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| Vogon Poetry - The Worst in The Universe Vogon Poetry is by far the worst in the universe. This forum includes all forms of literary creative expression. Please post ONLY your own work and try not to flame other users. Bad vogonesque poetry, is of course, still welcome here. |
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#1
 2008-11-14, 00:22 |
ªÞe× 
Regular
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 caitlin
Broken and restless I find myself
Thumbs fumbling old photos of you
As I sit, lean forward and hunch
Over a feeble rhythm of visions
And a dreary roll flows on
Slipping from the vast grey skies
Unto morbid peaks of barren rock
My love comes a winding confluent
Of the yearning valley's narrow brooks
Percolating through your course
You dissipate to nothingness
A dormant bed succumbed to moss
One wretched and inarable plot.
gaaaarrrrr..... I can't finish it. Its like copulating with a bucket of ashes.
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#2
2008-11-15, 17:32 |
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Re: caitlin
Quote:
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Originally Posted by ªÞe×
Broken and restless I find myself
Thumbs fumbling old photos of you
As I sit, lean forward and hunch
Over a feeble rhythm of visions
And a dreary roll flows on
Slipping from the vast grey skies
Unto morbid peaks of barren rock
My love comes a winding confluent
Of the yearning valley's narrow brooks
Percolating through your course
You dissipate to nothingness
A dormant bed succumbed to moss
One wretched and inarable plot.
gaaaarrrrr..... I can't finish it. Its like copulating with a bucket of ashes.
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if u give it a " woe is me cuz i lost you" kind of ending, ill be disapointed. i cant think of a way to end it. maybe happy and hopeful, but i dont know if that could work. maybe an ending where the flowing body of water ( u never called it anything in particular, which i enjoyeed) dries up, or comes to an end, or sumthing. give it an ending with closure, if that makes any sense |
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#3
2008-11-17, 15:35 |
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Moderator
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Fairfax, Virginia, America
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Re: caitlin
I don't think a piece of this brevity can really pull off a reversal of tone a positive ending would require unless you plan on greatly expanding it. I think it's done now, though. Leaving your life being described as an inarable plot is one hell of a strong image. I see no reason to go past it.
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#4
2008-11-18, 14:37 |
ªÞe×
Regular
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Re: caitlin
aye, I think you be right Gorloche. At the beginning it was planned to be a more positive piece about someone else but soon turned out a bit differently. Happy and hopeful can wait for something else :)
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#5
2008-11-18, 21:49 |
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Re: caitlin
gaaaarrrrr..... I can't finish it. Its like copulating with a bucket of ashes.
Loose this bit ^ at the end and it will be perrrrrfect! 
In other words, I like it the way it is.  |
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#6
2008-11-18, 23:23 |
The Happiest Little Nug
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Re: caitlin
B+ ish
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caitlin