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Toxic Custard Workshop - #74
::::: ::::: : : ::::: ::::: : : TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #74 T
: : : : : : : : 9th December 1991 h
: : : : : :::: : ::::: Written by Daniel Bowen e
..:...:::::.:::::.:.........:.....:......(vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au) r
e
This is like, the Hippy News, so mellow out. That mega-heavy dude the
Prime Minister spilled out a big floral shoulder-bag full of bad vibes on i
Friday when he kicked the chief bread-head John Kerin from the s
Treasurer's position, which is like a real shame man, 'cos John was like
one of the mellowest and coolest Treasurers ever. Okay, so the recession o
is really really heavy and uncool, but all you gotta do is take it slow, n
roll yourself a joint and take it easy, man, it'll sort itself out. l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
THE TWO SIDES OF THE BRAIN o
n
- I *want* that chocolate. e
-- Don't be silly, it's too sweet; it'll rot your teeth. p
e
- One little chocolate can't hurt. r
s
-- All your teeth will fall out and everyone will laugh at you for having o
no teeth and you'll have to pay the dentist three zillion dollars to have n
a full set of false ones put in.
m
- Mmm... milk chocolate. I can't resist milk chocolate. o
r
-- That one chocolate will mean you'll have to exercise for ten hours e
every day for the next two years to burn off the excess fat you gain from
it. You'll be bloated, huge, round. You won't walk out of the 7-11; s
you'll roll out. You'll look like the enormous fat pig that you are, you t
chocolate maniac. u
p
- One chocolate... just one. i
d
-- Oh sure, you say just one. But you'll get hooked and be eating thirty
a day for the rest of your life. Hideous spots will appear all over your t
face, and you'll look completely repulsive to any other members of the h
human race. a
n
- But it looks so *tasty*!
t
-- Well of course it looks tasty. It's specially developed by the h
chocolate companies to look tasty. You don't think they'd market a e
chocolate that looked totally revolting, do you? It's meant to look
sumptuous, seductive and delicious. But that chocolate will block your a
arteries.. you'll have heart disease or something horribly gory and u
dangerous like a heart attack. You'll be dead before you've even thrown t
away the wrapper. h
o
- I love chocolate. I want that chocolate. r
-- Oh sod it, you're right. Eat eat eat! o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f
Once upon a time there lived a frog, who basically spent most of his time t
hanging around a swamp. He would have hopped around instead, but he was a h
very rebellious frog, who felt that he shouldn't have to be subjected to i
the usual frog cliches in fairy-tales. Anyway, this frog naturally wanted s
to go far in the world. He was aiming for promotion, hopefully before the
story finished, and was therefore forever on the lookout for any good u
looking princesses who might be hanging around as well. With luck he'd be s
able to get a kiss from one to transmogrify himself into a fairly rich, e
moderately handsome and well-hung prince. l
The frog's name was Roger, pronounced "Rogger" for reasons that will e
be apparent to all but the most unknowledgable of readers. Roger s
preferred to be known as Rog (pronounced "Rogg") so we'll stop calling s
him Roger and start calling him Rog, beginning with the next paragraph.
Rog was having a pretty rotten day, all things considered. He'd not s
spotted any princesses around the swamp all day, not even a hideously i
ugly one, and to can it all, he had a migraine. There was a mist rising d
above the swamp, and he decided, in a move destined to anger those e
supporting more radical roles for frogs in stories, to bounce home. w
After passing a Pipa, he bounced into a very misty area of the swamp, a
landing on a log, where he found a (lo and behold!) princess. The y
princess was sitting on the log, and looked down at Rog, who grinned s
back. Rog ralised that this particular log was in the centre of the
marsh, which was not a particularly likely or terrific place for a m
princess to be sitting. But hell, it was just the way the story was e
running, so it would have to be here. s
"Yeuch, a frog!" screamed the princess in Greek, mainly because she s
was Greek, the dialogue being shown in English because the author and a
most of the readers didn't speak Greek. The princess, being a typically g
civilised and dignified member of the human race, was of course armed to e
the teeth. But also being only a young child princess (not really one of .
the ones Rog had been looking for), the weapon in this princess'
possession was a slingshot. Which she fired roughly in Rog's direction - A
not a very friendly thing to do in the circumstances; something which n
became obvious when the small stone from the slingshot hit Rog, most of d
whom exploded in a splash of green bits. And all that Rog the Frog had
wanted to do was to snog with a wog on a log in the bog during a fog. t
h
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
t
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... '
Fairy tales. It's shocking the junk that we feed our kids. Thank Christ s
they're moving away from that bullcrap nowadays, and giving them those
Teenage Mutated Ninja Tortoises. Those fairy tales were just promoting y
boring peaceful sixties values in our kiddies. Well, okay, I know that o
most of them were written before the 1960s, but that's not the point; u
most fairy tales were written in the sixties of different centuries, ;
which throughout history have been known for their revolutionary music
and peaceful long-haired people. The Great Fire of London actually t
started from a commune of seventeenth century hippies who lost control of h
a Restoration joint. See how dangerous drugs are? It's that type of e
peaceloving wet wimp what wrote those things. The whole concept of fairy
tales corrupted the little kiddies for years, you know. Just the name is o
suspect. "Fairy"? I blame AIDS on fairy tales. It's fairy tales that n
promote peace and love and stuff.. and of course we all know who's to e
blame for AIDS. Well, those immigrants brought it over from Africa,
didn't they; then they gave it to the gays and the drug users through the r
toilet seats and stuff. I think we should ship all of them, all the poofs e
and all the drug users and blacks and immigrants and haemophiliacs to a
Africa and re-build every toilet in the country. That'd get rid of AIDS d
for good. i
n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
Toxic Custard is over for another week, thank
God. For back-issues mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen .
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia------------With his second
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---shortest sig ever!
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