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Toxic Custard Workshop - #65
_____ _____
| | TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES 65 7th October 1991
|_____ |____ `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
\ \ \ Written by Daniel Bowen, edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au
\____\ ____\----------------------------------------------------------
The brain-drain has hit. A
You could tell, couldn't you? Don't answer that. It's basically a c
consequence of assignments. The history of assignments goes back to the t
17th century, when 16th century born French scholar and right bastard u
Francois De'Crepit thought he'd piss his students off completely by a
setting numerous numbers of theoretically useful but practically l
useless exercises all due in a two week period about two thirds of the l
way through what was to become known as the semester. He also developed y
long sentences that had to be read at least twice before they made any ,
sense like the previous one made any sense like the previous one.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
h
We live on a most remarkable planet. It's really very nice. Seen any of e
it lately? Anyway, we all know that birds fly south for the winter. So
what do birds down here in the southern hemisphere do? Maybe they fly b
further south. No, then they'd end up n Antarctica (Americans read r
"Andardigger"). So.. in winter, what do birds native to Antartica do? a
Yeah,the penguins. Perhaps they waddle south. They wouldn't get very i
far. And they'd never come back; it's always winter at the poles. n
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
d
CRIME STOPPERS: WANTED r
James Wanton, 17 years old, 175 centimetres tall, wanted for not making a
his bed this morning, leaving an assortment of unwashed dishes in his i
bedroom, leaving his socks and underpants on the floor, and generally n
treating the place like a hotel. If you know his whereabouts, you may
be eligible for a reward of up to $1000 while remaining anonymous. Ring i
Crime Stoppers on 865-5000. s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
s
We would like to appeal to all parents who own ferocious dogs - please o
think before leaving the dog near the baby. Wouldn't it be better to
leave the baby outside the house? Or better still, have it adopted out. b
Babies can be quite dangerous.. you wouldn't want your best friend to a
get bitten, now, would you? d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
t
Hello, I'd like to have a look at the Bowater shoes for $49 in the h
window. i
s
- Certainly sir. I'll just get them. What size?
w
Oh.. erm.. It should say on the bottom of my old shoes.. I'll just e
twist my foot around to get a look at them. hmm.. can't quite make it e
out, it seems to have rubbed off.. I'll take a guess at nine. k
,
- Here you are sir, size nine. Please, try them on. My God,
what are they? I
My socks. At least, that's what they smell like. c
a
- Yeuch, how absolutely revolting. You'll just have to sign n
this shoe-damage liability form. If any irremovable stains or '
smells get left in our shoes, we have the right to sue you. So t
there. Thank you.
t
Thanks. Hmm, I'll just go for a walk in them. h
i
- So, trying to steal our shoes, are you? We'll see about that! n
k
No no, I just want to see how they fit.
o
- Huh, sure! I'm ringing the pigs! f
No no, please! Look, they seem to almost fit. I mean, I can feel my big a
toes being crushed to a pulp, and my heels are about to burst out the n
back, and I'm not sure the circulation is getting all the way around, y
you'd better call an ambulance before my feet fall off. Not bad, in t
all. I'll buy them. h
i
- Okay. That'll be $98 please. n
g
$98? They're in the window for $49!
t
- That's $49 per shoe. o
$49 per shoe?!? w
r
- Yes. We do have a third off all prices today, but as you i
appear to be a horrible mutant monster with green stalks for t
eyes (eighty of them), several dozen tentacles, with pus e
spurting out of the top of your head (who wrote this stuff, I
feel ill), and three legs, it will be $98. d
o
Oh. Here you are then, $98. w
n
- Thank you sir. Now get out and never grace this shop with
your aroma again. t
h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
>From the man they called "Oi, you dickhead!" - you have been
reading yet another mouth-sized splodge of a production from s
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Back-issues are available; i
reply to this thing 'ere, or e-mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for d
details. If you're superlatively unlucky. e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
Is tennis the work of the devil?
Take a look, for instance, at the scores---> S. Edberg 6 6 6
B. Gilbert 2 2 2
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Toxic Custard Workshop Files
Melbourne, Australia-------------| tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au |--------------------------------
edb134t@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | All the world's a custard..
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