I know you guys love the psychic readings Arms gives, but he is rarely around and he types so slowly that not everyone who wants a reading can get one. So I am humbly accepting requests for readings in a similar manner.

No money? Trouble with relationships? Thinking of joining the army? Fed up of utter hacks? I can help you reach a solution for all of these issues simply by making shit up. There will be no "Oracle". I will not be asking the universe anything. I will however be using verbiose language to placate, patronise and confuse you, while inserting the odd point of value through the use of my anthropological and psychological education.

I have experience in judging people and pulling shit out of my ass for over two (2) decades. I guarantee my readings will be 100% accurate and I will even guarantee them as 100% helpful as long as you carry out any advice given verbatrim.

Who wants to go first?

I was thinking I should stop smoking weed for a little while and focus more on the opening of my spiritual eye, so to speak.
Should I stop smoking all together, or just go a few days with and a few days without, or maybe I should stop for a week and then get really high?
What is the placate, patronizing, and confusing answer that you will pull out of your ass and place before me?

I was wondering if I should drink menstrual blood to gain immortality.

You don't smoke weed.

I suggest a 568ml/20fl oz pint glass if you wish to stop wondering.

How to get rich?

Why are the significance of death?

How to get rich?

You are already rich. Your chances are slowly being eaten by anxiety though...


Was that good?