked by
fifty-seven dwarves running to the toilet at once while battling each t
other in small groups with their chocolate sundaes. Embattled in straw r
to straw combat while launching a bombardment of thickshakes on their y
friends in the corner. And seventy-four teenagers having a pre and/or i
post-film fluorescentlit dinner for ten. n
Naturally you eat your fries by stuffing them into your mouth two g
at a time. You never do that with real chips now, do you. No. It's an
automatic mental reaction developed over the centuries through t
evolution. As a result, modern man knows when his fries are too thin to o
eat one at a time.
Your burger packet tells you that it's 100% Australian Beef! If t
you're in Australia, that is. In America, no doubt it's 100% American h
Beef! In England they'll be eating 100% British Beef (hopefully with no i
McMad McCow McDisease). So I wonder, what do they stuff into the n
burgers at the McDonalds in Moscow? Not Russian beef, surely. I mean k
for a start it would be a bugger to find any that hadn't frozen solid
in a train just west of St Petersburg. And if they did find any, it o
would probably only enhance the glowing reputation of McDonalds food. f
Literally.
a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
Why do clock-radio SNOOZE buttons give you just nine minutes grace? A
Just nine short minute's extra time to conserve energy for the u
remainder of the rigours of the day. In fact, the SNOOZE button isn't s
for snoozing. The nine minutes was calculated by a committee of s
Japanese technicians at a conference outside Fukushima in 1973 as the i
optimum time that they think you can have a quick snog in. No, I don't e
wish to hear from you people out there who can manage it in 9 seconds.
Of course, there's those of us who just want to gain a little extra s
sleep through judicious use of the SNOOZE button. I've got hitting that i
button down to a fine art, even when I do want to get up straight away. d
The method favoured by many is to set the alarm clock for 9 minutes e
before when you should get up. The other option is to get one of those w
combined clock-radio-cassette recorders, and get it to wake you up at a
full volume with a tape of the chimes of Big Ben followed by a y
recording of your mother screaming "GET UP AND OUT OF BED YOU LAZY s
GOOD-FOR-NOTHING!" If nothing else can propel you out of the land of
nod and onto the floor, that will. m
e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s
s
Ever had to tell people something that they're expecting slightly less a
than the news of World War 3 starting? You talk to them on the phone g
and they ask you "what's up", and you first claim that "nothing much, e
the usual", before eventually breaking down and admitting that yes, .
you're engaged to someone they might never have heard of, but hey, it's
all going really well and.. hello? hello? It's about then you call them B
an ambulance and vow to announce it to the next person in such a way u
that you can render them medical assistance should they need it when t
their jaw dislocates itself from the rest of their mouth and falls to
the floor in shock. s
t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
e
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... w
The telephone. Now there's a useful thing. A little box with buttons. t
But not just a little box with buttons. With that tiny marvel of h
electronics linked to lots of other, larger and more expensive marvels
of electronics, you have the ability to talk to people (and c
receptionists) down the street, across the city, around the world, and o
down the street. You have the power to ring up Telecom to complain b
about how high your phone bill is this quarter. Amazing. b
And you can ring up a government department and get stuck on the e
line for 45 minutes listening to crackly polyphonic boring Muzak r
versions of either the latest Kylie Minogue (s)hit, or that very act of ,
artistic heresy itself - a version of the Beatles greatest hits.
Eleanor Rigby on a xylophone just doesn't have that certain.... Anyway, I
why do they do that? Why do that send that crap down the phone line to
you? Simple - they're trying to get you to hang up. They don't want the c
hassle of having to talk to you. They're a bureaucracy. Pen-pushing o
pillocks. They don't want any communication with you whatsoever except u
the occasional notice from them to confirm your death. "Dear Sir/Madam, l
this letter is to notify you that you are dead." d
The latest thing now is telephonic viruses. Be careful who you pick n
up the phone to. And remember to always place a condom on the receiver. '
t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All involved deny that the previous stuff you t
have been reading was the Toxic Custard h
Workshop Files. We must also add that any i
rumours that back-issues can be obtained by n
mailing tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu are completely k
false. And we will refute them until lunchtime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
f
WORDS OF THE WEEK:
The new term for a large number of Australians of o
below-average intelligence - A Basketball Team. n
e
-- .
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne Australia | You're as sane as meep beep bong beep.
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au |
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
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