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Assorted religious humour
X-NEWS: camins rec.humor: 1896
Path: spang.Camosun.BC.CA!news.UVic.CA!ubc-cs!uw-beaver!zephyr.ens.tek.com!uunet!sybus.sybus.com!myrn!tscs!tbag!rmoore
From: rmoore@tbag.UUCP (Robert Moore)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Religious Humor
Message-ID: <rmoore.01vq@tbag.UUCP>
Date: 29 Apr 92 06:08:37 GMT
Organization: Tampa Bay Amiga Group
Lines: 247
CATHOLIC CORNER: QUESTIONS FOR QUIET TIME
Is it a sin to......
1. Play hide and seek in church?
2. Pretend your luminescent cross is an airplane while waiting in the
confessional? Is it a worse sin if you pretend it's a MiG?
3. Pretend the confessional is a phone booth linked to heaven?
4. Wonder how saints can walk with magnetic dashboard pedestals on their
feet?
5. Feed the saint's bone chip in your scapular to a starving dog?
6. Wonder whether Mother Superiors give birth to nuns?
7. Spread palm fronds on the gym floor before a CYO donkey basketball game?
8. Consider Purgatory a microwave hell?
9. Go up to an usher at Mass and say, "Table for two, please?
10. Pretend the cross is a crossbow with Christ as the arrow in a backyard
game of Robin Hood and His Merry Men?
11. Light votive candles in such a way that they spell out the name of your
pet dog?
12. Launch the pope into space without first launching a few test cardinals?
13. Go around with a joke-shop "third eye" stuck to your head on Ash
Wednesday?
14. Tell your younger sister that the priest will put a stick of onion gum in
her mouth on First Holy Communion Day, that the cardinal will hit her in the
face with a pie on Confirmation Day, and that she was baptized with seltzer
water because the priest thought she was a joke?
15. Think that Triscuits are the embodiment of the Holy Trinity?
16. Have a joy buzzer in your hand when the priest asks everyone to join hands
at a folk mass?
17. Wonder if Siamese twins have Siamese souls?
18. Wonder if the road to heaven is paved with BAD intentions?
19. Make a joke about converted rice being picked by Oriental Catholics?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HOW NAKED ARE GIRLS ALLOWED TO GET?
According to what Religion their Parents are
TRAILER-CAMP PROTESTANT: A nice girl is never completely naked except in the
bathtub, and even then she should wear a shower cap.
PICKET-FENCE PROTESTANT: Naked? Why would anyone be naked? Doesn't she have
clothes? Aren't there charities for this sort of thing?
CATHOLIC: She can get as naked as she wants, especially on a French beach, but
she's not allowed to do anything about it or think anything about it, and
neither is anyone else.
ORTHODOX JEWISH: She can get naked too, but nobody wants to see her naked, so
she keeps her clothes on.
REFORM JEWISH: She can get as naked as her cellulite allows.
HINDU: She can get naked in paintings or with her husband but not in front of
a cow. Also, she's not allowed to wash her caste mark off and redo it with
Cover Girl "Really Red" or "Sun-ripe Peach".
MOSLEM: There are no Moslem girls. Just men who dress up and wear veils.
RUSSIAN ORTHODOX: Who cares?
BUDDHIST: A good Buddhist will tell you that all girls are naked under their
clothes.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THE SIN AND ITS CONSEQUENCES
in the major Western Faiths
THE SIN: Interfaith Marriage
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: Mother screams, father moans, relatives sit Shiva in the dining room
EPISCOPALIAN: Fine as long as she can play tennis and doesn't mind staying
home during the annual Hunt Club ball.
BAPTIST: Hell. Stuck there with all the Jews and Catholics forever, without
any pickup trucks to help get you out.
CATHOLIC: Impossible. There is no other faith
==============================================================================
THE SIN: Masturbation
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: Obsessive search for warts. Nervous breakdown. Death if done while
reading Philip Roth.
EPISCOPALIAN: Sex with the only social equal in town.
BAPTIST: Turns you idiot-minded if you fool with it a lot.
CATHOLIC: A mortal sin. An unacceptable form of birth control. Ten "Hail
Mary''s, two "Our Father''s, and acne.
==============================================================================
THE SIN: Bestiality
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: "There aren't enough Negroes in town? You have to find a chicken?"
EPISCOPALIAN: Worse than asking for catsup at La Cote Basque; a mortal sin. Go
to hell. I mean, really. So untidy.
BAPTIST: Boys will be boys. Not half so bad as pantsing the minister's son,
tying him to a fence post, and turning a suckling calf loose on him.
CATHOLIC: Acceptable if animal is Catholic and issue of such union is raised a
Catholic.
==============================================================================
THE SIN: Premarital Sex
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: Death if performed with a Jewish girl, unless you marry her right
away. Giggle and smirk if girl is Catholic.
EPISCOPALIAN: No sin. The sanest and most rational way for Kip and Melissa to
get to know one another. One should always consult one's investment bankers
before rushing into things.
BAPTIST: If you're going to fuck her, you can't marry her. If you're going to
marry her, you can't fuck her. Plain and simple.
CATHOLIC: Eternal damnation if you even THINK about it. Worse if you do it.
Even worse if you do it with another person.
==============================================================================
THE SIN: Drunkenness
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: Jews do not get drunk. It interferes with suffering.
EPISCOPALIAN: Distasteful but necessary in a high-powered world such as ours.
Dewar's on the rocks is most acceptable.
BAPTIST: Get you into hell quicker than card playing or mixed dancing. The
next worse thing to being sober.
CATHOLIC: No sin. Compulsory in Ireland. Optional in civilized world.
==============================================================================
THE SIN: Homosexuality
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: Death while listening to Bette Midler.
EPISCOPALIAN: A viable alternative and truly understood by parents who wish to
know more about life-style. Mother then accidentally suffers a Valium
overdose.
BAPTIST: Bad even if he's white. Death behind the Tastee-Freeze.
CATHOLIC: Eternal damnation and/or entrance into Jesuit order.
==============================================================================
THE SIN: Interracial Marriage
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: Better to fuck a chicken; at least it won't tell the neighbors. Death,
death, death, then more death.
EPISCOPALIAN: You can marry into money, but you can't marry out of it.
BAPTIST: The sin of sins. Tied to the back of a Chevy and dragged through
town.
CATHOLIC: Size and color of lips is unimportant, as long as they can move in
order to say, "Hail, Mary".
==============================================================================
THE SIN: Disobeying Parents
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: Leukemia, maybe tuberculosis, for defying the people who struggled to
make you what you are today. Unhappiness forever.
EPISCOPALIAN: A healthy and good thing to do, unless they control the trust
fund.
BAPTIST: Belt buckle implanted in cheek, nose, ears, and mouth. Make you think
twice next time, Bo.
CATHOLIC: You get spanked by the Mother of God and sent to bed without a Last
Supper.
==============================================================================
THE SIN: Divorce
CONSEQUENCES:
JEWISH: Good thing if the girl is Christian and/or a slob. Welcome back.
EPISCOPALIAN: No sin. Healthy growth experience. Good thing to write a book
about.
BAPTIST: Not a real sin if she's the cheating kind. Good topic for a
country-western song.
CATHOLIC: Barred from heaven. Eternal purgatory because she burned the toast.
==============================================================================
Thank you. And by the way, remember our root-word definition:
FUNDAMENTALIST: FUND = Send money + AMENTALIST = Don't think.
rmoore@tbag.tscs.com
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