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50 ways to confuse your roommate
X-NEWS: camins rec.humor: 1309
Xref: spang.Camosun.BC.CA rec.humor:1309 rec.humor.d:208
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
Path: spang.Camosun.BC.CA!news.UVic.CA!ubc-cs!uw-beaver!news.u.washington.edu!milton.u.washington.edloetzak
From: kloetzak@milton.u.washington.edu (Albert Speer)
Subject: THINGS TO DO
Message-ID: <1992Apr23.015828.678@u.washington.edu>
Sender: news@u.washington.edu (USENET News System)
Organization: University of Washington, Seattle
References: <29EF4FA2.3982@ics.uci.edu> <10192@s3.ireq.hydro.qc.ca> <1992Apr22.235949.14297@rs6000.cilstu.edu>
Date: Thu, 23 Apr 1992 01:58:28 GMT
Here is a list of things my friend sent me
>50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
>
>
>
>1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
>
>2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
>
>3. Twitch a lot.
>
>4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
>
>5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
> them.
>
>6. Become a subgenius.
>
>7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
>
>8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out
> of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
>
>9. Speak in tongues.
>
>10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
> Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
owns to the ceiling.
>
>11. Walk and talk backwards.
>
>12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
> middle of your room. Number them.
>
>13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
> your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
more than meets the eye."
>
>14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
> Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
>
>15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
> kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
>
>16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
>
>17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
>
>18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
> when you are.
>
>19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
> weeks."
>
>20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
> masturbate while reading them.
>
>21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
> pretend nothing happened.
>
>22. Eat glass.
>
>23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
>
>24. Smile. All the time.
>
>25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
> think the dog ate.
>
>26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
>
>27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
> When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat
it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
that s/he reimburse you.
>
>28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
> grievances.
>
>29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
>
>30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
> then look away quickly.
>
>31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
>
>32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
>
>33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
>
>34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
> him/her of stealing it.
>
>35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
>
>36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
>
>37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
> three weeks.
>
>38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse
> to discuss them.
>
>39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
>
>40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
> "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
>
>41. Shave one eyebrow.
>
>42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
> pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching
violently.
>
>43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
>
>44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
> loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
>
>45. Always flush the toilet three times.
>
>46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
>
>47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
> least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
> assignment for your primitive cultures class.
>
>48. Give him/her an allowance.
>
>49. Listen to radio static.
>
>50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
> as soon as you wake up.
>
>
*******************************************************************************
M.A.S. "If your throat hurts you probably snort mice!"
kloetzak@milton.u.washington.edu -Who knows
*******************************************************************************
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