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Vogon Poetry - The Worst in The Universe Vogon Poetry is by far the worst in the universe. This forum includes all forms of literary creative expression. Please post ONLY your own work and try not to flame other users. Bad vogonesque poetry, is of course, still welcome here.

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 #1 
Old 2009-01-07, 08:55
Moderator
 
San Jose California
Default Happy New Year

Raise your glasses brimmed
with the good wine from yesteryear
dark burnt-orange,
that tastes like fire.

It's burning the house down;
plaster spit spats, and the
paint melts and dribbles down the walls
like bile down a bulimic's chin,
puddling on the floor, a rainbow
of designer oil slick.

You retch and retch,
throats smoldering, engulfed
in flames; but relishing
its age and class, toasting
Skies the limit! Never
look back! We'll remodel
again, this year.
 #2 
Old 2009-01-07, 09:09
Moderator
 
San Jose California
Default Re: Happy New Year

The first stanza needs some work. I'd love suggestions about the whole piece, but especially the first stanza... I feel like the image is too direct.
 #3 
Old 2009-01-07, 12:42
Regular
 
Behind you. With a lead pipe.
Default Re: Happy New Year

I don't think being direct hurts this at all. I like the language used in the second stanza, it creates a myriad of striking, sharp images; it's very crisp, so maybe work on that some more. Perhaps try to find replacements for:

melts and dribbles

and:

puddling on the floor

in an attempt to play around more with that direction. Words like "cracked", "peeled", "flaked", "splintered" and so forth.

I enjoyed how it goes from that to the third stanzas development of slower drudgery, suffocating thick imagery conveyed by the choice of words again but I think it's too short. Maybe expand that to better contrast the stabbing nature of the second stanza? Highlight more the impression of indolence before rounding it off?

Overall it's a fine piece yet again, these are just some ideas to play around with. I find you're able to elucidate your imagery well despite your works succinctness.

Keep it up.
 
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