Revelation surrounding us like the silvery wind flowing through a pastel forest;
The bloodletting of our poisoned consciousness leaving our blindness to drip onto the stones.
Piercing moonlight reveals the mirror-paved path to forever.
The brick wall of illusions was knocked down to the acidic sea;
Perfect truth is what we see when we gaze into its misty waters.
Redness is in our eyes as we all look up to the blazing heavens.
On this rock, everything we see is a grey cloud of meaninglessness;
In the sky of things hot to the eyes but cool to the touch, one is love and all are one

I think this would work better as a short story, as you could add some more subtle symbolism. A good character, who is experiencing all these things, could add a lot of substance. Of course, the exactly psychological profile of such character would be somewhat demeaning, so you would have to make the interpretation of his nature ambiguous. Like a "choose your thought pattern and read about it" book.

Not too into the ending.

Try being slightly more subtle, if you want TEH ELEET GLORIEZ. The rest does get the point across but begins to get kind of fuzzy.

yah, once i looked back i noticed the ending was kind of too loud/obvious and corny. and what parts would you say are fuzzy? just wondering so i can improve

'Piercing moonlight reveals the mirror-paved path to forever.'

'Perfect truth is what we see when we gaze into its misty waters.'

gaze makes me think about being zonked... is that what you were going for?


Not any one thing but the overall feel I got after reading it the first time. Now that I look at it, it's slightly repetitive, as you talk about looking/seeing in the past 4 lines. Subtle stubble

i think i can change tht 1st line to sumthing tht makes more sense, and maybe the 2nd two , and no, i wasnt thinking about getting zonked lol and ya, i can prolly find other words for " see" and "look" if i try hard. but not right now

Lol, sorry I was being kind of shrewd :/

I meant 'zonked' like in a trip state... looking for patterns, identifying, etc. That's mostly what was going through my head but I do associate that type of thing to trippyness.

i thought you were talking about boozing, but w/e. i was kind of going for something like that. like, you know, seeing insightful things. that could be accomplished through getting tripped out, i suppose. i wouldnt know :/

Did i make it better or worse?

Revelation surrounding us like the silvery wind flowing through a pastel forest;
The bloodletting of our poisoned consciousness leaving our blindness to drip onto the stones.
Piercing moonlight reveals the reflective path to within.
The brick wall of illusions was knocked down to the acidic sea;
Perfect truth is what we witness when we gaze into its misty waters.
Redness is in our eyes as we all look up to the blazing heavens.
On this rock, everything we perceive is a grey cloud of meaninglessness,
Until the day our minds sprout crystal wings and soar above the illusions.