A Secular Humanist TV Schedule

by Geoff Gilpin

Now that the courts have declared that Secular Humanism is a religion, can a Secular Humanist cable TV network be far behind? Here's a page from the TV Guide listings for the Agnostic Broadcasting Company:

8:30 AM THE MORNING TRUTH: News - Politically correct reporters offer biased interpretations of the day's events.

9:00 AM SOLIDARITY STREET: Children - Susan teaches the girls to hate males. Ralph and Eduardo discover how multiplication can help them boycott non-union products.

10:00 AM SKEPTI-CISE: Aerobics - Take off pounds with leading Free Thinkers.

10:30 AM A WORLD OF NOTHING: Soap Opera - Julie and Steve argue. Biff confronts Walt. Maggie turns to drugs. Dick discovers he is pregnant.

11:00 AM WHEEL OF EVOLUTION: Game

11:30 AM THE 666 CLUB: Religion - Host Aleister Crowley is joined by guests Madeline Murray O'Hair, Ozzy Osborne, and Adam Weishaupt in a special taped segment. Topics include banning the Bible and overthrowing traditional family values.

12:30 PM THE SECULAR MOUSE SHOW: Cartoon - Secular Mouse battles Dogma Dog on the Planet of the Jesuits.

1:00 PM PHIL DONAHUE: Talk - Phil's guests are members of the Boston Chapter of Americans United Against the Fifth Commandment, who discuss the rewards of parent hatred.

2:00 PM AFTERNOON MOVIE: Movie - Scheduled: Debbie Does Dallas.

4:00 PM MARIJUANA HORTICULTURE: Home Improvement - Gardening tips for budget-minded hemp users. Chef Ramone makes hashish brownies.

4:30 PM PLEDGE BREAK: Money -

6:00 PM THE ABC EVENING NEWS: News - At press time, reporter Sam Donaldson was scheduled to insult an authority figure.

6:30 PM M*A*S*H: Pacifist Comedy - When a war-loving General visits the 4077th, Hawkeye and the gang use practical jokes to make him doubt his manhood.

7:00 PM PORNOGRAPHY: Sex - Bodily orifices are explored.

8:00 PM OUR SOVIET HERITAGE: Documentary - Join host Jane Fonda in her musical tribute to Leon Trotsky. Guests: The Bolshoi Ballet, the Surplus Value Chorus.

10:00 PM THE NEUTRAL GENDER SHOW: Comedy - Anti-family comedians do hilarious spoofs of Bill Cosby and Michael Landon.

Midnite SERMONETTE: Superstition - Un-Denominational Prayer and Benediction.